Malarkies and Mayhem
by eMu3
Summary: Schwarz, Weiss, Chibi Torture, brilliant disguises, Sims, gay ensembles, bleachy goodness, garish bows, a hamsterful intermission, pink scrunchies and a gay prom.
1. It Begins

Title: An unhealthy addiction  
  
Author: eMu  
  
Summary: Omi and Nagi are gifted with copies of the Sims as Christmas presents.   
  
"Oh gee…thanks Ken. That was, uh… that's a great gift. Yup." Omi stuttered. 'What a piece of garbage. If he expects me to use this memory eating piece of-'  
  
"Glad you like it." Ken said with a proud smile, making Omi feel both awkward and guilty.  
  
They were exchanging Christmas presents. Predictably, the other members of Weiss had gotten Omi computer paraphernalia. Whereas Aya and Yohji had done a decent job of blindly selecting something for him, Ken had fucked up. The largest, shiniest display had yielded the Sims.  
  
Being the nice kid he was, Omi decided on the nicest, if not most annoying, thing to do. Install the game, get the gist of it, talk about it pretending to like it, then get rid of it stealthily.

LATER

'Plus points for being easy to install. Wonder how much memory that took.' Omi wondered. He was now ready to build his first Sim. The options were pretty extensive, so he decided to make a little Weiss Sim house. They almost perfectly matched the real Weiss too (the only real complaint was that they were all the same height, but Omi didn't mind too much. Dammit, the Sim Weiss were not going to be able to tease him about needing a step-stool to reach the plates in the cabinet!)  
  
He set up a little house, moved them in and was starting to have fun. It gave him a sort of godly trip being able to manipulate the others, but he quickly got bored. Added to that it was rather difficult keeping the bars for four Sims in the green. After Aya passed out, Ken wet himself, Yohji attracted flies and Omi set the kitchen on fire, he turned the thing off. Out of habit he clicked 'save game'.

SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" Yohji asked, more curiosity than scorn in his voice. Ken was sitting the middle of what appeared to be the contents of the kitchen barrel.  
  
"I was looking for a magazine I thought got thrown out. But look what I found." He held up the Sims, looking puzzled.  
  
"Could be worse Ken-Ken. Could've been in the original plastic wrapping." Yohji said sympathetically.  
  
"Well, that would have been less weird. Instead it was in a shoe box taped shut with masking tape, stuck inside three shopping bags and wrapped in a duct tape cocoon stuck in the bottom of the barrel." Ken explained. "Omi must have lost it."  
  
"Come again?"  
  
Ken shrugged. "Whenever I leave things lying around they end up in the barrel. I bet he had it in the shoe box and all that for safe keeping. I mean, he loves the game. You heard how he talked about it."  
  
"Yeah, but…"  
  
"But?"  
  
'Omi's the nicest kid in the world. He's trying to spare your feelings for picking a shitty gift. Dumbass.' Was all Yohji could think. However, Ken looked so sweetly confused he couldn't bring himself to say it. "I…I dunno."  
  
"I'll go give it back to Omi. Then I can ask him about it." Ken decided.  
  
"Wait, Ken!"   
  
Ken took off for Omi's room. Yohji made to follow him, realizing that Ken was making a very awkward situation for the chibi, when Aya stepped into the kitchen and noticed the trash. He fixed a glare on Yohji, by now the only person left in the kitchen and thus the perpetrator.   
  
"Clean this up." Aya all but growled.  
  
'Eep.' Yohji's brain went into panic mode. Aya didn't seem to be having a very good day, and the grip he had on his sword was unnerving. Looked like the trash on the floor was going to be his excuse to wail on someone (little did Yohji know the reason Aya was upset was because someone had keyed his precious porche, and he was going to have to divert some money from his sister's hospital bills to have his precious, precious car fixed. Aya didn't really like looking like a bastard when it came to Aya-chan's medical bills but dammit, no one messed with his car).  
  
"But Aya…I mean I didn't…Ken…Omi-" Yohji stuttered.  
  
"Shi-ne!"

MEANWHILE  
  
"Ken? What's going on downstairs?" Omi asked, concern thick in his voice. Ken had just entered his room, and the sounds coming in through the open door were unnerving. He could hear a lot of banging and thudding, and the occasional yelp of pain and whimpering.  
  
"Hm? Oh, Yohji was in the kitchen talking to Aya when I left." Ken explained.  
  
"Talking?" Omi asked anxiously.  
  
"AAAAAHH!! ARMS DON'T BEND THAT WAY!!!" Yohji's wail of pain drifted into the room. Ken kicked the door shut, muffling the sounds.  
  
"I found this in the trash." Ken explained, handing the Sims to Omi. "Did you lose it? Because that's what I thought, but Yohji didn't seem to think so."  
  
"Oh…yeah. I must have lost it. In the trash." Omi stated flatly. He half wanted Ken to get it, just so he could be done with the abysmal game, but judging by the vacant smile plastered on Ken's face that wasn't going to happen. Omi reluctantly shelved the game.  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
Schuldig scowled as he pushed his way through the sweaty mass of people packed into the mall. He was beginning to resent his mode of Christmas shopping. On the one hand it was more practical, buying Christmas presents after Christmas afforded him the opportunity to receive presents and then rank them. Example, Crawford had gotten him a tube of cheap hair gel and a snide remark about gravity defying clown hair. He would get some sort of expired meat. Farfarello had gotten him the break lines to Aya's porche and Yohji's seven (and possibly keyed the porche, as he couldn't really see anyone else carving 'fuck your God' into the doors of Aya's beloved car). He would have to do something nice for Farf this year. Practical point number two, after Christmas sales meant really cheap present buying.  
  
He moved his way over to the electronics store, which was having some huge blowout. He randomly selected a cheap box of some sort (he wasn't really sure if it contained a game, some kind of program or whatever the hell people put in their computers) and considered his shopping for Nagi done.   
  
The mall had grown entirely too annoying. He made his way over to the supermarket and snuck to the dumpsters out back.

LATER

"What would possess you to get me a bible?" Farfarello asked, dangerously offended from the look of it. Schu had a very proud smirk on his face.  
  
"That's only a small piece of the present." He motioned to a sack. "This is every bible and hymnal from St. Mary's. And…" He held up a can of gasoline and a pack of matches. A psychotic gleam appeared in Farfarello's eye. "Merry Christmas."  
  
Crawford eyed the frozen lamb warily. He liked lamb. Why would Schu give him something he liked? There had to be something wrong with it. An edible gift meant poison. Still…he didn't see death in the near future. And it didn't smell rank (well, it was frozen, it didn't smell like anything). Still…more thought needed to go into this.  
  
"Schuldig. You lazy piece of shit. Were you even trying? You could have read my mind and gotten a decent gift." Nagi looked very offended.  
  
"What? What did I get you anyway?" Schu asked curiously. Maybe he'd picked up a Barbie game by accident or something.  
  
"The Sims? Do you know what a memory eating piece of shit this is? Not to mention you got an expansion pack. I can't actually use the thing unless I throw down some of my money for the deluxe edition."  
  
"Who needs deluxe?" Schu asked defensively.  
  
"That's the only edition they sell." Nagi snapped.  
  
"Fine. How much?" Schuldig asked, reaching into his wallet. Not like it really mattered anyway. After he'd nicked the bibles he'd reached into the collection plate anyway. It was God's money. He'd have to mention that to Farf later (and out of Nagi's ear shot). Now the Sims would hurt God too.

SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
Now that Nagi had made Schuldig go back into the packed post-Christmas mall and gotten him the installable version of the Sims, coupled with the hot date expansion pack, he thought it only fair that he install it. He still had little interest in the game, and if it took up as much memory as he'd been warned it would in chat rooms, it was going straight to the recycle bins.  
  
He idly flipped through the Sim heads in the create a Sim screen and decided to make Schwarz, just for the hell of it. It didn't look quite right, making himself as an adult, the same size as the others, but then, there was no way in hell Schwarz Sims were going to tease him for being too short to reach anything (thank Christ he'd mastered his gift and didn't need to use that damned step-stool in front of them). Plus, since he would be acting as God why not make him as tall as he damn well wanted to be? He briefly considered making the rest of them children just for kicks, but he couldn't get a kid to look quite as messed up as Farf.  
  
He moved in the Sim family and started adding things to the house. He played around with their interactions, and succeeded in immediately getting the Schu-Sim and the Crawford-Sim into a fight. Then he noticed that despite the fact they were insulting, teasing and slapping each other, they seemed to like it. It must have had something to do with the fact that he didn't give them any nice points, choosing to make them both bastards.   
  
He scrolled down the list of things to buy and came across a vibrating heart shaped bed. It must have come with the hot date expansion pack. He clicked on it and moved it into the house. Thanks to a chat room he'd been in, he'd picked up a cheat code that gave him infinite money.   
  
He then ignored most of the Sims, trying to make the Nagi-Sim superior to all the rest of them in every way possible. He was actually having fun, but he would never admit that.  
  
Then he scrolled over to see what the other Schwarz Sims were doing. Farfarello-Sim had set fire to the kitchen somehow, but the firemen had shown up so that was okay.  
  
And the Crawford and Schuldig Sims were upstairs in the bedroom together. And they were getting into the heart shaped vibrating bed. And a censorship box had come up-good christ!  
  
Now traumatized for life, Nagi quickly switched off the game, and curled into a fetal position in the corner.

LITTLE LATER  
  
"So how was the game?" Crawford asked conversationally. He didn't really care that much, but it gave him something to think about other than the possibly poisoned lamb in the freezer.  
  
Nagi stared at his feet. Actually, he hadn't made eye contact with either Crawford or Schuldig since he'd emerged from his room.   
  
"It had damn well better be worth it. I spent way more money on you then I intended." Schu complained. 'Especially since I stole the other two presents…' He didn't say that aloud though. He really, really wanted Crawford to eat that lamb. Some tampering with his sense of smell would be needed. It didn't smell too bad while it was frozen, but if he tried to cook the thing…  
  
"It was…it was…Oh God!" Nagi ran into the bathroom and started throwing up.  
  
Crawford quirked an eyebrow. "I take it he doesn't like it."  
  
"Who knows? Maybe that's a sign of enjoyment to teens now." Schu said dismissively. "I heard some maniacal laughter coming from his room earlier, so he was enjoying it at some point."  
  
"Maniacal laughter? What was he doing with it?" Crawford asked, now curious.   
  
Crawford and Schuldig walked over to his room, where Farfarello was sitting at the computer. "Sims hurt God." He muttered.  
  
Nagi walked into his room. He seemed ready to yell at them all to get out, when he saw Crawford and Schuldig standing next to each other, and the Sims on his computer screen. He put a hand over his mouth and raced to the bathroom again.  
  
Puzzled by his behavior, but not caring enough to find out what was wrong, Crawford and Schu leaned over Farf's shoulder, and immediately got sucked into the addicting world that is the Sims.  
  
"Is that supposed to be me?" Schuldig asked, staring at the Sim version of him. "Send it over to the wardrobe Farf. I would never wear that."  
  
"I don't know. The jacket's green and hideous enough." Crawford pointed out.  
  
"Oh fuck you." Schu snapped.  
  
"Don't need to. Sims are taking care of it." Farfarello said, amusement in his voice. Crawford and Schu paused in their glaring to look at the computer screen.  
  
"The Sims can have sex?" Schuldig asked. "Wow."  
  
"Gay sex even." Crawford added, just as stunned. Then he came to himself. "Wait mini-Brad! Not with him! You can do better!"  
  
"With who? Farf? There are no other Sims in that neighborhood. Except that tall good looking one with the dark brown hair. Is that supposed to be Nagi?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"Crawford-Sim wants to have a baby with you Schuldig." Farf reported. "Sodomites hurt God." He clicked on yes.  
  
"Wait! Oh, I don't want to have a baby with _him_." Crawford groaned.  
  
"Sodomites hurt God." Farfarello repeated.  
  
"And Sims hurt God. Therefore, sodomizing Sims must really hurt God." Schuldig decided. Another evil gleam flashed in Farf's eye.

MEANWHILE  
  
"Omi's swamped with fan girls in the shop. Can you get a file off of his laptop for me?" Aya asked Ken, tossing him a disk.   
  
"Sure. What one?"  
  
"It should be saved under my name." Aya answered. The flower shop was unusually crowded that day, and whereas Aya and Ken knew that it would be the decent thing to go help Omi and Yohji deal with the mob, it was also their day off. They were both coming up with excuses not to go anywhere near the place lest Omi's puppy dog eyes trick them into doing the right thing.  
  
Ken sat down at Omi's laptop and quickly saved Aya's file onto disk. He was about to leave when he noticed the Sims icon. Curiosity getting the better of him, he opened the game and took a look at it. There was only one saved game. He opened it and then noticed the little Weiss house.  
  
'Wow, this is pretty nifty.' He took a minute to master the controls, and while he was doing this the Sims interacted. Yohji-sim was ordering a pizza (judging by the piles of ash in the kitchen and the lack of a stove there had been a fire), Aya-sim was cleaning up a puddle of something that the Ken-Sim had spilled. Omi-Sim was taking a bath and Ken-Sim was complaining about being stinky.  
  
Ken went to the buy screen and built another bathroom out of the second bedroom. He moved two beds into the bigger bedroom, figuring they really needed two bathrooms more than two bedrooms with four Sims. Come to think of it, two bathrooms would have been nice for real life as well. He then ordered Ken-Sim to bathe, as he was still just complaining about being stinky and not really doing anything about it.  
  
The other Sims were pretty smart though. Aya-Sim appeared to be a little neat-freak. After cleaning up the puddle, he cleaned up the ash in the kitchen and made all the beds. He then did the dishes from the pizza, which the Yohji-Sim just left there, and then cleaned both the bathrooms. Then he passed out.  
  
"Are you done with that disk yet?" The real Aya asked, walking into the room. Ken jumped. He'd gotten so absorbed into the game he hadn't even noticed Aya entering.  
  
"Oh yeah." Ken handed off the disk, then turned back to the computer screen.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Oh, that game I got for Omi. I'm just seeing what it's like. He built a Sim-Weiss house. Look, that's you." Ken said, pointing to the little Aya.  
  
"Why am I passed out in a bathroom?" Aya asked.  
  
"Because you're a neat freak. You used up all your energy cleaning up after the rest of us."  
  
"Is that you wetting yourself on the lawn?" Aya pointing to the corner of the screen.  
  
"No mini-Ken! I don't know why he's so dumb. Everyone else is taking care of themselves okay." Ken directed his Sim to bathe again.

LATER THAT SAME DAY

"That was the most miserable shift of my life." Yohji snarled, collapsing into a kitchen chair. Omi staggered in, and dropped into one next to him. "Where the hell are Aya and Ken, and why the hell is there no supper?"  
  
"Maybe something came up." Omi said, not sounding quite as chipper as he usually managed. Without Aya's death glare, the fan girls had been more persistent than usual. Turns out his, buy something or get out, actually did have an effect, however small. They just didn't find Omi or Yohji intimidating in the least. It's like they multiplied too. Every time you thought there was no way more preteen girls could fit in the store, they'd find a way. Even on his day off, if the store got that swamped, Omi would help out because it was the nice thing to do. Usually Aya extended that courtesy as well.  
  
"I'm ordering a pizza." Yohji announced, making no move from the chair.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"In a minute." Yohji dropped his head onto the table and closed his eyes.   
  
Omi walked upstairs, now curious as to why no one had come to help them. He looked into Aya and Ken's rooms. He called downstairs to Yohji. "Are they down there? No one's up here!"  
  
"What? No, no one's down here!" Yohji called back. He stumbled up the stairs. "Well this is weird. Maybe someone made a sneak attack while we were in the shop."  
  
"Yeah. Hey wait, I hear voices."  
  
They walked over to Omi's room and stared, stunned. Aya and Ken were battling over the mouse, putting Omi's computer in real danger as it balanced on the edge of the desk. Omi dove forward and caught it just as it fell, and Yohji did his best to make sure Aya and Ken didn't kill each other, taking a few punches and elbows to the stomach in the process.  
  
"What are you doing in my room? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY COMPUTER?!" Omi shrieked, hugging the laptop close to him.  
  
Guiltily, Ken relinquished the mouse. Aya reluctantly stopped biting Ken's arm and Yohji crawled out from between them, broken sunglasses dangling off his face.  
  
"We were playing the Sims." Ken explained.  
  
"Ken was playing the Sims." Aya argued. "I wanted a turn and he wouldn't let me."  
  
"What?" Yohji asked in disbelief. "Lemme see that game."  
  
"No! You're not coming near this computer!" Omi yelled, backing into a corner. He'd by now shut down the laptop.  
  
"Oh c'mon. I gotta see it if it made Aya revert to the state of a five year old." Yohji begged. He then ducked and narrowly avoided a blow to the head, as Aya didn't seem too happy about being compared to a five year old.  
  
"Okay. You guys can play, but I'm going to be using the mouse." Omi said, in such an un-Omi like and menacing voice that they all agreed. Ken went in search of extra chairs.  
  
Omi set up the laptop, plugged the mouse back in and opened the Sims game. He then stared in wonder at all the changes Aya and Ken had made in one afternoon.  
  
"We went online and found a cheat code." Ken explained. "It gave us as much money as we wanted."  
  
"What's this little thing on the kitchen table?" Omi asked.  
  
"Oh, that's your Sims ashes." Ken said cheerily. Omi's face fell.  
  
"Omi-Sim died?"  
  
"No, we killed him." Aya corrected.  
  
"WHAT?!" Omi exclaimed.  
  
"He didn't look right. He was too tall. So we locked him in a death shack with fireplaces and we killed him. We're going to get a new Omi-Sim in there though." Ken added.   
  
"How?" Yohji asked curiously. Omi was gaping at them silently.  
  
Ken and Aya looked at each other nervously. Some sort of silent conversation was held, the result being Aya was appointed to explain. "We needed to couple off two of the remaining Sims, make them fall in love and have a baby. If the baby's a boy, we're going to name it Omi. In three Sim days it will turn into a child."  
"And then it will look more like Omi." Ken finished.  
  
Omi was now gaping, but a little less silent. "YOU KILLED ME SO YOU COULD REPLACE ME WITH A BABY?!?!"  
  
"Wait a minute chibi, that's not the important part." Yohji cut him off. "Who did you couple up?"  
"We decided to see which two had the best social interactions with the other." Aya explained. He pried the mouse out of Omi's hand (Omi had now gone rigid with anger) and brought up Yohji-Sim's stat screens.   
  
"See? Your sim is half the couple, because he gets along best with all of them, so we can turn it into a compatible love with minimal effort." Ken said proudly.  
  
"And who's the other half?" Yohji asked with amusement. He really didn't need to ask. Ken was smirking and Aya looked like he'd drank sour milk.  
  
"Don't get any ideas from this Kudoh. It's just a game." Aya growled.  
  
"Sure honey." Yohji said sweetly, putting an arm around Aya's shoulders.  
  
"Take it off or I'll break it off."  
  
"Right-o. Just a game."

ELSEWHERE  
  
"Get out of my room!" Nagi shouted at the closed door (they'd gotten sick of his whining and the unusually thick door did a good job of muffling sound). Normally he would've been able to telekenetically open the door, and with all that anger he probably could have torn it from his hinges, but he suspected Schu was tinkering with his mind and blocking him from using his powers.   
  
"For the billionth time no! But you can come back inside if you know how to keep social services from taking away our baby." Crawford answered, opening the door a crack, poised to slam it closed.   
  
"No." Nagi answered bitterly.  
  
"Well then we've confiscated this room for Schwarz business." Crawford answered, shutting the door again.  
  
"You've confiscated it to play a computer game you assholes!!" Nagi screamed. "I want my stuff back!"  
  
There was some thudding, and about five minutes later four large trash bags were tossed out the door by Schuldig. "You can sleep on the couch until we're done with the official business."  
  
"I WANT MY COMPUTER YOU BASTARDS!!"  
  
"He's getting really annoying." Schu noted, resuming his post by the computer. "How's Baby doing?"  
  
"Not good. Computer says we're neglecting her." Farfarello reported. When they'd noticed you could name your own Sim babies, Crawford and Schuldig had gotten into a fight over what to name their daughter. Farfarello, getting bored, had typed in Baby when no one was looking, so that was Baby's name.  
  
"How can we be neglecting her? We're neglecting ourselves, look." Schu pulled up their stats. He and Crawford had been locked into a special 'baby room' they'd built, which had beds (not that they were receiving much use), a toilet, a sink, a shower, a fridge, a stove, a TV and the baby. They'd taken out the door, since within the first five minutes of crying Schuldig-Sim had tried to bolt. They'd also muted the computer since Baby never seemed to shut up and sleep. Both Crawford-Sim and Schu-Sim were very close to passing out in a stinking pile of flies and urine, if not dying.  
  
"Okay, make Schuldig feed baby while I make us supper so we don't starve." Crawford ordered. Farf was at the mouse again, and he sent the orders along.  
  
His Sim was the chief breadwinner, and currently working as a guinea pig (it was the science career track, and with Baby to take care of, they were too preoccupied to get Farfarello promoted). As Baby was not Farf's responsibility (though Schuldig begged to differ as it had been Farfarello who had clicked yes when it asked if they wanted to have a baby) he was allowed to do things like eat and sleep.  
  
The Nagi-Sim they mostly ignored as a reflection of their annoyance with the real Nagi whining about wanting his property back. He'd somehow gotten a job and advanced to a high paying position as some sort of military commando. Regardless, Farf was the chief breadwinner.  
  
"Crawford you set the kitchen on fire!" Schuldig yelled accusingly.  
  
"I didn't get any cooking skills, did I?" Crawford belatedly realized. "Well what are you doing, get them out of there!"  
  
"Can't." Farfarello answered. "No door. Can't go to buy mode when there's a fire."  
  
"Well, we have to do something or Baby's going to die!" Schu pointed out.  
  
"We'll die too. Wait, adults can extinguish fires. Extinguish the fires!" He yelled at Farfarello.  
  
"Can't. Passed out." Farf explained with amusement.  
  
"Give me that." Crawford wrenched the mouse out of Farf's hand and clicked on the two Sims to wake up. He then set them to extinguishing the fire surrounding Baby, but it kept spreading.  
  
"Forget Baby! We can always have another one. Save our asses Crawford!" Schuldig yelled.  
  
"I'm working on it." Crawford growled.  
  
Then Sim Social Services arrived on the scene.  
  
"What are they going to do? There's no door." Crawford muttered.  
  
Then they appeared inside the room, despite the lack of doors.  
  
"We're saved!" Schuldig exclaimed.  
  
Then the SSS grabbed Baby, explained that they were neglectful parents, and left again. They left behind no door, nor any solution to the fire.  
  
German and English curses were thick in the room for a few minutes.

AT THE KONEKO  
  
"I don't get it. Their bars are full green. They're at a perfect hundred, and the Sims still won't fall in love." Ken complained.  
  
"Maybe Sims can't be gay." Aya said hopefully.  
  
"Or maybe it's because every time we try to put in something that would take this past the level of friendship, Aya threatens to castrate me." Yohji pointed out. "All you've let the Sims do is talk and joke. We'll never get Omi back this way."  
  
"Fine. They're going to hug." Ken decided. He was controlling the mouse presently, so all Aya could do was stare menacingly at the back of his head.   
  
"That didn't do it." Ken said, now annoyed.   
  
"Well how do you tell when they're in love?" Yohji asked.  
  
"Red hearts appear and some lovey-music comes up." Ken explained.   
  
"Which Sims have you seen fall in love?" Aya asked curiously.  
  
"Er…uh…" Ken stuttered. The first afternoon Aya and Ken had been playing, while Aya had made a food run the Ken-Sim and Omi-Sim had fallen in love. Ken felt a little awkward about it, so he decided to change the subject. With a slip of the mouse, Yohji-Sim attempted to kiss Aya-Sim, but the Aya-Sim pushed him away.  
  
"What?" Yohji gaped at the computer screen, which now had his full interest. "We were at 100! He couldn't like me more and he pushed me away?!"  
  
There was a very smug smile on Aya's face. "Even the simulated me has more taste than that."  
  
"Wait…that's not right." Ken pulled up their stats. "Omi didn't give you any social points when he made the Sim. All of the other Sims like him more than he likes them. He's still only at 70 for Yohji."  
  
"So…Omi made me a reclusive shut-in?" Aya asked.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Well…we've worked too much on this courtship to throw it away now." Ken decided (in reality, he didn't want to be part of the gay couple that fathered Omi). "I'm gonna run down to the store and pick up one of the expansion packs. If we get the hot-date pack in there, we can get them together by the end of the night."  
  
"Great, it's my turn to man the controls." Yohji said, scooting into the desk chair. The desk chair was centered in front of the computer, with a kitchen chair to the right and a stool they'd found in the basement to the left. Whoever had the desk chair was in charge, and they were on a rotation by hours, but everyone still got some say in the decisions.  
  
"What other expansion packs are there?" Aya asked.  
  
"I dunno really. I just saw an ad for the hot-date one in the box." Ken answered.  
  
"I'll go with you and look around." Aya decided. Ken and Aya both turned to Yohji, who was attempting to look innocent.  
  
"If we get back and anything's been drastically changed-"  
  
"Don't worry about it." Yohji said dismissively, smiling at them. "What do you think I'd do, turn your Sims into my Sim's pleasure slaves or something?"  
  
There was a brief pause, and then Aya saved the game and ejected it from the computer. "We'll be back."  
  
Aya and Ken were stopped by Omi once they reached the first floor. "Are you done using my computer yet?" Omi asked eagerly.  
  
"No. We're going out to get some expansion packs." Ken explained.  
  
"But, but that'll eat up even more memory!" Omi objected.  
  
"It's okay. We thought of that." Ken answered. He handed Omi a bag he'd been carrying. "We saved all your files to disk then deleted them so we'd have more room. Here."  
Omi looked down at the sack full of disks containing countless programs, school work, files for Kritiker and just general information they used on missions. He froze in shock, and by the time he recovered and could muster the anger to yell at Ken and Aya, who really should know better than to be sucked into a computer game like this, they were gone. He could hear the porche taking off down the street.

SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"Well we almost died for them, but we have the expansion packs." Ken proclaimed, holding up hot-date, gone wild and house party.   
  
"Almost died for them?" Yohji asked.  
  
"Someone cut the brake lines on my car." Aya growled. Ken and Aya did look like they'd been through a miserable drive. There was a giant bruise on Ken's forehead, assumed to be from hitting the windshield during whatever impact had stopped the car, and there were still a few pieces of broken glass stuck in Aya's right arm (his mouse arm! Yohji thought gleefully).  
  
"What happened to the porche?" Omi asked curiously, edging his way into his bedroom.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it." Aya snapped, taking up position in the desk chair.  
  
"Hey, it's my turn in the desk chair." Yohji protested feebly. With the mood Aya was in, he normally wouldn't have protested at all, but such was the draw of the Sims. Still, he more than gladly retreated to the stool when Aya growled at him.  
  
A/N that's it so far. It's obviously a WIP and I'm not one hundred percent sure how it's going to be resolved. Although something along the lines of how the hell the two assassin groups are going to function on missions and the such without their little computer geniuses researching things could affect the ending… Please review!


	2. An Unhealthy Addiction

ELSEWHERE…  
  
"Don't you dare let them have any more children Farfarello." Crawford practically growled.  
  
"Which brings up the point of why the hell does he get the mouse chair all the time?" Schuldig demanded. "I haven't gotten to be in the mouse chair yet."  
  
The fire had finally killed the Schu and Crawford Sims, so they'd killed off Farf and Nagi's sims as well and had had a four grave cemetery going, when Schuldig had noted you could sell the graves and they were all sold. They'd made new Schwarz sims and had moved them in. They'd made Nagi a child and attempted to make him a little less perfect. He'd somehow managed to get perfect grades at school, but that was forgivable since some unseen grandpa Sim kept giving him money for good grades.  
  
"Can't have children." Farf pointed out, ignoring Schu while he pulled up the Sims relationship stats. "No couples. You need to fall in love again."  
  
"Hell no, keep mini-Brad away from that slut." Crawford snapped.  
  
"Slut?" Schuldig exclaimed. "How am I a slut!"  
  
"Your Sim has flirted with every neighbor that's come over so far. By the way, the neighbors stopped coming so I think you offended them." Crawford pointed out.  
  
"So he's a little outgoing. There's nothing wrong with that. At least my Sim does more than sit in the corner reading all day." Schuldig answered.  
  
While Crawford and Schu were picking at each other, Farf decided it really was much more amusing when the two of them were in simulated love, so he directed the Crawford-Sim to start talking to the Schu-Sim. By the time the argument had crescendoed and died, and Schu and Crawford noticed what was going on, the two Sims were in the vibrating heart bed again.  
  
"I'm beginning to think Schuldig was right about you and the power chair." Crawford seethed. Here was a chance for his clean start, blown already.  
  
"Move over." Schuldig pulled the mouse out of Farf's hand. Farf didn't move, so Schu simply leaned over him to play the game. He tried to get the Schu-Sim and the Crawford-Sim to fight, but once again they seemed to like the insulting, teasing and slapping.  
  
"How did that happen?" Crawford asked.  
  
"No room for nice points." Farfarello explained.   
  
"You're both assholes!" Nagi voiced his opinion from the hallway, where he was seated in front of the door waiting for one of them to make a bathroom or food run. It was inevitable, and the door would have to open. He was planning on diving for their legs and knocking whoever it was into the doorway, hoping their body would hold it open if anyone else tried to close it. He would then dive into the room. That was about as far as he'd gotten. Schu was definitely putting a mental block on his powers, and he knew the three bigger men could take him easily.  
  
If he had the element of surprise on his hand, he could grab the computer and run.  
  
SEVEN HOURS LATER…  
  
Schuldig finally exited Nagi's bedroom. Unfortunately, it was now close to three in the morning and Nagi had fallen asleep in front of the door. He looked both cute and pathetic curled up in front of the door. Schu walked over him and into the bathroom. When he got out an idea struck.  
  
He nudged Nagi with his foot.  
  
"Hmm? Wha…?" Nagi jumped. "Wait!" He glared at Schu, then at the very shut door. "Dammit."  
  
"You want some sort of revenge?" Schu asked, an evil grin on his face.  
  
"What?" Nagi asked suspiciously.  
  
"I want your help in something. Do you know how to cook at all?"   
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"What's this?" Crawford asked.  
  
Schu was back in the room, alone, but he came bearing a food tray.   
  
"Nagi made a peace offering. Kid really wants his room back." Schuldig explained.  
  
"Oh. That's almost cute. What's the peace offering?" Crawford asked.  
  
Schuldig pulled off the cover. "He cooked your Christmas lamb for you."   
  
After forty eight continuous hours of Sims playing, the energy levels in the room were beginning to weaken. Schu had made a deal with Nagi. Nagi would cook the meat, Schu would take off the block on his powers and Nagi would not use same said powers to take back his property. Now Schu could focus on altering Crawford's perception of smell from wafting, unholy stink to something almost yummy, since he didn't have to focus on blocking Nagi anymore. The caffeine boost had helped too.  
  
Now Crawford would eat the lamb, become violently ill and hopefully unable to play the Sims. Nagi in turn would be able to use his bedroom and have one third rights to his computer.   
  
And the most wonderful part was, after forty eight hours of continuous Sims playing, Crawford was so tired it didn't even occur to him to be suspicious of the meat anymore.  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
"Yes! We can send the Aya-Sim on a date with the Yohji-Sim!" Ken crowed triumphantly.  
  
"Thank you hot date expansion pack." Yohji said quietly, dodging out of Aya's smack-down reach. "Hey chibi, you're one step closer to being reborn!"  
  
"Gee, thanks!" Omi snapped sarcastically from the hallway. The door had been locked, and a dresser pushed in front of it, so there was no way in hell he was opening that door. Instead, he sat outside in the hallway, going through all of the disks they'd tossed at him earlier. None of them were labeled.  
  
He'd done some tinkering with an old register he'd found in the basement and a load of spare parts, and had managed to make a very, very, very low quality computer. He'd plugged it in to a wall socket and was attempting to label all of the disks. Whoever had saved all his material to the disks hadn't been very computer savvy. They'd saved a single file to every disk. There were over a hundred disks in the sack.  
  
"There's a taxi pulling up. Where are they going?" Ken asked, staring at the screen.  
  
"Downtown. That's where the date stuff is." Yohji said, reading from the manual.  
  
"What do they do on dates?" Aya asked.  
  
"Go to restaurants and stuff from the look of it. And they buy stuff too." Yohji added.  
  
"Ooo…you can buy each other chocolates and flowers and things." Ken noted. He was in the desk chair.  
  
"Hey Ken, make me buy Aya that. Then make us go to that fancy restaurant over there. We'll have Omi back within an hour." Yohji proclaimed.  
  
"They just barely fell in love. Don't rush it. Although, I do think the atmosphere is helping. Aya's opinion of you is in the nineties." Ken noted.  
  
"Guys!" Omi called, voice muffled from the door and dresser.  
  
"Yeah?" Yohji and Ken answered, eyes still fixed on the screen.  
  
"Can you give me the roll of duct tape on my dresser?" Omi asked.  
  
"I have some duct tape in the kitchen." Aya answered.  
  
"We're not dumb enough to open that door." Yohji added. Ken had been halfway out of his chair to get the duct tape, and he sat back down.   
  
"Yeah. We're…not dumb." He said quietly.  
  
Omi retrieved Aya's kitchen duct tape, grumbling under his breath. His homemade computer kept shutting down at the slightest wobble, and he was hoping to fix the problem by duct taping the wires so firmly in place he could drop it down the stairs and nothing would happen.  
  
He noticed that the sky was growing very dark outside. Silently, he began praying for a thunderstorm to knock the power out and at least give him his room back. He'd been sleeping in Ken's room since they'd taken his over, and wondered if they had even slept.   
  
It made him wonder. They'd been in there for two days playing the Sims. How were they getting food and using the bathroom?  
  
Well…they could've been gathering supplies of food from the kitchen while he slept…but as for the bathroom part.  
  
He didn't want to think about that anymore.  
  
ELSEWHERE…  
  
"Everything's wiggling."   
  
"You'll get used to it. Just lay down and go to sleep." Shu said dismissively.  
  
Crawford had finally eaten the rancid lamb. He was now five shades paler than he usually was, with a touch of green to it, cold, clammy and sweaty, and lying in Nagi's bed occasionally speaking bits of gibberish. He'd been having some trippy dreams from the sound of it.  
  
Meanwhile, Schu had not made good on his deal with Nagi at all, and had instantly clamped down on his powers again as soon as Crawford was out of the picture. Nagi was once again shut out of his room and now even more pissed off than he'd been to start with.  
  
Farfarello was pretty content, as he now only had to share the Sims with one other person. He and Schu continued playing, happily oblivious to their roommates, Farf with the additional knowledge that at some point Crawford would get better, Nagi would think of something (he was a bright kid) and the two of them would be so busy killing Schuldig that Farf could have the computer all to himself. For a little while anyway.  
  
Outside Nagi had fumed for awhile, and then gotten to thinking. He had realized something very important. Sure, they had locked themselves in with his precious, precious computer. But they had locked him out with all their stuff.  
  
He made his way over to Schuldig's room. He didn't really think he could use torching Schu's stuff as a threat, but it would make him feel a hell of a lot better. He opened the door and reached his hand in to turn on the light, and instantly pulled his hand back.  
  
He'd felt something slimy and hairy.   
  
Slamming the door shut he ran into the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife and a flashlight. He then warily made his way back to Schuldig's room and opened the door.  
  
The room was covered with every imaginable kind of filth on the planet. There were heaps of garbage and dirty laundry, some of which seemed to have spawned sentient life, not to mention all kinds of normal vermin. He stepped back when he saw a tongue shoot out of a pair of boxers and grab a fly out of the air.  
  
Nagi became confused as to how exactly he was going to manage to torch the one room and not get the entire apartment. Sensing danger, the psychically attuned monsters decided to defend themselves.  
  
A tentacle wrapped itself around Nagi's middle and pulled him into the recesses of Schuldig's closet.  
  
MEANWHILE IN CRAWFORD'S HEAD…  
  
"Hello Bradley." A cute little lamb with a sickeningly sweet voice pranced up to Crawford. They were standing on clouds made of cotton candy. The lamb batted its enormous eyelashes at him, and then fixed friendly sky blue eyes on him, eyes that perfectly matched the large blue bow it was wearing.  
  
"Hello lamb." Crawford greeted dazedly.  
  
"Do you know where you are?" The lamb asked. Crawford shook his head.  
  
"YOU'RE IN RAINBOW LAND YOU UNLUCKY PIECE OF HUMAN WASTE!!!" The lamb yelled, suddenly becoming fifty feet tall, growing fangs and glowing red eyes. Its bow had turned into a spiked collar, and it pointed something between a hoof and a claw at Crawford menacingly before turning into a giant poof of acrid green smoke.  
  
The landscape transformed into a rainbow colored mass of a trippy lava lamp-like substance. Crawford was thrown around violently as rainbow colored monsters tried to eat his soul.  
  
AT THE KONEKO…  
  
"We have baby!" Yohji announced triumphantly. He'd finally gotten a turn at the computer, his first since they'd gotten the expansion packs. After a grand total of five minutes, he'd managed to get the Aya-Sim to let them have a baby.  
  
He and Ken began congratulating themselves heartily, while Aya scanned the screen.   
  
"Brilliant Kudoh. We had a girl." It took a moment for Aya's words to sink in.  
  
"What? No…that can't be right. We can't pick the gender?" Ken asked.  
  
"Dammit! We were so close to getting Omi back!" Yohji exclaimed.  
  
"You'll just have to have another baby." Ken decided.  
  
"Hell no. Omi-Sim can be a girl. I'm not going through this again." Aya snapped.  
  
Yohji had taken about as much insult as he could stand. He turned to Aya angrily. "You know, your Sim has been having a pretty good time in this relationship, okay? My Sim is the one who's been bending over backwards to please your Sim. You could show a little appreciation."  
  
"What's the Aya-Sim doing?" Ken asked, pointing to the screen. Aya and Yohji turned to watch. The Sims were not under their direction at the moment, as there'd been a squabble, and the Aya-Sim had made its way over to the beverage bar Yohji had bought when no one was looking.  
  
Aya's eyes were so narrow they were mere slits, a look of absolute rage on his face. "You got me drunk!"  
  
"Aya, calm down."  
  
"You got me drunk like a cheap whore!"  
  
Omi had been listening from outside, but now decided he'd had enough. The conversation had turned disturbing. He headed downstairs to distract himself with some homework that wasn't due for another week, trying to ignore the thuds, wails of pain and cries of "Shi-ne!"  
  
"I am the child of a broken home." Omi declared miserably, as he opened his history book.  
  
IN SHULDIG'S CLOSET…  
  
Nagi sat against the wall, absolutely terrified. He couldn't see anything, and he'd lost his grip on the flashlight and butcher knife as he'd been pulled into the closet. His back, butt and legs were damp from the slime that covered the walls and the floor. He was keeping as still as possible, his heart hammering in his chest and his breathing coming quick.  
  
His jumped as he saw a pair of lamp-like yellow eyes open a few inches from him. He moved away from them and bumped into something hairy. He tried to move away, but the hairy something wrapped itself around him, and he couldn't even scream as it crushed the breath from his lungs.  
  
"What be ye doing here human?" The thing asked. This wasn't very useful to Nagi, however, as the hairy thing didn't ask this in Japanese and all Nagi heard was gibberish.  
  
Nagi instead began screaming for help in his head to Schuldig.  
  
Schuldig! Please-please-please-please gimme my powers back-  
  
No fricking way. How dumb do you think I am?  
  
It's going to eat me!  
  
"The human is not speaking. Yet it speaks without its mouth." The hairy thing noted to its lamp eyed companion.  
  
"Yes. The flame hair'd bringer can do this as well. This human would make a worthy sacrificial feast to the bringer. We must not let him seek out help." The lamp eyed creature responded.  
  
It? What's trying to eat you? Schuldig asked.  
  
I went into your room to torch your stuff and I got grabbed by a tentacle and now- Nagi felt his psychic link with Schuldig terminated. Schuldig? Schu? SCHU?!?! HELP ME I DON'T WANNA BE EATEN!!! Nagi wailed uselessly in his head.  
  
Meanwhile Schuldig lost his concentration on the Sims as what Nagi had managed to tell him processed.  
  
"Farf, save the game. We gotta go help the whelp."  
  
"What's going on?" Farf asked.  
  
"He went into my room, the idiot. And my pets attacked him. They're going to eat him, I think." Schu explained.  
  
"I'll get my knives." Farfarello answered. He was at the door before he stopped and turned around. "How come you get to have pets?"  
"No one knew about them until now. Besides, I grew them myself." Schuldig answered. As Farf made his was to his room to get his knives, Schuldig explained the origin of the monsters in his room conversationally. "The hairy ones originated from a colony of moldy pizza boxes about a year ago, but the smart ones, those are the lamp eyed ones. They came from a pile of dirty laundry. They've gotten smarter recently. I started talking to them and I think they're psychic too. Well, they must be if they terminated my link with Nagi. I think they started worshipping me as a God. I found an altar in my sock drawer with a decapitated rat and a pigeon heart on it."  
  
"You grew monsters out of piles of dirty laundry and you have a sock drawer?" Farf asked.  
  
Schuldig shrugged.  
  
TBC  
  
Thanks to all of the lovely reviews I have received so far. I know, the story's getting a little out there now. Should be interesting. Schu just doesn't seem like someone who would keep a neat room to me. It's like a more evil take on the Sith Academy version of Darth Maul's apartment, coupled with what my own bedroom looks like. And don't even ask about Rainbowland… 


	3. Near Fatal Fun for Chibis!

Schu flung open his bedroom door, wielding one of those gigantic metal flashlights you can beat people with menacingly. He shined it around until he found the light switch on the wall (Herman, a hairy something-or-other that molded himself to flat surfaces, had been covering it). The room was lit.

Between a mound of laundry and a mound of general garbage and filth, the creatures had set up a large piece of plywood. Nagi was bound and gagged with duct tape and lying in the center of it. A large hairy something was sharpening the butcher knife Nagi had brought in with him. The lamp eyed creature was nearby, trying to light a match.

"Lampy, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Schu asked exasperatedly.

"Holding a feast in your honor, oh great bringer of life. Now go away." The lamp eyed creature answered, glaring at Farf suspiciously.

"Can I kill them?" Farf asked.

"No. Listen Lampy, you can't cook my roommate. I'll get you a steak or something, just untie Nagi."

Nagi began inching his way towards the side of the plywood, with his captors now distracted.

"But a steak would never do for a sacrificial feast. We need to kill the meat ourselves." Lampy argued.

"Well…I'll buy you something from the pet shop then. Rabbit? Dog? Cat?" Schu asked.  
Lampy considered.

"I think a human sacrifice would work best."

"I don't think you get this. You're doing this sacrifice thing in my honor, right? And I'm here telling you I don't want you to do it. Are you really all that eager to contradict and piss off your God? Because it would be a setback for me if Nagi were to die. We'd have to go out and find another telekinetic kid, and it might take awhile. Besides, Nagi's all nice and trained up. It would be an unnecessary hassle." Schu explained.

"But he came in here to attack you!" The hairy one put in.

"Yeah, we do that sometimes." Schu said dismissively.

The creatures considered.

"I think…that the bringer is not the only god, and they are vengeful warrior gods. Look at the knives the scarred one commands." Lampy theorized, pointing its antennae towards Farf.

A muffled scream and a thud were heard as Nagi toppled off of the plywood and onto the floor. Schu walked over and pulled off the duct tape covering Nagi's mouth. Nagi tried to speak a few times, but nothing came out except inarticulate sounds of rage and fear. The hairy creature and the lamp eyed creature turned to face him, smiling at him with their jagged, uneven and bloodstained fangs. Nagi paled.

"We've decided to let you live as you must also be a God. Congratulations, we shall feast on this day for generations to come in honor of this discovery." The hairy one explained, once again not in Japanese, and as its voice was very gruff and threatening sounding, Nagi got even more scared.

"Right. So I'll get you guys some steak. C'mon." Schu picked Nagi up, duct tape cocoon and all, and they exited his room.

Even after they cut him from the duct tape cocoon, Nagi still hadn't spoken. He wasn't moving much either. "I think he's gone catatonic." Farfarello muttered, poking Nagi, who wasn't blinking enough to be comfortable.

"Eh. Serves him right for going in my room without permission." Schuldig said, taking position in _Nagi's_ desk chair at _Nagi's_ computer and playing _Nagi's_ computer game.

Farf left Nagi on the bed next to Crawford, who was still having fever induced hallucinations. He kept whimpering something about rainbows and souls.  
  
ELSEWHERE  
  
"You guys, Manx is here." Omi called through the bedroom door.

"You already tried that one and it didn't work." Ken answered.

"Yeah. See, when I 'tried that one' she was actually here, and it's been an hour and she's still here and she's getting pissed off." Omi added. He waited a few minutes, but he got no reply. "Are you even listening to me anymore?!" He shrieked. He pressed his ear to the door.

"Feed Omietta, we're being neglectful!"

"She won't eat. That's it, I'm taking the door out of the nursery."

Omi had reached his breaking point. He was a pretty cheerful little guy, but he could only be pushed so far. Here they were ignoring the fact that they had a mission and calling Omi a liar, locked into the little bedroom staring in front of a laptop and fighting with each other. Drastic measures had to be taken.

But first he had to deal with Manx, who actually was sitting in the mission room and had been for an hour, and was getting pretty annoyed at being ignored.  
  
LATER  
  
"Is it just me or does Ken-Sim have an unhealthy interest in Omietta?" Yohji noted.

"They just hang out a lot. I mean, your two Sims are…closer, so our two Sims got closer." Ken argued.

"No, he's got a point. Look. Omietta's at school and Ken-Sim is in her room touching all her things." Aya pointed out.

"Oh Christ, he's sleeping in her bed. Aya, send him to his own bedroom." Yohji directed.

Then the screen suddenly went black.

"What just happened?" Yohji asked, while Aya growled, "What did you do?"

"You assume one of us did this?" Ken asked, as he uselessly flicked the power switch.

Of course, they were so absorbed in the computer game they didn't happen to notice that the power had gone out in the rest of the house, nor did they hear the thuds on the ceiling.  
Meanwhile, Omi was holding on to a loose shingle for dear life. He'd climbed onto the roof to cut the power lines to the house. The thunderstorm he'd noticed earlier had strengthened, and the winds were absolute murder.

He cursed as he noticed the other houses in the neighborhood grow dark, meaning that he'd climbed onto the roof and endangered his life for no real reason, the storm had finally managed to knock the power out.

The shingle he was holding onto came up and Omi tumbled across the roof. He fell over the edge and grabbed on to the gutter, clinging for dear life. He started pulling himself back up onto the roof, and had just managed when another particularly strong gust of wind sent him back over the edge again, and this time he caught the gutter with his foot.

He was now hanging in front of his bedroom window. He could see the others, all gathered around the blacked out computer screen. He began pounding on the window with his fist.  
"GUYS!! HELP!! KEN!! YOHJI!!! AYA!!!"

And inside the three Bishi took no notice of Omi's plight. They continued staring at the computer and playing with the power switch. Aya inspected the back to see if any wires had come loose.

"Hey wait, the light went out." Yohji noted. "The power must have gone out."

"That makes sense." Aya said slowly. "Why would the power go out?" He looked to the window, intending to check the weather, when he finally noticed Omi dangling upside down in front of the window. His eyes widened and he dove towards the window.

"What's going-holy shit!" Yohji followed Aya over as he too noticed Omi, and Ken finally followed suit.

"What do we do? If we open the window, we'd have to push out the screen, and he'd probably fall." Aya assessed. He was met with silence. He turned to face his companions, an eyebrow raised.

"I was just thinking…it might be…a trick." Ken said slowly, not looking Aya in the eye.

"A trick. You think Omi is dangling from the roof as a trick." Aya said flatly. "Putting his life in danger."

"Well…I mean why would he be out there anyway? I mean, he's gonna get into the room now." Yohji pointed out, backing Ken.

Omi got the gist of what was going on from outside, and he began beating against the window in a frenzy. "Lemme in! I don't wanna die!"

Aya fixed one of his more leveling glares on Ken and Yohji. "You're both dumb." He then reached for the window, and Ken and Yohji grabbed his arms and pulled him away.

While the battle to open the window raged inside, Omi heard a very, very unfortunate sound. The sound of a gutter creaking as it prepared to detach itself from the rest of the house, for gutters are not made to support the weight of teenage boys, even if they are rather short and skinny.

Omi began waving his arms frantically trying to get their attention, but to no avail. The gutter groaned again, and after a dramatic pause, snapped free of the house, sending Omi flying into the next door neighbor's rose bushes.

Aya freed himself from Ken and Yohji just in time to watch Omi drop into the next yard. The three bolted from the room, down the stairs, out the door, leaped the fence and found Omi twitching and thorn covered in a pile of roses.

"I'm guessing it wasn't an evil plan-" Yohji started.

"It was not an evil plan." Aya all but growled.

"But it could've like…just gone wrong." Ken said meekly. Aya let out a very low growl, and Ken and Yohji quickly and carefully carried Omi out of the rose bushes and into the house.  
  
LATER  
  
"So Manx really was here?" Ken asked guiltily, dabbing at one of Omi's many scratches with a hydrogen peroxide soaked cloth.

Omi had stopped talking to Ken and Yohji after the incident, so he turned his gaze to Aya, who was peeling band-aids out of their wrappers for him.

"Aya, Manx was here while you were all ignoring me, or rather, convincing yourselves I was plotting against you. She had a mission for us, but since none of you came down, she just left all of the information with me. She wasn't very happy about it either." Omi explained coolly.

Yohji came in from the kitchen with a cool drink for Omi. Ken and Yohji were doing their best to make him comfortable, both out of guilt for almost killing him, and because Aya was sending them the most horrible glares and really, focusing on Omi kept them from having to look at that. Even while trying to be mean to them, Omi still came off as cute. He even said thank you to Yohji when he handed him the drink, then remembered he was mad and tried to glare again (it was a pout.

"What was the mission?" Aya asked.

"Kritiker found out where Schwarz is." Omi explained. The other Weiss all gaped at him.

"Apparently they've been sloppy or let their guard down or something. We suspect that they're recovering from some type of near fatal injury since they haven't been up to much lately, and we've actually figured out where they're operating from. So they want us to break in and kill them while they're still recovering from their injuries."

"All right…so we'll go on a mission…but we can still play Sims when we get back, right?" Ken asked.

Omi opened his mouth to protest, but Aya beat him to it. "Of course we're playing Sims when we get back."

"We should leave now then. I'm already going into Sims withdrawl and this Schwarz thing might take awhile. How far away are they?" Yohji asked Omi.

"Wait, we have to research this first!" Omi yelled.

"Oh, is that really necessary. They're injured, they'll be easy to kill." Ken said dismissively.

"But that was just a theory! They could be waiting for us! They could have planned this! They're dangerous!" Omi pleaded.  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
The very dangerous members of Schwarz were once again gathered around the computer monitor, excepting the littlest, who was once again sitting outside his bedroom door.

At the first signs of recovery from his catatonic state, Schuldig and Farfarello had tossed (literally) Nagi from the room, in a very cheerful manner all things considered.

Crawford had slowly recovered from the lamb, and to Farf's disappointment, had done nothing retaliatory to Schu as of yet. He was going to wait until he was at his full strength. The retaliation would be cruel, and without mercy. In the meantime, he consoled himself by torturing the Schu-Sim, as he was now seated at the power chair. He sent the Schu-Sim to touch the bug-zapper repeatedly.

"Let me in…" Nagi said weakly, dragging his finger nails against the door. By his count it had now been four days. Four days of continuous Sims-playing. He could have been off a couple hours, considering he'd gone catatonic for a bit, but still. It was far too long to sit at a computer screen without food or sleep. Granted, in a sense Crawford had eaten and slept, but it hadn't done him any good (all the lamb had come back out anyway.

Nagi was now feeling very sleepy. Knowing that sitting by the door would do him no good anyway, he dragged himself into the living room where he'd set up a sleeping bag on the couch. He sent a final livid glare at his bedroom door, and then curled up on the couch.

He was just starting to drift off when the sound of breaking glass and the door being ripped off its hinges awakened him. He looked up and saw four scary-looking assassins break into the living room. Realizing he was once again without the use of his powers, he curled up in a little ball and held the covers over his head.

Weiss didn't notice him immediately, and during this time he realized that help was very nearby. He sprinted off the couch, and before anyone could stop him, began pounding on his bedroom door.

"Weiss is here! Weiss is here! Help! They're here to kill us!" Nagi screamed.

"Yeah right! You could at least come up with a better story!" Schu yelled back at him. "They'll never figure out where we are!"

"They're here you fucker! They're going to kill me! Give me my powers back!"

"So you can break in the door and take the computer back? I think not! I foresaw nothing!" Crawford yelled irritably. "Now shut up, you're giving me a migraine."

"He doesn't have his powers…" Yohji's voice trailed off. "This is going to be easy."

Nagi whimpered, and slid down the door into a little ball. The four Weiss advanced on him. Omi raised his darts, ready to throw them, when he heard three thuds behind him.

He turned around and let out a string of very un-Omi like swears as he saw his team passed out on the floor.

Nagi raised his head, aware that he most likely was not going to die.

"Who the hell was that?" Schu asked, referring to Omi's very loud swearing. He got up from the computer (it wasn't very much fun watching one's simulated self being electrocuted anyway) and opened the door a crack. "Hey guys, he wasn't lying." He opened the door wider, and the three stepped out of the room.

Nagi rose to his feet, very much aware that the tables had turned. Omi grasped this too, as he began to tremble.

Omi backed away a few paces, eyes wide with terror, when he noticed how very bloodshot the eyes of his opponents were, and how little they were moving. He very meekly reached out a hand and nudged the Schwarz nearest him (Farfarello) and watched in amazement as Farf toppled to the side, into Schuldig, who fell into Crawford. The three fell to the ground in a heap, just as unconscious as the other members of Weiss.

It was Nagi's turn to let out a string of curses, though these suited him more than they had suited Omi.

"God damn those mother-fucking fuckers, fuck-fuckity, fuck-fuck, Barbara Streisand-tampon Popsicle, shit eating-WAIT!!!" It then occurred to Nagi that his bedroom door was open, and Crawford, Schuldig and Farfarello were unconscious on the living room floor. He leaped over their bodies, dove for his desk and promptly ejected the Sims from the computer. He then broke it in half and tossed it out the open window.

It occurred to Nagi then that he had left his teammates unprotected with one fully conscious assassin, who was clutching a handful of poisoned darts no less. He would be sure not to mention that to any of them if Omi hadn't snuffed them.

As Omi hadn't, and had instead followed Nagi into the bedroom to see what he was doing and saw him chuck the Sims out the window, Nagi made sure to shield the thought lest Schu stumble upon it later and alert the others as to his complete disregard for their lives.

"The Sims?" Omi asked sympathetically.

"They threw me out of my room. They stole my computer. My life was endangered twice while they were playing this moronic game and they wouldn't believe me both times!" Nagi yelled.

"Me too!" Omi exclaimed. "Well, I mean only once on the life thing. See all these scratches? I fell off the roof into rose bushes!"

"Ouch. I was almost ritualistically slaughtered by the monsters Schu's been growing in his bedroom."

"You win." Omi ceded.

The two stood in an awkward silence for a few minutes.

"What do we do now?" Nagi asked.

"I think the idea is we have an epic battle to decide the fates of our assassin teams."

"Yeah…"

"But…"

"Do you really want to?" They both asked at the same time.

"No fucking way! I want to go get my room back while they're still passed out!" Omi said eagerly.

"Me too!" Nagi put in. "Let's call a ceasefire. We say it was a draw when they wake up. You leave peacefully. Deal?"

"Deal!" Omi chirped. They shook on it. The two then raced into the hallway.

Nagi started dragging the trash bags containing his personal possessions back into his room. Omi picked up Ken's legs and started dragging him towards the door.

"Wait a minute. I'm gonna have to make multiple trips to get them all back to our place. I can't fit more than one of them on my bike at once." Omi pointed out.

"I promise not to kill anyone then." Nagi said. "Wait a minute!" Nagi ran into the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet. He ran over to Schu and stuffed a handful into his mouth.

"You'll overdose him if you do that!" Omi objected.

"He can handle it. I've seen him eat Tylenol like M&Ms after he's been clubbing." Nagi said dismissively. "Last thing I need is him waking up while I'm halfway through reclaiming my room. Come to think of it…" He drugged Farf and Crawford too.

Omi was now lingering by the door. "Can I have some of those too?"

"Sure." Nagi tossed him the bottle and Omi drugged his teammates before leaving.  
  
LATER  
  
"What happened?" Ken asked groggily, waking up on the living room floor back at the Koneko.  
Aya and Yohji were coming to next to him. Omi was seated on the couch, loading files back onto his laptop. He watched the groggy assassins rub the bruises on their skulls (he'd been a little less than gentle as he'd dragged them down the five flights of stairs in the apartment building Schwarz lived in.

"You all passed out. Left me alone to deal with all four members of Schwarz. Who were not injured." Omi stated cheerfully.

Ken, Yohji and Aya all looked horrified.

"How are we still alive?" Yohji asked.

"I took care of it." Omi said dismissively, turning back to his computer.

"You…you took care of it? By yourself?" Ken asked in amazement.

"Are you implying something?" Omi snapped.

"No. I mean, I couldn't take all four of them." Ken said quickly.

"Well I didn't exactly take them. They're still alive. But I got us out of there. No thanks to any of you." Omi watched them over the top of the computer screen. They all looked very, very uncomfortable. He cleared his throat loudly. None of them said anything. "An apology…?"

"We're sorry." Ken said lamely.

"Sorry." Yohji muttered.

Aya nodded his head at Omi.

"Accepted!" Omi said brightly. "But if you ever go near my computer again, you'll all be pumped so full of poison darts you'll look like pincushions."  
  
ELSEWHERE  
  
"What happened?" Crawford asked dazedly as he came to on the living room floor. Farfarello woke up next to him.

They looked around and saw Nagi sitting on the couch, watching them with interest. He looked particularly evil, with a very disturbing smile on his face.

"Nagi? What happened? Weiss was here…"

"Yes they were Crawford. And you all left me alone with them." Nagi said dangerously.

"Three of them were passed out." Farfarello pointed out.

"Not at first." Nagi growled.

"Where's Schuldig?" Crawford asked uncomfortably.

"I tossed him into his room. I think I might have overdone the sleeping pills this time. Either way he won't wake up any time soon to clamp down on my powers." The look on Nagi's face was pure, sadistic evil. He let out an evil laugh.

Crawford and Farf inched towards the doorway, very much uncomfortable with the situation.  
That was when the butcher knives flew out of the kitchen and pinned them to the walls.

Nagi paced back and forth in front of them.

"If you ever have the urge to take over my bedroom and steal my computer again, I want you to remember this night." Nagi began slowly.  
  
THE END  
  
A/N Yep, that was the last chapter. But I'm not done with this arc. I'm gonna keep writing with these guys. Mind you, nothing resembling plot will sneak its way into this. It'll just be Weiss and Schwarz interacting, and maybe I'll work with Schrient too, but that'll just be to kill Tot. You can never kill Tot too many times. Coming in the next installment: A gay prom and a religious schism. Happy something people!


	4. Mr Bubbles the Happy Hamster

Author's Notes: Heydo. Now, I know I promised a gay prom and a religious schizm, but I am putting these plotlines on the back burner. They need to stew a bit more. In the meantime, my little sister Chikin has given me a wonderful idea for a chibi torture…I mean a happy, wonderful fan fic experience for Omi and Nagi. I might include the schizm anyway. Hope you don't mind!  
**_If it's written like this it means it's telepathic stuffs_**

Omi glared at the little computer screen before him. As he was quite the adept little hacker, and the mission wasn't really that difficult anyway (collect info from sketchy corporation onto data disk and deliver to Kritiker), he had everything all set up and was just waiting for it to load. And it was loading very, very slowly.  
  
Omi bounced nervously on the balls of his feet. The other members of Weiss were elsewhere in the spooky-empty business building killing guards and whatever else may stop the data recovery. And if there happened to be a target relating to this mission left around in an office or so, kill them too. Omi didn't like the idea of everyone being so far away lest something big go wrong, which it usually did with his luck. Although the fact that he'd encountered Schwarz and managed to get away with all their lives in tact (yay for passed out and useless assassins, fucking Sims) made him feel a bit more confident.  
  
"Come on, come on. Load. Lo-a-d!" Omi urged the computer.  
He was then startled as the lights turned on. He spun around, and after the momentary blindness of the sudden amount of light wore off, was faced with Nagi.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Both boys asked at the same time.  
  
Nagi seemed to recover from his shock first, however, as Omi was sent crashing into a nearby wall well before he even thought to reach for his darts.  
  
Nagi stared at the crumpled teen on the floor in front of him. Took in the trickle of blood along Omi's scalp, the slightly odd angle his neck had taken as he'd fallen. And Nagi suddenly felt anxious.  
  
They'd gotten express orders from Crawford not to kill Weiss. Weiss was needed for their future plans of crushing Esset and eventually global domination and mass chaos, panic, etc. They were going to serve as unwitting pawns, and it was hard to be unwitting pawns while being dead.  
  
Funny. He and Schuldig had started a pool over who was going to blow it first, and all bets had been on Farf. It was just a matter of when. Nagi had been second only to Crawford in least likely to fuck it up.  
  
"What's taking so long? Can't you just grab the compu-holy shit!" Schuldig exclaimed upon entering the room.  
  
Nagi turned around quickly. "Ssh!"  
  
"Hey Crawford! Come and see what wonder boy over here did!" Schuldig shouted, a wicked grin on his face.  
  
"Farf did it! Stop it!" Nagi shouted helplessly. He sent an office chair at Schuldig's head, but Schu ducked out of the way easily.  
  
"Trying to do me in too now, are you? Hey Crawford!"  
  
"Shut up!" Nagi screamed. "I covered you when you sold Crawford's DNA to that sketchy pharmaceutical company. And I took the fall when you let Farf out on Ash Wednesday. And you blamed me when you fed the team mascot, Mr. Bubbles the happy hamster to your deranged pets! You owe me!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"Oh sure, I'll cover for the corpse over there." Schu argued back. "Okay, this is what we do. You get two sticks and some string. We'll tie him up and turn him into a mannequin. See if anyone notices."  
  
"This is not funny!" Nagi hissed.  
  
"You'll need to get some air freshener too, he's gonna start to stink after awhile." Schuldig continued.  
  
"I figured you were the one who killed Mr. Bubbles." Farfarello said upon entering. "Who killed him?"  
  
"Nagi." Schu answered.  
  
"I didn't-I mean-HE ATTACKED ME FIRST!!" Nagi screeched. He was starting to get really nervous. As such, things around the room were wiggling and cracking.  
  
Farf bent down next to Omi and inspected him. "For a dead body, he sure does breathe loudly."  
  
"What?" Nagi asked hopefully.  
  
Schuldig joined Farf in the body inspection. "Hey yeah, he is still alive. Wait! Wait, he's slipping…"  
  
"What?!" Nagi's face fell.  
  
"Wait, he's back!" Schu exclaimed. "Hallelujah! Sorry Farf. Oh, he's dead again."  
  
Nagi fixed a deadly glare at Schuldig. "Is he alive or dead?"  
  
"Hard to tell really. Could go either way. He's breathing pretty shallowly." Schuldig noted.  
  
"Lost him." Farf turned to Nagi. Nagi's eyes widened.  
Then he heard a voice in his head.  
  
_**Wooo-o-o-o-o-o-o…I am the blond Weiss chibi speaking from beyond the gra-a-a-a-a-ave…why did you kill me Nagi? Wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o…I shall have revenge!**_  
  
"Schu get the fuck out of my head!" Nagi yelled, hurling the office chair at Schuldig again. Schu dodged it and it hit the wall behind him, then fell onto Omi's prone body.  
  
"Ah!" Nagi exclaimed, quickly sending the office chair to the other side of the room.  
  
"Well that's finished him. That chair." Farf noted.  
  
"Yeah, he's a goner now. Good job Nagi. We could've saved him too." Schuldig added.  
  
Nagi was almost hysterically nervous now. The light bulb suddenly blew up.  
  
"What the hell is going on in here, I thought I told you all to keep a low profile!" Crawford snapped, finally entering the office.  
  
"Farf did it!" Nagi chirped.  
  
"How many times do we have to go over this. You can't use Farf as an excuse for everything. You're going to own up to this like a man and march over there and tell Crawford you killed the blond kid from Weiss." Schuldig said, evil grin in place.  
  
"What?!" Crawford yelled. "We need them alive for at least another few months!"  
  
"I didn't mean to! I just, he was there and then he was against the wall and there was a crack sound and then I threw the chair-but-I-was-really-trying-to-kill-Schu-and-not-him-"  
  
"Calm down. He's not even dead." Farf said, looking at Nagi as though he were very slow.  
  
"But…you all said-" Nagi looked very, very angry. "I hate you all. Even more than I did before and that's saying something! This is a whole new dimension of hate!"  
  
Schuldig and Farfarello collapsed to the ground laughing their asses off at him.  
  
Crawford walked over to Omi's body and prodded it with his foot. An idea occurred to him.  
  
"Nagi, one of the reasons we need Weiss alive is happening within the next week. They're going on a seemingly insignificant mission which is going to set off a chain of important events. I don't believe, in his present state, that Bombay will be able to go on this mission." Crawford noted dryly.  
  
Nagi gulped. This was going to affect him negatively somehow. Shuldig and Farfarello were watching in amusement. Crawford glared at them both.  
  
"Hey, for once it wasn't us!" Schuldig pointed out.  
  
"So…you think he's paralyzed for life?" Farfarello asked. Schuldig snickered.  
  
Crawford cleared his throat very loudly.  
  
"He is not paralyzed for life. He will wake up about two hours from now with temporary memory loss."  
  
"Making him useless for that mission." Nagi muttered.  
  
"Which is why he will have a stand in." Crawford said evasively.  
  
Schuldig looked like he knew where this was going, though Nagi was having a bit of a difficult time following Crawford's train of thought. (He's normally pretty bright, but he was recovering from having the shit scared out of him by his less than sensitive team-mates).  
  
"Why are you all looking at me?" Nagi asked nervously.  
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"Omi…are you okay?" Ken asked.  
  
"Oh…yeah, I'm fine." A high pitched voice that didn't quite sound like Omi's answered. Ken could just make him out from the end of the hallway. His movements were a bit stiff and jerky, but it was obviously Omi. "Listen, I got the disk. Tell that blond guy and the red head that I'll be back later. I have…somewhere to go. See ya later!"  
  
Ken blinked again and stared at Omi. He was about thirty feet away at the end of a corridor, halfway behind a wall, at the corner between two hallways, and Ken couldn't get a very good look at him. He shrugged it off, and promised to tell Yohji and Aya that Omi would be back late.  
  
Meanwhile, Schuldig was holding Omi's unconscious body halfway out into the corridor, and Nagi was throwing his voice down the hall. Schuldig dropped Omi onto the ground as soon as Ken left.  
  
"Not the most observant little assassin in the world, is he?" Schuldig noted.  
  
"Come on, we don't have much time before the other two get suspicious. They're a little more intelligent than that first one." Nagi snapped, lifting Omi telekinetically and tugging him towards the exit.  
  
"The blond guy and the red head?" Crawford asked.  
  
"I was on the spot, okay? I didn't remember their names." Nagi muttered.  
  
"You'll have to work on your Omi-voice." Schuldig added. "It may have worked on that idiot over there, but it won't fool the other two. High pitched yes, but not puberty high pitched."  
  
"Look, if you think you can do a better job then why don't you pose as Omi!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"Oh no, you're not using that one on me again!" Schu snapped back.  
  
"I could just see that. Omi growing a few feet, hair suddenly changes color. Fashion sense goes from flamingly gay to just horrible. All in the course of two hours." Crawford mused.  
  
"Horrible? And what is wrong with the way I dress?" Schu demanded.  
  
"Where do you want me to start?" Crawford returned.  
  
A/N More to come. Hope you like it! By the way, thanks to my co-writer Chikin. Her idea. Helped with da writin. Yay Chikin! 


	5. Bleachy Goodness

A/N Thankee for da reviews! In response, my partner and I have decided we must do something with Mr. Bubbles. He was just a one-liner, but now the idea of Schwarz having a pet hamster really does seem quite amusing so we'll have to work with that later. As for tacking this quite separate story along with An Unhealthy Addiction, it had occurred to me to make it another story. But I also wrote like that with my Harry Potter fan fiction, and eventually my bio page became a bit unwieldy. I see myself writing lots of short little Weiss ficcies, and eventually they will all flow, and it'll be helpful in the long run if they post together so I don't have to explain concepts I develop in every story, like Schu's pets and Mr. Bubbles.  
  
And as for Yohji's fashion sense…we'll be getting to that too…  
  
And in case you're all wondering, I haven't forgotten about Crawford's revenge against Schuldig. Schu has though. Mwa ha ha ha ha…  
  
AT DA SCHWARZ HOUSE  
  
"I'd say we have about two hours to make you look like Omi." Crawford assessed.  
  
"What are you going to do to me?" Nagi asked, somewhat nervous. Sure, he looked quite a bit like Omi, but he was still about two inches shorter and had much darker hair.  
  
"First we need to take care of the hair. What do you think? It's pretty dark…we might need to bleach his hair before we dye it." Schuldig noted, poking around at Nagi's scalp.  
  
"Wh-what? Can't we just get a wig?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Oh sure, if you wanna spend all day wig hunting be my guest." Schuldig called as he headed for his room.  
  
"Do you actually have any bleach?" Nagi asked, knowing the answer already. If it involved his personal torture and pain, of course it would be handy.  
  
"Sure! I have some leftover from that time I bleached my hair. It's a little old, but it should still work." Schu answered.  
  
"You mean that time you turned your hair green?" Crawford asked.  
  
"WHAT?!" Nagi screeched. "You're not turning my hair green!"  
  
"Oh calm down. It only turned green because he went swimming." Farfarello answered.  
  
"Oh yes, I _decided_ to go swimming. In my clothes." Schuldig snapped, returning with the bleach.  
  
"You looked funny when you didn't realize it was the shallow end." Farfarello said quietly.  
  
Crawford read the instructions on the bleach box. "Okay, we need plastic gloves to protect our hands."  
  
"And you're putting that stuff on my head?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Well I suppose you could do it yourself if you don't want our help." Schu supplied.  
  
"Okay, I want Crawford to do it! I don't trust you. Or you. I want you to stay away from my head."  
  
**_What about inside your head?  
_**  
"Out! Get out!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"What's that horrible smell?" Farfarello asked. "Smells like burning and pain."  
  
Crawford had mixed the bleach.  
  
"Jeezus, crack a window!" Schuldig complained loudly.  
  
"Shut up. So…do I just dump it on his head?" Crawford asked.  
  
"No!" Nagi wailed, covering his head with his hands. "That's it-I quit!" He took off at a run.  
  
"Someone grab him!" Crawford ordered.  
  
The three chased after him. Nagi was heading towards his bedroom, with the impressive lock on the door. He used his powers to slam it open and slid towards the door.  
  
He almost made it too, before Schu grabbed his legs and tugged him back towards the kitchen.  
  
"LET ME GO!!" Nagi yelled. He slammed Schuldig into the ceiling, but Schu didn't let go of him so he hit the ceiling as well, which stunned him and they both dropped to the floor in a heap.  
  
Crawford and Farf stood over them.  
  
"Now that that's out of your system, are you ready to have your head bleached?" Crawford asked calmly.  
  
"You ask me as though you're giving me a choice." Nagi snapped.  
  
LITTLE LATER  
  
_**Is it supposed to do that?**_ Crawford thought at Schuldig.  
  
_**It didn't do that when I did my hair.**_ Schu answered.  
  
"Well your hair is lighter. We had to leave it in longer for Nagi." Crawford answered.  
  
Nagi turned to look at the others. They all looked semi-nervous, and he could tell that they were communicating without letting him hear it.  
  
"What's going on? Is my head supposed to be burning like this?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Oh good, he can still feel it." Schu said under his breath.  
  
"What?" Nagi asked.  
  
"When we rinse it, are we supposed to shampoo or just use water?" Crawford asked.  
  
"That's a good question." Schu answered.  
  
Nagi whimpered.  
  
"Well…well we should probably rinse it anyway. Soon. Schuldig turn on the water!" Crawford snapped, sounding more uneasy as he went.  
  
"R-right." Schuldig had a nice big, fake smile plastered onto his face, as did Crawford. "Don't worry kid, you'll be fine."  
  
'Schu's being nice to me'. Nagi thought to himself. "OH GOD I'M DYING!!"  
  
"Just get under the sink." Crawford tried to sound reassuring, but the fact that he all but carried Nagi to the sink didn't have a very reassuring effect.  
  
"Hold your hands over your face, you don't want that stuff in your eyes!" Schu called as Crawford turned on the water and began scrubbing at Nagi's head.  
  
"OW!! Do you have to pull at it? Why is everyone freaking out? What's going on?!" Nagi sobbed. It was a bit muffled by the hands over his face and the sound of the running water.  
  
"Should his hair be smoking like that?" Farfarello asked. He'd just returned from the drug store with a box of cornsilk blond dye.  
  
"SMOKING?!?!" Nagi screamed.  
  
"Hold still Nagi, you're going to drown if you keep thrashing!" Crawford yelled, now annoyed.  
  
"It burns!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"I told you not to move, that's what you get!" Crawford shouted above Nagi's wailing.  
  
"The sink's filling up with water." Farfarello noted.  
  
"Yeah, it does that when it's plugged." Crawford snapped.  
  
"Since when did we have a plug for the kitchen sink?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"Since Nagi's hair started falling out and plugging it up." Schu noted.  
  
Nagi had ceased to scream his outrage and instead was letting out a continuous wail of displeasure.  
  
"Will you stop that?! The neighbors are going to think we're killing you or something! They'll call DSS again!" Crawford snapped.  
  
"THEY ARE KILLING ME!! THEY'RE DROWNING ME IN THE SI-" His scream was cut off by Crawford pushing him under the water.  
  
"Schuldig, grab his arms so he stops flailing."  
  
"Righto. Well the bleach is out. Farf, did you mix the dye yet?" Schu asked.  
  
"All set." Farfarello responded.  
  
"Quick, let's dye his hair now while he's pinned." Crawford muttered.  
  
Everyone was now wet and angry, except Farfarello, who was enjoying himself quite a bit.  
  
Crawford let Nagi up for some air. He sucked in a huge gulp, coughed a bit, and then continued to yell at them.  
  
"I hate you all! All of you! I didn't use to hate you quite so much Crawford, but I really hate you now! I hate you all more than cancer! I ha-" He was then plunged under the water again.  
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"You look lovely, really. Blond suits you." Schu answered, then broke off into a snicker.  
  
Nagi's eye was twitching. They couldn't tell if it was the bleach, or the anger. Blond didn't suit him all that well at all, because of the incredibly angry, almost scary expression on his face. Otherwise he would have looked very cute.  
  
"We just have the matter of height and clothing to deal with now." Crawford noted. "Which should be easy enough. We'll send you off in the clothes Omi was wearing. Then you'll have his closet when you get there."  
  
"And the height?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Maybe no one will notice." Schuldig muttered.  
  
"Well…just in case, I had Farfarello get you these." Crawford answered, handing Nagi a shoe-box.  
  
Nagi pulled out a pair of white platform sneakers. Seconds earlier, they all would have thought it wasn't possible for Nagi to look more angry or insulted. They were proven wrong. "These are girl shoes."  
  
"And the kid dresses like a girl. Either that or he's gay. Very, very gay." Schu noted dryly.  
  
"They've got pink butterflies on them! I'm not wearing these." Nagi said flatly, shoving the box back to Crawford. "I can hover."  
  
"You are damn well not going to hover! We've gone through too much for this cover now wear the damn shoes!" Crawford snapped, what little of his patience had remained now gone.  
  
"_You_ went through too much?! I'm the one that was drowned in a sink full of bleach! I'm the one that lost hair! Fuck you!" Nagi screamed. Then he was slapped across the face.  
  
"Don't sass me boy! There's no crying in baseball!" Crawford yelled.  
  
"What?" Schu asked, more confused than anything else.  
"I…I don't know. It's from a movie, I just felt like saying it. You've never seen the Bad News Bears?" Crawford asked.  
  
"N-no, I haven't." Schu muttered.  
  
"I'll wear the girl shoes." Nagi muttered.  
  
A/N Next chapter we might actually advance the plot! If this can even be considered to have a plot. Sorry this chappie was so short, more soon! I promise! Happy something people. 


	6. Intermission

A/N Hmm…I expected the last chappie to go over better. Ah well, it's probably so funny to me because I dye my hair a lot and have had to bleach it three times. Nagi's experience wasn't really exaggerated a lot. I've lost a good chunk of hair in the process and I've been told after the fact that my head was smoking. Not to mention the fumes have made me pass out before.  
  
Oh yes, and for those who didn't already know, Schu-Schu's hair is green in the manga, but to me it looks like he went swimming with bleached hair, thus the comment. I'm gonna rip into the inconsistent coloring this series has. Seriously, eye and hair color change depending upon which incarnation of the series you look at.  
  
And the Bad New's Bears line was from the outtakes on the DVDs, think it was on one of the last two discs. Anyway, we'll be referencing those as well. We may not be able to actually listen to the dubbers, but we'll admit they're funny as hell when they play around with the series.

And now, eMu and Chikin are proud to present, as an interruption to this meaningless bit of ficcie, the much awaited untold story of the tragic life of Mr. Bubbles the happy hamster, Schwarz mascot.  
  
"What is that thing?" Crawford asked, fairly annoyed.  
  
"I bought us a mascot. I figured we could use one." Schuldig explained. He was carrying a very large bag labeled 'Penny's Pet Emporium'. He pushed Crawford's stack of books and newspapers off the table and plopped the bag down, and began pulling out boxes and tubes.  
  
"What did you buy?" Nagi asked, gaping at the amount of equipment.  
  
"Is it poisonous?" Farfarello asked, interestedly glancing at Nagi, who backed away.  
  
"Nope. I bought a teddy bear hamster." Schuldig answered, pulling a quivering lump from an inside pocket of his hideous green jacket. The white and tan pile of fluff shivered nervously , hiding its head from the group of stunned assassins by cowering into Schuldig's palm.  
  
"You bought a hamster. To use as a mascot. For Schwarz?" Crawford asked, slowly, trying to figure out the train of thought that went into the purchase. "Were you trying to be ironic?"  
  
"No, I think he embodies the team spirit well enough. He just shit in Schuldig's hand." Nagi noted.  
  
"Ew!" Schu waved his hand and the hamster went flying off of him. Crawford impulsively reached out and caught the little ball of fluff. "Kill it! Oh…my hand smells like hamster shit."  
  
"It's just a little pellet. Stop being so overdramatic." Crawford snapped. "Did you name it?"  
  
"I think we should name it Dead. Because that's what it's going to be in about a week. I refuse to take care of it." Nagi said. He knew full well they were going to pawn cage duty off on him anyway. "It's a rat. We spend money to have rats killed. Why did you buy one?"  
  
"To boost team morale. Now kill it. It shit on me!" Schuldig yelled.  
  
Crawford protectively stroked the hamster's fur. "You're not killing him. I happen to think shitting in your hand is an admirable trait."  
  
"Can I hold Mr. Bubbles?" Farf asked.  
  
"Mr. Bubbles? Is that what you want to call him?" Crawford asked.  
  
"It's his name." Farfarello explained.  
  
"Schuldig, he really is a he, isn't he?" Crawford asked. Schuldig nodded.  
  
"Farfarello…the hamster whisperer." Nagi muttered.  
  
"I think he needs a longer title." Schuldig said.  
  
"Duke Mr. Bubbles?" Nagi asked sarcastically.  
  
"Mr. Bubbles the fierce Viking warrior king?" Schuldig put in.  
  
"Mr. Bubbles the happy hamster. It's his full name." Farfarello said.  
  
"This is ridiculous! Who named him?" Nagi demanded.  
  
"His mother of course." Farfarello replied.  
  
There was a silent pause.  
  
"Makes sense." Schuldig shrugged.  
  
"He wasn't acting very happy." Nagi noted.  
  
"He's happy now. He stopped shaking." Crawford said, reaching into the shopping bag and pulling out a hamster treat for Mr. Bubbles.  
  
"Yeah…Schu, what did you do to him?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Nothing. I bought him, bought the stuff, put him in my pocket, got on the subway and went home." Schuldig explained. They all gaped at him. Everyone.  
  
"You fucking idiot." Crawford muttered under his breath, reaching for a few more sympathy hamster treats.  
  
"You should empty out your pocket, because I'm guessing it's full of hamster pellets now." Nagi said with a snicker.  
  
"Huh?" Schu looked into the pocket he'd stored the hamster in and let out a small scream. "Gah! Crawford-gimme-grkin'-killit- HAMSTER PANCAKES!!" Schuldig lunged for Mr. Bubbles, but Crawford side stepped him and he ran into the wall.  
  
"It's your own fault for being dumb. Now set up the habitrail. I'm going to play some classical music for Mr. Bubbles and see if it calms him down." Crawford said, before leaving for his room, still stroking the hamster's fur.  
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"I finally set up the habitrail." Schuldig said wearily, collapsing onto the couch in the living room a good six hours later (the instructions helpfully came in seven different languages, the seven languages being none of the few he was literate in).  
  
"You didn't use any duct tape, did you?" Crawford asked.  
  
"I saw him going for it so I stopped him. Mr. Bubbles will chew right through that stuff." Nagi answered.  
  
"What the fuck are you watching?" Schuldig asked, as sugary sweet voices and J-pop dug its way into his brain, ensuring a headache.  
  
"Hamtaro." Nagi answered, an eye twitching with disgust.  
  
"Why?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"Mr. Bubbles likes it." Farfarello answered.  
  
Schuldig was about to comment on how stupid that was when he noticed that the hamster did appear to enjoy the show. He was perched on Crawford's shoulder, occasionally nuzzling affectionately at Crawford's neck, but mostly watching the happy little show with rapt attention.  
  
"Turn it off!" Schuldig begged. He was starting to get a migraine from the piercingly happy voices.  
  
"Mr. Bubbles likes it." Farf protested again.  
  
"Go to that void you call a room. And don't bother coming out again, no one will miss you." Crawford snapped.  
  
Schuldig stood up and grabbed at his chest. "It hurts Crawford. The abuse I suffer from you all!"  
  
"Abuse. Ri-i-ight." Nagi snapped, eye twitching angrily again.  
  
The hamster habitat started out in the living room, as Mr. Bubbles the happy hamster was theoretically the pet of all four members of Schwarz, being their mascot. It however, soon wound up in Crawford's room. Farfarello complained about this, as he wanted to be able to talk to Mr. Bubbles (he makes better conversation than any of you) but Crawford refused to move the habitat back.  
  
And so it went. Mr. Bubbles worked his way into the hearts of the members of Schwarz (excepting Schuldig, who still hadn't forgiven him for shitting in his coat).  
  
Nagi was slow to warm up to him, but eventually decided that he liked the hamster. Especially once his cage was moved into Crawford's room. This meant that Nagi didn't have to clean the cage since Crawford didn't let any of them into his room, and that had been the only real problem Nagi had had with the hamster anyway. He was actually kind of cute.  
  
And then Schuldig realized that he had inadvertently done something that made his roommates very happy. He. Causer of mayhem and panic. It even brought them together to some extent. It annoyed him to no end.  
  
And then there was the fact that they blatantly liked the hamster more than him. They rewarded Mr. Bubbles whenever he shit or peed on Schuldig or any of Schuldig's things, bit him, or chewed up his belongings. Something needed to be done.  
  
He waited until Crawford and Farfarello left the house to buy more supplies for Mr. Bubbles (not to mention every episode of Hamtaro they could find). Nagi had shut himself up in his room again.  
  
Very carefully, Schuldig crept down the hall to Crawford's room. The door was, as he had guessed, locked. He pulled out an old bobby pin and popped the lock, then walked into the room. He'd never actually been in Crawford's room before, and it looked exactly how he'd expected it to, very boring. And clean.  
  
"What a waste. You can see the floor." Schuldig muttered.  
  
Everything was in bland colors, so the habitrail stood out with the feet and feet of transparent neon tubes running out of it.  
  
Schuldig reached a hand into the cage and was immediately assaulted by Mr. Bubbles, who seemed to know what was coming. He jumped onto Schuldig's hand and sank his little teeth deeply into the fleshy part between Schu's thumb and pointer finger.  
  
"YAAAAHHH!!!" Schuldig screamed, flailing his arm. He knocked the cage to the floor, hamster shavings spilling out of it everywhere. He waved his arm around the room, but Mr. Bubbles didn't let go. If anything, now he was using his little claws.  
  
Schuldig fell out into the hallway, clutching at his arm, still trying to shake the hamster loose.  
  
He'd left his own bedroom door open, and his own home-grown pets noticed his distress.  
  
"Ah! Killit-KILLIT!!!" He wailed. Mr. Bubbles had let go of his first bite wound, and was now littering Schu's hand with as many bites as he could make. A good deal of his fluffy white fur was now stained red. Crawford had clearly taught him to defend himself.  
  
A tentacle reached out a gripped the hamster around its back legs.  
  
"Frederick no!" Schuldig wailed, too late as the tentacle let forth a might jerk, and Mr. Bubbles was pulled from Schuldig's hand, though his teeth had been imbedded pretty deep into his flesh. Schuldig screamed again, clutching his bleeding hand to his chest, a few tears of pain leaking down his cheeks.  
  
Mr. Bubbles let out squeals of terror as he was dragged into the recesses of Schuldig's room. The door slammed shut. Schuldig stared at the door, still clutching his hand and panting from the battle. He heard lots of hamster screeches, and then silence.  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
Schuldig jumped and turned around. Nagi was standing behind him.  
  
"Oh! For a minute I thought it was my conscious. Thank God that thing's still dead." Schu replied.  
  
"What did you fucking do to Crawford's pet?" Nagi asked again.  
  
"I didn't do anything! Look what he did to me!" Schuldig exclaimed, holding out his bloodied hand.  
  
"Yeah. A hamster did that." Nagi snapped sarcastically. "What did you really do?"  
  
"How do you know I did anything? You were in your room typing away-"  
  
"Crawford's door is open, Mr. Bubbles is gone and the habitrail's been knocked over. What the fuck did you do?" Nagi demanded.  
  
"Nothing. You fed Mr. Bubbles to the monsters in my room." Schuldig replied, now calmly rising and inspecting his wounds.  
  
"_I_ fed the hamster to the monsters in your room? I KILLED MR. BUBBLES?!" Nagi shrieked.  
  
"Nagi! How could you!"  
  
Nagi whipped around. Crawford and Farfarello were standing in the doorway.  
  
Schuldig had an evil smirk on his face, though it wasn't up to his usual par as he was still a little shaken from his battle with the hamster. He made his way over to the bathroom to patch up his injuries.  
  
"I didn't! It was Schuldig! I liked Mr. Bubbles, really!" Nagi squeaked, very quickly. He didn't like the look of Farf and Crawford as they slowly made their way over to him.  
  
"He did say we should name him Dead." Farfarello noted, voice very low. He twirled one of his knives menacingly.  
  
"I-I-I-"  
  
END  
  
A/N once again, written with Chikin. I would just like to mention that a hamster managed to school Schu's ass worse than anyone else probably will during the course of this fic. That hamster went out fighting!  
  
Also, Mr. Bubbles was given a funeral and has a little gravestone in the backyard. They buried his favorite hamster treats as they could not find his remains.  
  
I promise to really actually write some more fic soon, and maybe it'll actually contain Weiss since apparently they're the main characters of the show…I keep forgetting that. Forgive me for having more to write about with Schwarz… :'( 


	7. Insert a random German word here

"We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news. Channel seven is live at Store 24 where a crazed foreigner went on a killing rampage."  
  
Crawford turned from the television to glare at Farf, who was cleaning off his knives in a horrible attempt to look innocent. The fact that he needed to clean his knives defeated that prospect.  
  
"Should I even bother with the low profile talk again?" Crawford asked. "Because I honestly don't know if any of you understand the meaning of those words anymore. We do not want to be spotted. Killing sprees that get us on the local news are not good for us!"  
  
"I didn't take any hostages this time." Farfarello noted.  
  
"C'mon Crawford, you should've called this one. I mean, we sent him out to the store to get the dye and the shoes. That wasn't exactly the best of choices." Schuldig noted.  
  
"That's because you were too lazy to go and Nagi didn't trust either of you to bleach his hair, for some odd reason." Crawford snapped.  
  
"I was not being lazy! I was helping you and look, the kid bit me! That's gonna leave a welt or something." Schuldig noted, holding up his forearm. "Does that look infected to you?" He asked.  
  
"Nagi does not have rabies." Crawford said.  
  
"Oh how do you know? You picked him up off the streets, he could be crawling with diseases. He coulda lived with raccoons before he came here, how do you know?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"He doesn't have rabies! We would have noticed by now! It's been a few years!" Crawford yelled.  
  
Meanwhile, in Nagi's room Omi Tsukiono was coming to on Nagi's bed wearing biker shorts and a neon green t-shirt. He looked around dazedly, having no idea where he was or why he was there. He had once again lost his memory (seems he was prone to it) and got up as he heard voices in the living room, thinking maybe they could clue him in on who he was.  
  
He opened the door and peered into the living room where he saw a very scary looking guy with jaundice wearing bondage gear and licking bloody knives, a man with horrible fashion sense and gravity defying clown hair poking fun at an increasingly more pissed off looking Japanese business man.  
  
Omi shut the door again, deciding whoever he was, he was not interested in talking to the scary people in the living room. He made his way over to the window and pulled it open.  
  
That's not such a good idea.  
  
'Ah! What the hell?' Omi spun around the room, looking for the disembodied voice, when he noticed the guy with the horrible fashion sense and the gravity defying orange clown hair standing in the doorway.  
  
"We need to keep tabs on you, and anyway, it's really not safe to climb out that window anyway. We're kind of high up."  
  
"What's going on?" Omi asked quietly. "Who am I, who are you and how did you talk in my head?"  
  
"While you were sleeping we had a microphone embedded in your brain."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No, it was a speaker." Schuldig had a wide grin on his face. Omi looked a little frightened now. "Damn you're gullible."  
  
"Stop toying with him." Crawford snapped. "It's about time you woke up. Nagi's been gone for an hour already standing in for you."  
  
"Who am I?" Omi asked again. "Who am I?"  
  
"2-4-6-0-1..." Farfarello muttered making his entrance.  
  
"2-4-6-0-1? Is that my name? That is a horrible name." Omi said with a frown.  
  
"Your name is Omi Tsukiono-"  
  
"That sounds Japanese." Omi interrupted Crawford.  
  
"You are Japanese."  
  
"Really?" Omi asked.  
  
"Yes." Crawford said slowly.  
  
"I don't look it. Look at how big my eyes are. And they're blue. And I'm blond. I look about as Japanese as that guy." He said, pointing to Schuldig. "But you look Japanese."  
  
"I'm American."  
  
"Get out! You totally don't look it. Are you Japanese-American?" Omi asked.  
  
"Sure. Whatever. Anyway, you're going to stay here for a few days until your memory comes back. Then we'll ship you back to your home."  
  
"Okay!" Omi chirped.  
  
The three members of Schwarz collectively shuddered. They weren't used to such an upbeat, happy presence.  
  
MEANWHILE…  
  
"Omi?" Yohji asked, looking at the blond kid before him very carefully. He looked like Omi. Looked an awful lot like Omi…but… he was a little too thin. And he wasn't very happy looking. He looked kind of miserable, actually. And he seemed a little nervous, since he flinched at every sound.  
  
"Yes. I'm Omi. Of course I'm Omi, I'm certainly not someone pretending to be Omi. Who else would I be? Some other assassin?" Nagi said very nervously and very quickly.  
  
"Yeah Yohji, who else would he be?" Ken asked.  
  
Yohji opened his mouth to say something, seemed to think better of it, and then stopped. He turned to see if Aya was going to question anything, but Aya didn't seem to notice anything going on in the room. He was polishing his katana and muttering things like "Takatori shi-ne" or just "shi-ne" again and again and again under his breath.  
  
Yohji instead turned to face 'Omi'. "Alright. So you're Omi."  
  
Nagi glanced nervously at his wrist where he'd scribbled a quick cheat sheet for himself. He had the other members of Weiss' names written on his wrist, onto his forearm, along with physical descriptions. "And you're Ay…K-Yogi! I mean Yohji. You're the slut-flirt! You're the flirt."  
  
"Slut? That's a bit cruel. I have some standards." Yohji pouted.  
  
"Two legs." Aya muttered from his corner.  
  
'Penis.' Nagi thought, noticing that Yohji was wearing one of the gayest ensembles he had ever seen. He took in the super shiny leather or pleather pants and the snakeskin cowboy hat with a snake head still attached.  
  
"A-Anywho…I'm feeling tired so I'll just go to my…my room now." Nagi said quietly, walking up the stairs and hoping he'd guessed right and the bedrooms were above the flower shop. He paused at the hallway, not knowing how to proceed. Yohji had come up behind him.  
  
"Third one down on the left."  
  
"Thanks. I knew that. Because it's my room." Nagi said, forcing a smile. It looked painful for him.  
  
Yohji narrowed his eyes. "Look, you're not going to try anything, are you?"  
  
"What are you talking about?" Nagi asked nervously. "I'm going to try to take a nap."  
  
"Cut the shit. You're the kid from Schwarz. I'm not as dumb as Ken or as wrapped up in my own little world as Aya. Look, I won't start anything with you so long as this won't end in our deaths. That goes for the real Omi too." Yohji said pointedly.  
  
Nagi froze, the forced smile still on his face. He reached out on his telepathic link to Schuldig to seek out instruction.  
  
Schu…that blond one's figured it out. Like I told you he would. What should I do?  
  
Slam him headfirst into a wall like you did with the last one?  
  
Schu! Help me out dammit!  
  
What? What do you want me to do about it? I'm trying to watch TV. Schuldig snapped.  
  
Well then ask Crawford!  
  
You ask Crawford.  
  
Nagi took a deep, calming breath. I'm across town you dipshit! You're the fucking telepath! Ask Crawford and tell me what he says to do!  
  
Not if you're going to be so rude. You're in time out mister. I'll talk to you later. Schuldig then cut the link and returned to Aqua Teen Hunger Force.  
  
Schu! Schu!  
  
Yohji was still patiently waiting for a response.  
  
"God fucking dammit." Nagi hissed. Yohji raised an eyebrow. "I mean, gee golly gosh."  
  
"How long did they expect you to keep this up for?" Yohji asked. "Convincingly I mean?"  
  
"About a week." Nagi admitted.  
  
"So what happened?"  
  
Nagi decided that Yohji wasn't being particularly hostile, and he had no other brilliant ideas anyway, so he explained what had happened.  
  
"So. We're acting as pawns for your leader?" Yohji seemed interested in this. "What would happen if I stopped fighting the next time during a battle? I mean, you're not allowed to kill me or anything, so…would you just stop?"  
  
"I suppose. That would really annoy Schuldig come to think of it. He's the one always matched up with you, and he likes playing with his victims." Nagi muttered. "If you just stood there and didn't do anything and he wasn't allowed to…oh please please PLEASE!!! I hate the man, anything you can do to upset him-"  
  
"I'll give it my best." Yohji said with a smile. "So Omi will be returned no harm, no foul?"  
  
"He might have a bruise on the back of his skull, but he should physically be fine." Nagi explained.  
  
"Okay then. Guess I'll leave you alone then."  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
Crawford's eye was now twitching angrily.  
  
"What's up fearless leader?" Schuldig asked. He was sprawled in front of the telly watching cartoons and eating a box of fruity pebbles.  
  
"Nagi did something. I don't know what yet, but the future's changing again. As of now it's not in our favor. Wait…wait…there it goes. Okay. I'll let him live." Crawford seemed to have calmed a bit.  
  
"So…anything concerning me going on?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"Something involving you within the next thirty seconds just came to me." Crawford responded.  
  
"Good?" Schuldig asked warily, around a mouthful of cereal.  
  
"You could say that."  
  
Schuldig then began coughing weakly. Crawford watched in amusement as the fruity pebbles sprayed out of his mouth and onto the carpet. Schuldig made a fist and began pounding himself above his navel and well below his xiphoid process (yay for AHA heartsavers course!). Despite knowing the Heimlich maneuver very well, Crawford made no move to help his teammate, who was now turning blue.  
  
Schuldig finally managed to loose whatever he had been choking on as it went flying out of his mouth and hit the TV screen. "Ooo! I got a watch." He rasped.  
  
"You should really read the cereal boxes before you start eating. Either that or stop being such a glutton and leave some cereal for the rest of us." Crawford snapped.  
  
"Are you sure you want it? It's Atkins friendly cereal." Schuldig noted.  
  
"Atkins friendly?" Crawford asked.  
  
"It's got meat juice in it."  
  
"Ew."  
  
"Tastes like murder. And fruity goodness." Schuldig said with a smile. "Kick ass dude! My watch glows in the dark!"  
  
"Clearly it was worth the agony."  
  
"Clearly."  
  
MEANWHILE…  
  
Nagi spent the rest of the day in Omi's room, thus avoiding the rest of Weiss. Even though Yohji had promised not to do anything about him, he could tell the guy still didn't fully trust him (obvious reasons) and whenever he made a bathroom or a food run, he could feel Yohji's eyes on him, watching his movements.  
  
The next morning he stumbled his way over to Omi's closet to pick out an outfit for the day. The first thing he pulled out was a sailor top with matching navy blue shorts. He discarded the outfit out of pure hideousness. The next thing he picked out was a pink button down shirt that was small enough to ride up and show his belly button. With white shorts with scary white ribbon running through the bottom. Then a green dress. "Pink…pink…girlie…pink…girlie…gay…gay…bunnies…big white bow tie…pink…pink…jeezus this kid is not straight."  
  
He finally decided on a peasant top belly shirt he'd seen the kid in enough times with baggy green shorts that were almost long enough to be pants. It was cold out and he knew he was going to freeze, but dammit there was not a single pair of pants in that closet!  
  
He attempted to skip happily down the stairs, but tripped and fell, landing at the bottom in a tangle of limbs.  
  
"Very graceful." Yohji commented. He was standing in the doorway between the hall and the kitchen, sipping coffee. Wearing an even gayer outfit than yesterday.  
  
Which Nagi really wouldn't have thought was possible yesterday when he'd seen the snakeskin cowboy hat. But lo and behold. A pink rodeo shirt, another cowboy hat, uber tight jeans and red shades.  
  
"You have no right to criticize anyone ever."  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing." Nagi said quickly. "Is there breakfast?"  
  
"I don't cook, but you can help yourself. We should have a full fridge. Or if you wait a little bit you can probably bully someone else into cooking." Yohji answered.  
  
"Who normally cooks?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Omi."  
  
"Right. Well…I normally cook too…but it's not voluntary. And it's usually not edible, but that's purposefully." Nagi said with one of his non-painful looking wicked smiles, thinking of ex-lax and epitack. That was a fun day.  
  
Yohji looked slightly disturbed as he made his way over to the flower shop.  
  
"We open in about an hour. The mornings are okay, but wait until you get your first after school rush."  
  
"Huh?" Nagi looked confused.  
  
"Our cover is a flower shop. Four pretty boys selling flowers. Think about it for a minute." Yohji said.  
  
"Do you make good money?" Nagi asked. Yohji smirked.  
  
"No one ever buys anything. Except the princess. Oh, you're going to have a lot of fun with Princess Ouka."  
  
TBC  
  
A/N Sorry this chapter's so short again. Chikin went to bed. The two of us are working this arc together, and it's hard to get time when both of us feel like writing. Added to that we just post whatever we get done and call it a chapter. Ah well.  
  
So…two other comments. One, thanks to some reminiscing about my hamster owning days after writing chapter six, I went out today and bought a hamster. He's a tan and white teddy bear hamster and he's absolutely adorable. We're not sure whether to name him Mr. Bubbles the happy hamster or Dead. Any thoughts?  
  
Added to that I intend to fully trash some of the more questionable outfit choices made in my next few chapters. I think between my sisters and my friend Dragon's Eye, I've seen just about ever official image of Weiss there is, but if anyone else has seen a particularly horrid ensemble of theirs, drop me a line, willya? I'm I want to work in that dumb ski outfit picture…must work that in…  
  
OH! And thank you for the reviews! They're wonderful, they make my day and I'm so happy to be getting so many of them! And they're fun! It's like having conversations with everyone! 


	8. Okey Dokey Pokey Okey

A/N Heydo, we're finally back. Sorry 'bout the delay. Your reviews are, as always, highly entertaining and we thanks you for 'em. Chikin wishes to hug KaraiAtsuiJoo, and she is currently hugging the computer screen as hard as she can. We would also like to mention that we are stealing the term Nagi-Wagi-chan. It's just too frickin' adorable considering how angry that child is. Thankee for the term Suicide Angel 01. And now, on wit da Chibi Torture! I mean ficcie…cough cough.  
  
"So…let me get this straight. I work in a flower shop. And you're buying me those flowers as a present. Which means that, for this present, I have to climb up that very tall ladder, take those flowers down carefully, arrange them, wrap them up, ring them up for you, hand them off to you so you can then give them back to me?" Nagi asked flatly.  
  
Ouka nodded, looking a little uneasy. She wasn't sure if she liked this personality shift in Omi. Maybe he hadn't slept well last night or something.  
  
"Why don't you just give me your money?"  
  
"Omi!" Aya snapped.  
  
"What? It makes things easier for me? Besides, what am I going to do with flowers anyway? And anyway, that ladder looks rickety. I could break my neck getting down flowers that are just gonna go back on display anyway!" Nagi pointed out.  
  
Ouka looked a little hurt. "You just resell the flowers I give you?"  
  
"You hadn't noticed?" Yohji asked, popping a bow on the last Ouka display. "You bought this basket for him three times last week."  
  
"I don't really notice what I buy. I kinda just grab what I want if it looks pretty."  
  
"So that explains the garish red bow." Nagi muttered.  
  
"Is garish a good thing?" Ouka asked.  
  
"Yeah…roll with that." Nagi answered. Ouka smiled at him, looking very disturbing in the process.  
  
"Hey Omi! I'm going to the movies tonight, you're coming as my date, okay?"  
  
"Not okay!" Nagi snapped at her. Yohji sent him a look over Ouka's head. His eyes widened. Omi couldn't say yes to that sort of order, could he?  
  
"What do you mean not okay?" Ouka practically yelled, turning very scary and getting in his face. "Am I not good enough for you?!"  
  
'Yes.' Nagi thought, now terrified. Her face had gone all red and angry, and that dumb curl thing in her hair was really freaking him out.  
  
"I have…a hysterectomy tonight. I-I can't come." Nagi lied, very badly. Ouka seemed to buy it though.  
  
An 'Oh!' of sympathy went up from the girls crowded into the shop.  
  
"That sounds serious." Ouka noted with distaste. She didn't seem all that concerned for Omi-Nagi's well being, just annoyed that it messed with her movie plans.  
  
"Yeah. It is." Nagi responded.  
  
"Well then you'll just have to come now. I really want to see this movie, and it might not still be playing when you've recovered from your surgery." Ouka snapped.  
  
"Yeah. It takes awhile to recover from having your womb removed." Yohji whispered as he passed by Nagi, who shot him pleading eyes.  
  
"I'd really love to, but, hey, isn't that your wallet flying out of the shop?!" Nagi shouted, flinging the thing with his powers. "Into heavy traffic? You'd better go run and catch it?"  
  
"Oh who cares? Daddy can just get me another one." Ouka shrugged it off. "I guess I can't buy you the flowers then. So the movie will have to be your treat."  
  
"Well…I don't think I can leave the guys alone in the shop. It looks pretty busy." Nagi said nervously. Unfortunately, Yohji was still hovering around within earshot.  
  
"We can handle it. Have a blast. Need a loan?" Yohji asked, opening his wallet.  
  
Nagi's smile was now very forced indeed. "Thanks!" He chirped, then under his breath. "Weiss piece of shit."  
  
"Have fun." Yohji waved them out of the shop.  
  
'Rot in hell.' Nagi thought fiercely at him, while the purple haired creature that was Ouka clung to his arm and yanked him towards the theatre.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"That was the most miserable…well…no. It wasn't. But it was in the top ten at least of miserable things I've had to do!" Nagi snapped at Yohji, returning some five hours later, when he'd finally convinced Ouka that he might die if he didn't go have that hysterectomy. After the movie she'd dragged him all over town, and then back to her apartment, shudder shudder. He was going to have nightmares. That big red bow, advancing on him.  
  
"Taking a socialite out to a movie? Doesn't sound that bad to me." Yohji lied, but he couldn't really keep a straight face while he said it.  
  
"I don't know how I convinced her I was just joking when I tried to climb out that window!" Nagi snapped. "What kind of a penthouse doesn't have a fire escape? And how does Omi deal with her every day?"  
  
"He's really very nice."  
  
"He'd have to be. I almost killed her. Six times. Oh Christ, things started breaking in her house and she thought she had a poltergeist. She made me stay for a séance. We sat around on pillows for a half hour until my butt was numb and I was choking from the incense and she kept grabbing onto me saying she was scared."  
  
"Sounds horrible. Sitting in the dark with a bunch of pillows and a girl all over you." Yohji said.  
  
"She's creepy! You must be really gay if you can't recognize that that is NOT an attractive woman!" Nagi yelled. "Jeezus, Tot's more alluring than that!"  
  
"Gay? I'm not gay!" Yohji said defensively.  
  
"Right. You're a very straight cowboy."  
  
"That's something you should work on. Omi's not very sarcastic." Yohji snapped back, adjusting his cowboy hat defensively.  
  
"Whatever. I'm going to bed." Nagi made his way over to the stairs.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"That's it. We need to kill him! Finish where Nagi left off." Schuldig all but growled.  
  
"What do you mean? He's a little chipper, maybe. I've gotten used to it." Crawford answered.  
  
"Okay, for starters, he has no mental shielding! He broadcasts those super happy thoughts of his and sometimes he even hums happy songs in his head! There's no stopping it and it's driving me insane! I can't even purge it out by blasting speed metal, because then I just kill my hearing and all I'm left with is the thoughts! Bumblebees and ponies and kitties, it's a fucking nightmare! And the rainbows Crawford, the rainbows!"  
  
Crawford shuddered at that, thinking back on his fever dreams.  
  
"That's still no reason to kill him. He cooks." Farfarello argued.  
  
"Nagi cooked." Schuldig pointed out.  
  
"This one cooks edible food." Farfarello argued back. It was a pretty strong argument that Farf was asking not to kill someone in the first place, so Schuldig turned back to Crawford.  
  
"When I torture him, he doesn't get upset! It's so boring! He just starts to cry a little, or he apologizes to me! He hugged me and said he was sorry he'd offended me. He's got a strong grip and I couldn't pry him off!" Schuldig yelled.  
  
"Schu-Schu-kun!" Omi bounced happily into the room.  
  
"And then there's that." Schuldig growled, glaring at Omi with the utmost dislike.  
  
"I noticed your room was a little messy so I cleaned it up for you!" Omi said sweetly. "You had a lot of laundry."  
  
"You cleaned Schuldig's room?" Crawford asked.  
  
"Why aren't you dead?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"What do you mean?" Omi blinked at them in a confused manner.  
  
"What about the monsters?" Crawford asked.  
  
"Monsters? Oh! The puppies! They were all dirty so I gave them baths and cleaned them up. Some of them had really matted fur." Omi answered sweetly.  
  
"Puppies?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"Mmmhmm. They were very grumpy puppies." Omi answered.  
  
Schuldig walked over to his room, a look of complete disbelief on his face. He opened the door and screamed.  
  
"Since when did I have a carpet?!"  
  
"Since we moved in here." Crawford answered, coming in behind him. "Wow. That carpet was white. I never knew."  
  
"I had to use a lot of bleach to get the stains out. Schu-Schu-kun, do you spill red kool-aid on the floor a lot?"  
  
"Yeah. Red kool-aid. That's what it was." Schuldig snapped. He was glaring at the clean and sparkling room. "Where's all my stuff?"  
  
"I put it away. See, you have two dressers. And a closet. I put your clothes in the closet, and there's your comic books and DVDs, and your CDs are by the CD player. And I put your fondue pot in the kitchen, I hope you don't mind."  
  
"You have a fondue pot?" Crawford asked.  
  
"I didn't know about it." Schuldig answered.  
  
"One of your puppies was sitting in it." Omi chirped. "Um…the German Shepherd!"  
  
"Where are my puppies? Holy shit! Frederick! Lampy! Hairy! What has he done to you?! Stinky! I didn't even know you had eyes!" Schuldig gaped at his formerly fierce looking homegrown pets. They'd all been bathed and the ones with hair had gotten hair cuts. Hairy had blue bows tied all over him. "Kill it."  
  
"So…do you know how to use the fondue pot?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"Yup! I found the instructions. They were a little slimy but I could still make them out. Do you want fondue tonight?" Omi asked. "I can make cheese fondue, but I also know a really yummy desert recipe for chocolate fondue!"  
  
"Can we keep him?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"No we cannot keep him! And no we can't kill him either!" Crawford snapped, cutting Schuldig off mid sentence.  
  
"Is there anything else I can do to be helpful? I feel kinda bad since I'm living here and imposing on all of you for now. I already re-shingled the roof and washed the windows, so there's no real cleaning to be done. I don't think." Omi said sadly. Then he perked up. "Unless you have a basement somewhere!"  
  
"You're not allowed in the basement." Crawford said quickly.  
  
"We have a basement?" Schuldig asked. Farf shrugged.  
  
"No. We don't have a basement. Just cook supper Omi." Crawford said.  
  
"Okey dokey pokey okey!" Omi said with a wide smile, skipping towards the kitchen.  
  
"Can I just give him a push mid-skip? Cuz he might fall over and wake up less annoying, or at least he might be unconscious for a little while. Please?" Schu begged.  
  
"No. Leave him alone. Besides he's cooking." Crawford answered.  
  
"Food is good." Farfarello agreed.  
  
"Oh what? Does fondue hurt God now?" Schu asked sarcastically.  
  
"It might!" Farf snapped back.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
Nagi very quietly snuck downstairs, intent on avoiding Yohji as much as possible for the day. He hadn't forgiven him for his date with Ouka, and as far as he was concerned, the guy could have more vile tricks up his sleeve. He crept into the kitchen, which was thankfully empty, and he made himself a pop-tart.  
  
"Hey Omi! Whatcha eating?" Ken asked happily, entering the room.  
  
Nagi jumped, then panicked as he'd forgotten Ken's name. "Pop-tart?" He answered quietly.  
  
"Cool. I like the chocolate ones." Ken answered, reaching for a bowl of cereal.  
  
"That's nice. This one's got sprinkles." Nagi said nervously. He was horrible at making friendly conversation, especially over a subject as dumb as pop-tarts.  
  
"So…how was your date with Ouka?" Ken asked.  
  
Nagi growled at him, and he looked a little concerned.  
  
"Are you feeling okay Omi? You don't look so good. Oh! It must have been your surgery. I heard some of the girls in the flower shop talking about it. How come you didn't tell us you were getting a hysterectomy?" Ken asked.  
  
"You do know that a hysterectomy involves removing all or part of the womb, right?" Nagi asked. He'd researched it the night before out of curiosity. Now he wondered where he'd heard that word before.  
  
Ken didn't seem to understand the significance of this revelation.  
  
"Boys don't normally have wombs." Nagi tried again.  
  
Ken chewed on his cereal for a few minutes before a light bulb seemed to go off in his head (a rather dim light bulb. We love you Ken-Ken!) "Oh. Omi, why do you have a womb?"  
  
"Well I don't have one anymore." Nagi said dismissively. Ken still looked confused. "I bought it on E-Bay."  
  
"Oh. Well that makes sense. Because you like computers." Ken answered.  
  
"Yeah. Well…I'm just gonna…go…now." Nagi said, heading for the shop. He was expecting to have to do the brunt of the opening work, going back to that pecking order talk Schuldig had given him back when he'd first joined Schwarz. He was still the smallest one and therefore still had to do most of the work. So he was very surprised when he walked in and found that Aya had already done almost everything.  
  
"What's going on?" Nagi asked, very confused. The laws of his universe appeared to be faulty.  
  
"We're opening." Aya grunted, hauling a rather large pot-o-flowers out to the front of the shop. "Like we do everyday. Can you help me with the arrangements? We need those three ready for delivery."  
  
"You're asking?" Nagi seemed stunned.  
  
"If you're still recovering from having your womb removed then you can just work the register." Aya answered flatly, and Nagi couldn't tell if he was joking or not.  
  
"Um…are you mad at me for skipping out yesterday?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Did you have a choice in the matter? I was under the impression Kudoh forced you out with the princess." Aya answered.  
  
"Yeah. He sorta did. We did spend a helluva lot of his money. He's not getting that back." Nagi all but growled. Aya didn't seem to notice as he was already working on the arrangements, but Ken was standing in the doorway.  
  
"You're acting different Omi. Are you grumpy?" Ken asked.  
  
"Uh…wait. Why do you care?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Because you're my team mate, my coworker, and more importantly my friend!" Ken answered happily.  
  
And for the first time in about seven years Nagi cried.  
  
TBC  
  
A/N And the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day. And it broke that really expensive gold heart measure-y thing. He's gonna have to pay for that. Rather, Yohji's going to have to pay for that.  
  
As for a Hamster update, he has decided that I am Schuldig for so far all he has done is piss on me and bite me. And I have decided to call him Mr. Bubbles. Apparently he liked Dead better. I don't get it. He hates me. But he really likes my older brother, who happens to look and act a bit like Crawford. It's kinda creepy actually. If Chikin starts talking to him…  
  
Anyway! More to come soon and happy something people! 


	9. I am a Review Junkie

"Oh Christ Omi! Are you okay?!" Ken asked in a panic.  
  
"I-I-I…dunno! I'm not okay, gimme a minute!" Nagi sobbed.  
  
"What did you say to him?" Aya asked, staring at Nagi crouched in a corner hugging his knees and sobbing.  
  
"I broke Omi! Oh no! Omi, do you need a band-aid? Do you want me to go get you a cookie? What do you want? How can I make you feel better?" Ken asked, and at every question Nagi sobbed a little harder.  
  
Yohji stumbled into the shop looking very confused (and hung over). "What's going on?"  
  
"I broke Omi!" Ken wailed.  
  
"Not so loud." Yohji groaned.  
  
"Oh God! I broke Yohji too! I'm cursed!" Ken continued to yell, causing Yohji to double over clutching his skull.  
  
"You did not break Yo-" Aya started, but Ken cut him off.  
"Get away Aya! I don't want to break you too!" Ken shouted, backing away from them all.  
  
"I-I'm okay." Nagi said shakily, staring at them with wide, teary eyes. "You care about my well being?"  
  
"Sure. Say, if anyone cares about my well being, could they go and fetch an aspirin?" Yohji asked cheerfully.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"Crawford? When is that mission that Omi was needed on? When can we trade this chibi in for our chibi?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"Our chibi? Wow, you're finally accepting Nagi as a part of this team." Crawford noted.  
  
"I didn't say it like that! It's more like a pet. Or a tumor. Anyway, when does Nagi come back?" Schuldig demanded.  
  
Crawford didn't answer, and instead hid behind his newspaper.  
  
"Crawford…when does Nagi come back?" Schu asked again, very slowly. Of all of Schwarz, he'd worked with Crawford the longest and was very good at reading him, and he knew he wasn't going to like whatever answer he would finally pound out of his leader.  
  
"It might take a little longer than I'd originally anticipated." Crawford muttered.  
  
Schuldig's hands balled into fists. "IS THERE EVEN A MISSION?!" He demanded. "You're just doing this to be mean! There's no purpose is there?!"  
  
"I figured Nagi could use a lesson for…disobeying my orders…about killing Weiss. Well…it has been pretty amusing. And it cleaned your room." Crawford reluctantly admitted. "That was actually the motivation. We're having a garage sale by the way."  
  
Schu had gone rigid with anger. His mouth was wide open but no sound came out. Crawford calmly turned the page in his paper.  
  
And then Omi skipped happily into the room wearing a Kiss the Cook apron. He was heading for the fridge when he noticed Schuldig. "Heydo! Is Schu-Schu-kun having a heart attack? I know CPR!"  
  
"DIE!!!" Schuldig screamed, coming out of his freeze. "TAKATORI SHI-NE!!" He dove for Omi and knocked him to the ground, trying to strangle him with the strings of his apron.  
  
The angry eyes, red hair and familiar phrase…gasp! Omi's memory came back. He would've liked to comment on it too, but he couldn't really breathe around the apron strap.  
  
"Schuldig let go of him." Crawford said, sounding almost bored.  
  
"I'm killing it! I hate it! I want it dead!" Schu screamed, now so enraged he was mixing languages and it was half in Japanese and half in German.  
  
"Gack! Le-ghr-go!" Omi gargled. He managed to edge his way halfway into the living room with Schu still on top of him, where Farf was luckily watching TV.  
  
"What the fuck are you doing? I just sent him in there to make fudge!" Farfarello yelled, advancing on Schuldig.  
  
"Get away if you know what's good for you!" Schuldig threatened. Omi's face was now turning blue. Farf kicked Schu's head and pulled Omi away from him.  
  
"Can you still make fudge?"  
  
"Schwarz?" Omi croaked. "Why am I here? You're not going to kill me, are you?"  
  
"He might." Crawford answered, motioning towards Schuldig.  
  
"The happy rainbows are gone!" Schuldig cried out from the floor. Tears of joy were in his eyes. "It's so much better here…"  
  
"Of course the rainbows are gone. You triggered something and brought his memory back. Er…some of his memory back." Crawford explains.  
  
"So wait, enough to stay and cook?" Farf asked hopefully.  
  
"No, he needs to go back now." Crawford said, and Farf looked very depressed.  
  
"Goodbye food. The next time I take hostages I'm getting a cook." Farfarello muttered, heading towards his room.  
  
Omi still looked very distraught. "I remember being chucked into a wall. It hurt. I've still got a bruise from that!"  
  
"So…his natural state is annoyingly happy. But when he's got his memories he's more tolerable? I bet I could make him cry now." Schuldig thought aloud.  
  
"Get away from me. Can I just…leave?" Omi asked.  
  
"Well…we need to get our chibi back so we'll drive you back." Schuldig answered.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
Nagi had gotten the swing of being in Weiss at this point. It was a lot different from Schwarz, and he was enjoying it immensely. For the first time in possibly his entire life, he was happy.  
  
Sure, the flower shop was unpleasant, but there was something nice about a room full of girls who went out of their way to see him. And sometimes they made him cookies. The cookies were good. And so far none of them had been poisoned.  
  
Then at night he would hang out with the others (except Aya, who was moody and secretive). Last night he'd played Risk with Ken and Yohji, and he'd managed to take over the world, raping and pillaging Yohji and Ken's countries whenever he defeated them. Yohji kept grumbling under his breath about unfair advantages, but Nagi knew full well that if Yohji could telekinetically move the dice, he would have done it too.  
  
Yes, he was happy. Nagi Naoe was happy. He even hummed as he watered the flowers out front. And then he saw something that shattered his whole new world. He saw Schuldig's red car pulling up in front of the shop.  
  
His instincts were quick. He chucked the watering can at the windshield, cracking it. He then ran into the shop and dove behind the counter, where Yohji was ringing up a sale. He hugged Yohji's knees.  
  
"Don't let them take me! I don't want to go back!" Nagi sobbed. "I'll be good! I'll sleep in a cupboard! I'll do chores! I'll eat crumbs! Just let me sta-a-a-ay!"  
  
"What?" Yohji was confused, until he looked up and saw Schuldig, Crawford and Omi enter the shop.  
  
"Two Omis?" Ouka asked, eyes widening. "Yay! One of them has to do what I say now!"  
  
"Where'd that little shit go? He's paying for that glass!" Schuldig growled.  
  
Nagi was shaking, clinging harder to Yohji's legs.  
  
"You're cutting off my circulation." Yohji muttered, trying not to move his lips. "I wanna help you, but I don't think I can."  
  
"Don't make me go back." Nagi whimpered.  
  
"I'd know that whimper anywhere!" Schu exclaimed. "Nagi come on. This isn't where you belong!"  
  
"I know! I know because I'm happy here!" Nagi sobbed. Yohji very awkwardly walked out from behind the counter, and almost tripped as Nagi was still clinging to him.  
  
"I think he doesn't want to go." Yohji said lamely. "We wouldn't mind keeping him you know. He'd have to sleep on the couch for awhile but, I mean he's a decent kid."  
  
"That's nice cowboy. Nagi, let go of him and get in the car!" Schuldig ordered.  
  
"You can't make me!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"Is that a challenge?" Schuldig asked, evil grin in place.

"No! I don't wanna!" Nagi wailed.  
  
"What's going on?" Ken asked, and dropped a very large potted plant. "Two Omis?"  
  
"I told you all, this one's the Schwarz kid!" Yohji shouted exasperatedly. "But no one listens to me! I'm just a former detective and all, I don't spot things like this!"  
  
"Ken! You like me! You won't let them take me, will you? See! I finally learned your name! You're Ken!" Nagi shouted, releasing Yohji's legs and looking at Ken pleadingly.  
  
"I don't mind. You can be Omi number two." Ken said.  
  
"Omi two?" Omi asked, looking hurt.  
  
"Well you're Omi one. You're the first Omi I knew. He's the second one." Ken explained.  
  
"Wait. You knew about it?" Yohji asked in disbelief.  
  
"Well he said his name was Omi. So he's the second Omi." Ken explained.  
  
"This is all very interesting but I'm missing my cartoons." Schuldig snapped, upset at being ignored.  
  
"So I guess you'll probably have to leave now! Bye! See you in hell, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" Nagi waved.  
  
"Get in the car Nagi." Crawford snapped.  
  
"But…but…"  
  
"Schuldig…did you bring the puppies like I asked?" Crawford asked. He'd known something like this would happen.  
  
"Yep. Sic 'em!" Schuldig ordered. From out of the car shot four or five (one of them looked like it could have had two heads) of his home grown pets, still squeaky clean from their grooming, though they'd taken out their bows and ribbons. Nagi froze in shock at their appearance, and they used the opportunity to nab him and bind him with duct tape and tentacles. Schuldig used his favored old trick of clamping down on Nagi's powers for the sake of their lives.  
  
Yohji was tempted to do something to help Nagi, but Schuldig shot him a warning look.  
  
_**Not such a good idea. I mean, unless you want us to litter this place with adolescent female corpses.**_  
  
**_Well…there's a particular purple haired one over there you could get rid of if you really wanted to._** Yohji responded.  
  
Schuldig stored that away for future reference.  
  
Schwarz exited the shop and drove off into the sunset.  
  
And then Aya came out of the back room, grunted a greeting to Omi and finished watering the plants out front.  
  
THE END  
  
AND NOW AS A BONUS FEATURE, A STAFF MEETING  
  
Weiss and Schwarz filed into the cafeteria of the Danvers High School, where a free breakfast was being served from the lunch line. Unfortunately, the school council had decided to make all of the food healthy for that year, so they were treated to fruit leathers, soy nuts and other such disgusting but healthy fare.  
  
"I didn't know you could make cherry jerky." Nagi complained, while Farf attempted to shred his fruit leather.  
  
"Alright, let's get this meeting underway." eMu said in a businesslike manner. Her creations all glared at her, and she regretted the anarchist-tendencies she'd thrown into Schwarz (as a note, I'm not pretending I've created the characters, but I've warped them so that they are no longer the Project Weiss versions anymore). eMu cleared her throat, readying herself to try to get their attention again, when Chikin skipped into the room with balloons and confetti.  
  
"Hi everyone!" She squealed happily. "We got over seventy reviews!"  
  
eMu glared at her.  
  
"Isn't this the review party?" Chikin asked.  
  
"It's the staff meeting. We need to discuss the future of this fic." eMu explained.  
  
"I didn't know we had staff meetings." Chikin said with a frown.  
  
"There was a reason." Nagi said harshly.  
  
"Hey! You don't talk to me like that, I gave you most of your lines!" Chikin snapped.  
  
"To the point! The last chapter was rather short, and that's the main reason why this feature is here. Which means we need to find some way to stretch our crappy plots out into longer chapters. My next project is going to be the gay prom. Any thoughts?" eMu asked.  
  
"You're not going to do something clichéd like having me spike the punch, are you?" Schuldig asked, raising his hand. eMu attempted to hide her furious blush while coughing, as that had been the first thing that popped into her mind.  
  
"When am I gonna get revenge on him for the lamb? I've sat through seven chapters waiting for that!" Crawford grumbled.  
  
"It's coming. We just need to think of something good. Right now we're tossing around the idea of sticking him on an undercover mission as a transvestite prostitute." eMu explained.  
  
Schu raised his hand. "I'm against that, it's tired. I mean cross dressing humor? C'mon…it's been done. You wouldn't stoop that low."  
  
"I argue. Sounds great to me." Crawford said casually.  
  
"I like it." Nagi said with an approving nod. "Especially if we throw him in a biker bar."  
  
"I'll remember this." Schu hissed.  
  
"I vote he does not remember this!" Nagi said, raising his hand.  
  
"Naw, this isn't a part of the official fanon. This is just a fun cute sort of thing. Next topic, the prom itself. I've been wondering how to work pairings into this-" eMu was cut off by several hands shooting into the air. "Yes?"  
  
"Pairings? As in yaoi? Shonen-ai? Slash?" Yohji asked.  
  
"Yes." eMu said patiently.  
  
"I'm still not gay!" Yohji sputtered.  
  
"Oh ho…" eMu didn't seem to believe him.  
  
"I would just like to state for the record that I am fourteen. Leave me alone." Nagi snapped.  
  
"Listen, I don't even believe in this pairing, but my friend Dragon's Eye likes Omi/Nagi fluff." eMu barely finished the sentence before Omi and Nagi burst forth with objections. eMu slapped a hand to her forehead. Clearly this needed more thought. "Fine, next topic. Do we want to work with Schrient?"  
  
"Can I kill them?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"Maybe." eMu answered.  
  
"Why do I like Tot?" Nagi asked. There was a pause.  
  
"Take that up with Project Weiss. I personally think you could do much better." eMu answered.  
  
"Obviously she doesn't want you to end up with that blue haired freak. This one's a yaoi fan." Schuldig observed with a smug smile. Then he almost fell off of his stool as a thought occurred to him. "You're not going to make me gay are you?!"  
  
"Look at the female characters in your canon. All of you are going to end up gay at some point, either that or you'll all swear off sex. I mean lookit those girls! Damn! I wouldn't touch them!" eMu vented.  
  
"So…so you are going to make me gay then?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"I like you too much to make you sleep with those girls." eMu said by way of explanation.  
  
"You could make original characters." Aya noted.  
  
"No one likes original characters, and I don't need my reviews to turn into Mary-Sue accusations. Speaking of which, anything you'd like to say in response to our reviews?" eMu asked.  
  
"How am I Ned Flanders?" Omi asked. "I don't have a mustache."  
  
"I think she meant you were being nice." eMu explained.  
  
"I think you act more like a Care Bear." Chikin noted.  
  
"I would like to say that I neither have rabies nor was I raised by raccoons. Though I do think raccoons would have been better than those assholes." Nagi muttered darkly, fixing an eye-twitch-ful glare at his teammates. "And if you use that Nagi-Wagi-Chan, so help me God woman-"  
  
"And you have lost speaking privileges." eMu declared. And with the clicking of keyboard keys, it was so. An oops sticker appeared over his mouth, and he grew noticeably angry. But silent.  
  
"I'm not on crack. I'm high on life!" Omi exclaimed happily. "As for the memory thing. Yeah, when I can remember my crappy life, I'm kinda down. But when I have amnesia it's really kinda nice. I wish I had amnesia more often." Pause. "Unless it involves slamming my head into walls."  
  
"I would like to thank Suicide Angel." Farf spoke up suddenly. "It was very tempting to take those hostages, but I refused because I knew that it would annoy Crawford if I did. And he didn't appreciate it. It makes me feel good to know that you are proud of me."  
  
"You killed the hostages on the spot instead! And we should be proud of you!?" Crawford exclaimed.  
  
"There weren't any witnesses…" Farfarello trailed off.  
  
"By the by, we used that grave FungiFungusRayne gave us for Nagi to make a little waterfall thing in the backyard with. It's cool, it's like a wishing well. We're gonna get goldfish for it." Schuldig explained. "Fact is, we're keeping the kid around for a little longer, and we didn't want it to go to waste."  
  
"Thank you to Sky Rat for your review about me." Farfarello spoke up again. "I likes it when I talk about more than hurting God as well. There's more depth to my personality. I play the piano."  
  
"That's interesting, but this really isn't as cute as I'd planned it. I give up! Let's just post the damned thing." eMu groaned.  
  
"Chicken suits! Everyone would look so cute all chibified in chicken suits." Chikin said with a smile.  
  
"Fine." eMu groaned.  
  
And everyone except her and Chikin were suddenly dressed in Chicken suits. And chibified. And very pissed off looking.  
  
"That's all folks!" Chikin squealed.  
  
"More soon!" eMu promised.  
  
And Nagi yelled 'Someone Call DSS!!' in sign language.


	10. Did you hear about that kid Naoe Naomi?

"Schuldig, you wouldn't happen to know anything about the weird rumors about me going around my school, would you?" Nagi asked, his casual tone doing very little to hide his anger at the situation. He had a glare that could peel paint fixed on Schuldig, who was once again eating cereal in his boxers and watching cartoons (how he could usual be found during afternoons. His free nights were typically spent starting bar fights and playing with the minds of the inebriated).  
  
"Rumors?" Schuldig feigned innocence.  
  
"Yeah. Something about me getting a sex change. I was called down to guidance this morning to have a talk with the school social worker. Apparently one of my guardians called me out of school last week saying I was in Switzerland undergoing a sex change surgery. And it doesn't take a lot of effort to figure out which one of my guardians would have said that!"  
  
Schu shrugged. "You were out doing that job with Farf, and Crawford told me to call you out. He didn't say what to say so I just improvised and ran with it."  
  
"Improvised and ran with it?" Nagi's tone sounded downright dangerous now.  
  
"Can you move out of the way? I'm trying to watch my cartoons." Schuldig complained, shifting in his seat to try to see around Nagi, who was standing smack in the middle of the view of the TV, hands balled into fists and eyes narrowed to slits.  
  
"People were trying to figure out if I was originally a girl and had been living as a boy, or if I was originally a boy and was going to start living as a girl. Someone asked me why I didn't have a boob job and there's this guy on the basketball team who's been checking me out and he hit on me today! I stuffed myself in my own locker Schuldig!"  
  
"That's nice." Schu had ceased his shifting and was now seated at a very awkward angle with his neck craned around Nagi.  
  
"Are you even listening to me?!" Nagi screamed.  
  
"That's very interesting Nagi." Schuldig responded.  
  
"Nagi don't kill him, Schuldig put some pants on." Crawford said, sounding bored as he walked into the room.  
  
"Do you know what he did?!" Nagi shrieked.  
"Yes. I got a call from your school this morning. You rushed out of guidance before they could tell you about their Gay Straight Alliance, there's a meeting tomorrow afternoon for new members." Crawford answered.  
  
"So you know what he did!" Nagi established, carefully ignoring the bit about the GSA. "Why can't I kill him!?"  
  
"You can kill him after we've liberated ourselves from Esset." Crawford answered slowly.  
  
"Ay!" Schuldig exclaimed.  
  
"Well you shouldn't have told the school he was a transgender." Crawford scolded.  
  
"Well I wouldn't have bothered if I'd known he was gonna get all touchy about it! Would you have preferred if I didn't call you out, and they'd had you down as skipping? Huh, would you have preferred a detention?" Schuldig demanded.  
  
"YES!!" Nagi screamed, finally losing his temper and hurling his backpack at Schuldig's head. Schu dodged it and it hit the wall with enough force to send cracks into the plaster up to the ceiling.  
  
Nagi rounded on Schuldig, a psychotic glint in his eye, and Schuldig still wasn't paying full attention to him. Crawford yanked Schuldig up by his arm and started pushing him towards the hallway.  
  
He called over his shoulder to Nagi. "We can transfer you to another school in a few minutes." He then shoved Schuldig into his still generally clean room. "He really is going to kill you if you aren't more careful."  
  
"What, did you see something?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"I have no intention of having to clean itty bitty pieces of your brain and skull off of the kitchen, so please leave him alone for awhile!" Crawford fumed.  
  
"Is this a bad time to mention I crashed his computer downloading porn?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"Why the fuck were you downloading porn?" Crawford demanded, voice taking on a hysterical edge.  
  
"Because you do not answer people's questions!" Schuldig snapped back.  
  
A FEW DAYS EARLIER…  
  
Crawford was happy, uncharacteristically so. His gleeful smile was reminiscent of that of a small child's during Christmas.  
  
Nagi and Farfarello watched him apprehensively, and then eased up as he walked past them and handed a manila mission folder to Schuldig. It occurred to Farf and Nagi that Crawford had never sought his revenge for the lamb, and they watched eagerly as Schuldig sifted through the folder, mumbling under his breath.  
  
"Solo mission…kill business man…knows too much…frequents sketchy establishments…undercover…Crawford what the hell's a plushie?"  
  
Nagi's eyebrows shot up. "You're not talking about what I think you're talking about, are you?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Well take down your mental shielding so I can check." Schuldig snapped, flipping through the papers. "And a furrie? How can I go undercover as something when I don't even know what it is?"  
  
Nagi fell out of his chair laughing, and Crawford regarded him sternly. "How do you know what it is? Aren't you a little young for that?"  
  
"You stumble into all sorts of weird shit in chatrooms." Nagi said weakly through giggles. "I'll buy you a bear suit Schu!"  
  
"I'm serious guys. What the fuck's a plushie?" Schuldig demanded. Nagi returned to his hysterical bouts of laughter, and Crawford adopted a smug smile.  
  
LITTLE LATER  
  
Schuldig "borrowed" Nagi's laptop while he was doing an unrelated job with Farf and did a search on the words plushie and furrie. For the first few pages they were simply erotic images involving animals, and he still had no clue what the fuck he was supposed to be going undercover as.  
  
The longer he searched, the more he got an idea of what he was going to have to do. Especially when he followed a link to one plushie's homepage. It finally dawned on him.  
  
"They want me to dress as a giant stuffed animal, go to a club and solicit people for sex. In the animal suits." Schuldig said slowly. It was like the reverse of S & M.  
  
Disgusted, disturbed, insulted and slight turned on (and even more disgusted and disturbed at that last one), he clicked on another link to try to figure out the mechanics of fucking in a giant teddy bear suit when the computer crashed. He used his very limited knowledge of computers to try to get it to turn back on, and decided that he'd made it worse since it hadn't been smoking when he'd started.  
  
He calmly walked out into the kitchen where Crawford was reading a newspaper and (lucky for Schu) immersed in his own little world. Schu edged by him, very casually grabbed the fire extinguisher and silently walked back to Nagi's room, which was starting to become awkward to breathe in what with the smoke. He sprayed the computer down, replaced the fire extinguisher, and cleaned up the computer, wondering how long it would be before Nagi noticed what had happened.  
  
PRESENT  
  
"You're leaving the country. Now! I don't want you around when Nagi's figured out what happened!" Crawford yelled.  
  
"Well where am I going to go?" Schuldig asked, but Crawford wasn't listening to him.  
  
Instead, he'd stuck his head out the door, and saw Nagi angrily walking towards his bedroom, no doubt heading for his dead computer. Unfortunately, Nagi's bedroom door was closer to the apartment's exit than Schuldig's.  
  
"Out the window, hurry!" Crawford yelled, pulling it open.  
  
"What? We're kinda high up!" Schuldig argued back.  
  
"If you can make the drop one level there's a fire escape. Trust me, it's safer than going for the front door!" Crawford instructed. He'd already managed to shove Schuldig halfway out the window.  
  
Schuldig was about to argue more when he heard Nagi's scream of rage, and felt the building shake to its very foundation. He easily dropped onto the fire escape and kept moving, Crawford just behind him. They bolted into the parking lot and dove into Schuldig's car.  
  
"Drive to the airport!" Crawford instructed, craning his head out the passenger window to see if Nagi'd followed them.  
  
Schuldig happily broke all manner of speed and traffic laws on his way to the airport, ignoring the rearview mirror lest he see his doom reflected back at him. He knew they were being followed.  
  
Crawford stared behind them in a mix of shock, terror and awe at Nagi's powers. Nagi had himself suspended about ten feet above ground trailing behind them, and everything he passed under either got crushed or blew up as he passed, not to mention things about five feet on either side of him. He was on a rampage.  
  
"Faster. Faster, gun it Schuldig!" Crawford screamed.  
  
"I am gunning it!" Schu responded, skidding around a sharp corner. He finally pulled up in front of the airport and dived out of the car with the engine still running. Crawford took off after him, but stopped at a gate to buy a ticket for the next plane that was leaving.  
  
He handed Schu his ticket and Schuldig raced through the airport, and just managed to get onto the plane, which was already in the process of taking off.  
  
Nagi could only scream his rage and frustration as he arrived seconds too late to watch Schuldig's plane leave.  
  
NEXT DAY  
  
Crawford was true to his word and Nagi transferred schools. Unfortunately for him, enough students from his new school knew enough students from his old school that soon enough the rumors were tailing him regardless.  
  
By noon he'd been harassed in a whole rainbow of ways (that was a crappy pun). He'd been teased, hit on, spit on and asked to join the school's GSA three times.  
  
While weaving his way through the crowded hallways he noticed an emo chick tailing him vigilantly. He caught sight of her rainbow bracelet out of the corner of his eye and changed directions for the men's room, when he noticed the guys from the football team that had shoved him a locker that morning heading towards the restroom as well. Deciding he'd rather deal with the rainbow mafia than the homophobes, he continued towards his locker and was accosted by the recruiter.  
  
"Hey. You're the new kid, right?" The girl asked, though she didn't wait for a reply. "I'm Aizawa Sadako and I'm a member of the GSA-"  
  
"Not interested." Nagi cut her off.  
  
"Well if you were, we're having a meeting today for new members." She continued, assuming that his refusal was for the sake of any homophobic listeners and that he would really show up if she dropped the appropriate information, much the way the other GSA members had. "The meeting's in room 317. It'll be a blast, and we're going to have snacks and drinks."  
  
"I really don't want to go." Nagi insisted.  
  
"Sada-chan! Do you know if Minako-san's going to be at the meeting today?" A very familiar chipper voice asked. Nagi whipped around, and his eyes widened in shock as he saw the blond kid from Weiss skip to a stop in front of his would-be recruiter. Omi's eyes widened in shock as he recognized Nagi.  
  
"That's the new kid everyone's talking about?" Omi asked. Sada mistook his state of shock for a happy state of shock.  
  
"Yeah. He's being a little stubborn about going to the meeting though. Hey Omittchi, maybe you could _talk_ him into it." Sada said suggestively. Then she whispered very loudly, "I think he's checking you out."  
  
Nagi and Omi continued to gape at each other as Sada took off for lunch.  
  
"You didn't really have a sex change, did you?" Omi finally asked.  
  
"No." Nagi hissed.  
  
"So you're…a…"  
  
"I'm a guy!" Nagi looked offended now.  
  
"Okay." Omi said defensively. "You're just kinda pretty so it made me wonder."  
  
'Pretty?' Nagi thought with distaste. "You're not actually going to try to make me join the GSA, are you?"  
  
"Um…if you want to you're welcome there I suppose. But…don't you think it'd be a little awkward?" Omi asked.  
  
"Yes. I do. Especially since I'm a straight male and NOT transgendered!" Nagi exclaimed.  
  
"Well…it's a gay _straight_ alliance." Omi pointed out. "If you want to show up I promise not to chuck poisoned darts at you. And you might want to reconsider. Outside of the GSA members this school's a bit homophobic so those are the only kids who are going to be nice to you. See you around!" Omi chirped.  
  
Nagi glared at him as he left, wondering if Crawford would let him change schools again.  
  
A/N Sorry about the staff meeting last chapter. It was just too small a chapter to post by itself. I promise never to do it again. Let's see…DSS, I think it stands for Domestic Social Services, they're an organization that gets involved in troubled families. They inspect homes and organize counseling and under extreme circumstances take children out of homes.  
  
I'm trying to decide where the hell that plane Schuldig's on is going. Has to be someplace miserable…either that or someplace really, really nice to annoy Nagi further. Hmm. By the by, I did not make up the concepts of plushies and furries. They're real. I forget which one is which, but one of them is a group of people who have sex with stuffed animals, and the others are people who dress as animals while having sex. Weird fetish, but then what right do I have to judge?  
  
Hopefully I'll have another update soon. The writing's going a bit slower now that Chikin's not helping me out anymore. Damn her, she's back at school. Oh, and for a Mr. Bubbles update. He was nice to me for awhile, but then he bit me again last night. I've decided to accept my role in life and this Friday some of my paycheck will be going towards buying a particularly hideous green coat I noticed at Target the other night. Happy something people! 


	11. Huggles for NagiWagiChan!

Heydo! Alright, Chikin's back writing this installment with me. After much thinking and discussion, I have decided on what I am going to do. According to reviews, I've got a damned if I do damned if I don't thing going with the Nagi/Omi slashiness. Hmm…well I've got a solution that's sure to piss everybody off! Yay! And as for what we did to Schu…mwa ha ha ha ha…let me put it this way…poor Nagi. We've been rough to him and since he's been such a good sport, we're giving him a hug with this fic. And for Nagi to get hugged, Schu needs to get slapped. With that said, here's da ficcie!  
  
"How was school?"  
  
"I hate my life!"  
  
"Good?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"Sure! Why not? I should be used to the fates shitting on me, I mean, it's been going on for fourteen fucking years now!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"Fine. Throw a temper tantrum."  
  
"Are you trying to take Schu's place while he's gone or something?" Nagi snapped at Farfarello, who shrugged.  
  
"It's too quiet around here." Farf answered. "I'm gonna go poke Crawford and ask when Schuldig's coming back again."  
  
"You do that. I'm going to go chew open the veins in my wrist."  
  
Nagi slumped over to his bedroom door, growled at his still dead computer and flopped onto his bed to glare at the ceiling. The bastards had made him do it. He'd joined the GSA.  
  
He'd had no choice about it, really. He'd stayed after class to discuss a paper with one of his teachers and as he'd left he'd seen the football team coming, they were running laps around the school as part of practice. So he'd ducked into the first classroom he'd seen to get away from them, which happened to be 317. There he'd been met by smiling emo-faces and a very false smile from Omi, and dammit, the whole rainbow mafia assumed they liked each other! Apparently death-glares meant love to those freaks. He'd been partnered with Omi for the GSA's first big project, the gay prom. He and Omi were the decorating committee.  
  
Which meant at six o'clock he was going to meet Omi for pizza to begin their planning. And explaining that one to his teammates was going to be fun.  
  
'Ah Schu, even without you here my life still royally sucks. That must make you happy, wherever you are.' Nagi thought bitterly. Then his bed broke and the mattress landed with a bang on the floor. He got up and kicked the mattress, and a spring shot up the middle making it impossible to lie back down on comfortably.  
  
"I will be retiring on the couch tonight."  
  
MEANWHILE…  
  
"Florida…" Schuldig squinted angrily, wishing he'd grabbed his sunglasses before fleeing for his life out the window. He had managed to grab pants and a t-shirt before leaving, and Crawford's credit card so he was walking around looking for a mall.  
  
After a few minutes he found a shopping mall, and was almost immediately stopped by a security guard. "No shirt, no shoes, no service."  
  
"I'm wearing a shirt!" Schuldig argued.  
  
"No shoes, no service." The guard repeated, looking annoyed.  
  
Schuldig shrugged, then pulled off his pants, ripped them in half and wrapped them around his feet. "There. Shoes. Shirt. Service me my good man!" He walked past the security guard, looking for a sunglasses hut, when he was yanked backwards by his shirt collar.  
  
"You fucking punk!" He made to drag Schuldig towards the mall office, so he gave the guy a migraine and bolted while the guy grabbed his skull.  
  
After purchasing new pants, sunglasses, socks and shoes, Schuldig exited the mall and looked around for something to do to max out Crawford's credit card. Where he spotted the hap-happiest consumer place on earth. Disneyland.  
  
"Ooo…that looks expensive. And magical. And I can rip off a Winnie the Pooh costume for the mission. And destroy a childhood haven. Two birds with one stone! To Disney!" He hummed happily to himself as he set off.  
  
BACK IN JAPAN  
  
"Well we need a theme."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you have themes at dances."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it makes them fun."  
  
"How?"  
  
"It just does!" Omi whined. "I was thinking we could use heaven. I saw a school use that for one of their proms and it was a lot of fun. We could get a fog machine-"  
  
"And some Zippos!" Nagi added enthusiastically. "Then we could light the place and lock the doors!"  
  
"That's…not what the GSA…was really going for." Omi said uncomfortably. "If you don't like heaven we could do…starry night. I saw another school do that one and it turned out good."  
  
"We could do gay. Because that's what it is."  
  
"Could you at least try to be helpful?" Omi snapped.  
  
"I'm trying. But everything you've said so far is really dumb and corny!" Nagi snapped back.  
  
"It's a school dance! It's supposed to be dumb and corny! Negative Nancy!" Omi said accusingly. Nagi glared at him.  
  
"What? It's an expression. Oh."  
  
"Oh what?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Nothing." Omi said awkwardly.  
  
"No, not nothing, what?" Nagi almost growled.  
  
"Well…you just…you still think you're straight, don't you?"  
  
"I am straight!" Nagi yelled. The waitress stared at him as she placed the pizza in front of them. Nagi and Omi sat in an awkward silence until she was out of ear shot.  
  
"Okay then. How many girls have you dated?" Omi asked.  
"I'm fourteen! Give me some time to live. Anyway, dating gets a bit hard with the people I live with. You try taking a girl home to meet Farfarello and Schuldig."  
  
"Point ceded. Still, how many girls have you liked?" Omi asked.  
  
"How many guys have you liked?" Nagi shot back.  
  
"A few. Answer the question, if you're so sure."  
  
"Fine." Nagi snapped. And didn't say anything. Omi raised an eyebrow. "It's none of your business anyway!"  
  
"Okay. You're straight. Sure." Omi said patronizingly.  
  
"I'm straighter than you!"  
  
"Honey, that's not saying much." Omi answered, patting the pink hat he was wearing.  
  
"Fine. Why don't we use hell as a theme?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Heaven and hell would be fun, actually." Omi's voice trailed off. "People could dress up as angels and demons."  
  
"You seriously think that would work? I thought hell would be a bit of an insult. I mean, aren't people always telling you guys you're going to hell?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Sure. That's why it would be fun. Sada-chan would love it. I'll bet you anything she dresses as a demon and makes Kaz-san dress as an angel and she puts him on a leash."  
  
Nagi looked slightly disturbed at that thought. "Alright. We have a theme. How are we going to decorate for it?"  
  
"Streamers?" Omi suggested. Nagi scowled. "Just kidding. How's this? Half the place heaven and half hell. I'll work on the heaven half, you work on the hell half and then we hardly have to talk. That's what you want, right?"  
  
"Uh…yeah. Fine." Awkward pause. "Are you gonna supply flowers?"  
  
Omi considered. "Then I'd have to tell the others I'm in the GSA."  
  
"Are you telling me you're attempting to keep your blatant gayness secret from your coworkers?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Yohji's doing it too." Omi answered with a blush.  
  
"Yeah, but that's because he's in denial." Nagi shot back.  
  
"You're one to talk about denial. Anyway, I haven't really thought about coming out to them yet. Generally we don't talk about our personal lives. We just stalk each other. Someone's probably watching me right now through binoculars."  
  
"What the hell?!" Nagi whipped his head around, and spotted Yohji across the street inconspicuously reading a newspaper. Then he spotted Ken in a booth on the other side of the restaurant from them with binoculars and a newspaper over his head.  
  
"Ken's not very good at the spying, but Yohji and Aya…I almost never catch them." Omi said casually.  
  
"Wait. So they're all here?" Nagi asked.  
  
"No. Aya's visiting his sister. I followed him to the hospital before coming here."  
  
"That is not healthy." Nagi said uncomfortably.  
  
"Right. You're an assassin. Do you trust your teammates?" Omi asked.  
  
"I don't spy on them! Though I probably should." He ground his teeth, thinking of Schuldig and how close he'd been to ripping his spine out of his back.  
  
"Anyway…I'll start working on my half of the dance tonight. We should meet tomorrow so our sections can mirror the other. Only I don't want to meet here again because Yohji and Ken are going to think we're dating." He grabbed a napkin and started drawing a map. "Meet me at the library but go this way, so you can shake them off."  
  
"Tell them to leave me alone or I'll implode their brains!" Nagi exclaimed.  
  
"Yohji knows you're not allowed to kill us."  
  
"Oh right. Fine. I'll just break his legs!"  
  
"He might buy that."  
  
"What do you mean might? I'll do it!" Nagi insisted. He paused. "Does Yohji read lips?"  
  
"He should be able to." Omi answered. Nagi faced the window and repeated what he'd said before. Yohji folded up the newspaper and walked away. Ken slowly lowered himself down the back of the booth seat and then slowly left the restaurant, with the newspaper still on his head and the binoculars still pressed against his face.  
  
"What the hell is he doing?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Being stealthy. He doesn't think you can see him." Omi answered.  
  
"Is he humming?" Nagi asked.  
  
"Escape music."  
  
"And you're used to this?"  
  
"Mmmhmm. Could be worse I suppose. Don't your coworkers do things like this?" Omi asked.  
  
"No. They break my computer, start weird rumors about me, burn my scalp off and threaten me with ritualistic slaughter." Nagi snapped, eye twitching.  
  
"About that scalp thing, you look cute as a blond. You should do your roots though." Omi commented.  
  
"I'm gonna let it grow out. I want my hair back. I liked it brown."  
  
"You keep doing that."  
  
"Doing what?"  
  
"Getting angry every time I compliment you. I said you're cute and you got all pissed off." Omi noted with amusement. Nagi growled. "You're blushing now."  
  
"I'm not!" Nagi insisted. "It's an angry blush!"  
  
"Aw…you're embarrassed."  
  
"This is not embarrassment! This is rage!" Nagi insisted.  
  
"It's very cute rage then." Omi gushed.  
  
"You're sickening."  
  
"You're sweet!"  
  
"You make my stomach turn. You make me want to vomit blood."  
  
"Thank you Nagi-Wagi-chan!"  
  
"Don't call me that!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"Are your ears red now too?" Omi asked, looking fascinated.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
"Well, I have to get back now and do my homework. I'll meet you at the library tomorrow Nagi-wagi-chan! Good night."  
  
"Die!"  
  
NEXT DAY  
  
"I made a sketch of what I want to do for my half." Nagi said, pulling a notebook out of his backpack. He handed the book to Omi, and Omi gaped at the very detailed Tim-Burton-Jhonen-Vasquez-Goth hell sketch that he saw.  
  
"Wow. Um…I made a sketch too." Omi said awkwardly, handing Nagi a crumpled napkin with stick figure angels and loopy clouds on it. "But maybe you should…uh…make a more detailed one from it."  
  
"Is that a bunny or a cow?" Nagi asked, tilting the napkin.  
"You're holding it upside down." Omi pouted. "And it's a cloud. I figured we could make them out of cotton balls. I mean, the GSA doesn't have much money. Your sketch looks nice, but we're sorta on a budget."  
  
"Well then it's a good thing I stole Crawford's debit card." Nagi answered.  
  
"I can't use it if it's stolen." Omi objected. "You borrowed it. Why didn't you take his credit card?"  
  
"It was already missing. Anyway, he doesn't keep much in his account so we can't go crazy or anything."  
  
"Is he used to you guys borrowing it?" Omi asked.  
  
"Me and Schuldig mostly. I usually take it to fix my computer, at which point he usually owes me anyway."  
  
"Crawford breaks your computer?" Omi asked in disbelief.  
  
"No. He lets Schu break my computer. It works like this, Schuldig watches Farfarello, Crawford watches Schuldig, Crawford and I watch ourselves. And I watch my computer."  
  
"Apparently no one's doing a very good job." Omi noted.  
  
"Well I have to leave the house for school."  
  
"Your computer's a lap top, isn't it? Couldn't you take it with you? I started doing that with mine after the Sims incident." Omi suggested.  
  
"That would work out well if I wasn't a favored target for harassment what with the entire school thinking I'm a trannie." Nagi said with a scowl. "Even the teachers are picking on me now."  
  
"So…you can't defend your property with your superior mind power?" Omi asked.  
  
"Yohji said you weren't very sarcastic." Nagi said, scowling again.  
  
"Yohji doesn't talk to me that much. Just to tease me about internet porn. I mostly talk to Ken."  
  
"I could not imagine having a conversation with him." Nagi said, wonder in his voice.  
  
"He's really nice. Just…well, he's funny, even if it is unintentional most of the time. I was thinking of asking him to go to the prom with me." Omi murmured, staring into space.  
  
"I thought you weren't coming out to your team? Wouldn't that be a bit of a giveaway?" Nagi asked. Omi shrugged.  
  
"I don't think the others would care. Still…Ken's morals are on the conservative side so I don't know if he'd say yes. I'd just like to. What about you, are you gonna ask anyone?" Omi asked, a knowing smile on his face.  
  
"Oh yes. I'll ask a girl to go to the gay prom with me. That'll work out well." Nagi answered sarcastically.  
  
"Is that it?"  
  
"You know, you're not nearly as dimwitted as I'd thought you were based on what Schuldig ranted about living with you for a week." Nagi noted, some surprise evident in his voice. Schuldig had made Omi out to be a super genki boy-scout-on-a-sugar-high from hell. Omi shrugged.  
  
"That was me with a head injury. So…shall we go shopping for balloons and things?"  
  
"Alright then."  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
Schuldig collapsed onto a bench, cradling his aching skull in his hands. Why had he thought this would be a good idea?  
  
Disneyland was by far the most annoying place he'd ever been. He was sweaty, sun burned and had the worst headache of his life. A thousand little voices were gnawing their way into his head, shrill in their demands for souvenirs, pictures with the characters and just one more ride.  
  
He decided he hated children. He'd never been around so many at once before, and was thankful he'd never had to be. Children had no mental shielding. Whatsoever. All of their thoughts were broadcast. They were like that blond genki assassin when he'd stayed with them, only the park was crawling with them, all at once, and they were all screaming. He probably would have had a headache without his telepathy.  
  
The thoughts were hurting his concentration, and he couldn't find his way out of the park again. He was beginning to crack. Their thoughts were fighting for his own in dominance, and that hadn't happened to him since he'd been a rookie with his power.  
  
"No mommy…I don't want the lemon ice-lolly, I want that one." Schuldig whispered, then slapped at his head to try to loose the thought.  
  
He dove off of the park bench and searched for an exit with renewed vigor.  
  
He found something almost as good. A payphone. His vision blurred as he walked towards it and he felt close to passing out. He paused, leaned over with his hands on his knees and waited it out. He then slumped over to the payphone and leaned against it as he dialed the Schwarz house.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"Where's my wallet?" Crawford yelled, voice echoing through the awkwardly silent apartment. It didn't feel right, but he knew he'd miss the silence when it was replaced with its normal disorder.  
  
"There's nothing in it anymore anyway." Farfarello answered him. He was stretched out on the couch reading a comic book.  
  
"I still want it back. Wait, do you know who has my credit card?" Crawford asked.  
  
"Nagi's got the debit so I think Schuldig has the credit." Farfarello answered. "Why? Didn't you see this coming?"  
  
Crawford's response was drowned out by the phone ringing. He mumbled curses under his breath as he went to answer it. "Yes?"  
  
"Crawford? Oh man you gotta help me! I can't get out…the voices…they're driving me insane!" Schuldig sounded hysterical.  
  
"Calm down. Where are you?"  
  
"Buy it for me mommy! I want the Mickey doll. No, not strained peas I hate strained peas! Tammy gets to have a corndog, you like Tammy more than me!"  
  
"Schuldig where are you?" Crawford repeated.  
  
"I wanna go on the big kid ride too! No Tigger, don't touch me there!"  
  
"Mickey…are you in Disneyland? Schuldig?"  
  
"Can I talk to Schuldig?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"Not right now. Schuldig, are you there?"  
  
"Ooo…it's Cinderella! I want a pretty dress like hers!" Schuldig's voice was about an octave higher and Crawford yanked the receiver away from his ear. He heard Schuldig singing 'A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes', and he heard it get softer and softer as Schu apparently abandoned the pay phone.  
  
"Come on Farfarello. We're going to Disneyland." Crawford grimaced, hanging up the phone.  
  
"How are you planning on paying for the tickets?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"Dammit! We're getting Nagi!" Crawford sputtered.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"So what did you think about Keiichi? He's cute. You could go with him." Omi suggested.  
  
"I'm not going to the prom with a guy." Nagi repeated. "Besides, they're all trying to set us up."  
  
"Yeah, but Keiichi's into you. He wouldn't care." Omi said with a shrug. "Unless you wanted to go with me."  
  
"Not even a little bit." Nagi replied. "Ooo…we should buy some of these cardboard stand-ups. We could put horns or halos on them accordingly."  
  
Omi's eyes lit up. "There's a George W. Bush one. We gotta give it horns."  
  
"Totally." Nagi agreed.  
  
"Nagi!"  
  
"Shit." Nagi whipped around, and immediately spotted Crawford and Farfarello walking towards him. "I didn't take your card! It was Schuldig!"  
  
"I know you have it, and I don't care. We need to get to Disneyland." Crawford answered.  
  
"Disneyland?" Nagi asked, very confused.  
  
"That's where Schuldig is. Oh, if we bring him back now, you're not going to try to kill him again, are you?" Crawford asked.  
  
Nagi rolled his eyes. "No I got that out of my system. We need him for our future plans and all that." He admitted reluctantly. "But you will let me know the minute he's no longer useful, right?"  
  
"I promise. Now give me my debit card and we can pretend this shopping spree never took place."  
  
"But I didn't get my computer fixed yet!" Nagi complained.  
  
"Take that up with Esset as a business expense." Crawford snapped at him.  
  
"Bye Nagi-kun! Have fun at Disneyland!" Omi chirped.  
  
"Bye Omi."  
  
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"Are you sure he was at Disneyland?" Nagi asked, looking around the crowd for any sign of Schuldig. He normally wasn't very good at hiding himself.  
  
"Not positive. But it sounded like he was at Disneyland." Crawford admitted.  
  
"It's too happy here. I don't like it." Farfarello growled, scaring a young family into walking much quicker past the three Schwarz.  
  
"Wait…something came to me." Crawford muttered, walking purposefully towards one of the rides.  
  
"Did you see where he is?" Nagi asked hopefully. The sooner he got out of this place the better. The crowds were making him nervous.  
  
"Yeah. You're going to be very, very happy." Crawford muttered.  
  
He stopped in front of the 'It's a Small World' ride. Nagi and Farfarello grimaced.  
  
"Not there. Don't make me go in there." Farfarello's eye was wide.  
  
"We shouldn't have to." Crawford answered.  
  
They walked over to the side of the ride nearest the exit where one of the carts was emerging, and there sat Schuldig, alone, with his eyes wide and glazed, and completely unblinking. He was singing the 'It's a Small World' song under his breath, and definitely not in his right state of mind.  
  
"Schuldig!" Crawford called to him, but he didn't answer, didn't even turn to look at them.  
  
The cart made to go back into the ride. Farfarello jumped the fence and grabbed Schuldig, picking him up and carrying him over to Nagi and Crawford. Nagi had the widest, most genuine smile on his face Crawford and Farf could ever imagine seeing. In fact, the boy never really smiled genuine smiles at all.  
  
"It's a small world after all…it's a small world after all…it's a small world after all…it's a small…small…world…" Schuldig sang brokenly.  
  
Nagi broke off into an evil cackle.  
  
A/NSo. That was Nagi's hug fic. Things'll be back to normal soon. Bye the way, Chikin abandoned me halfway through writing this chapter to go to bed. Seems she needs eight hours of sleep before going to school. Ah well. Anywho, this isn't working at all like I'd originally planned out the gay prom to go, but I think it's coming out better. Happy something people! - 


	12. His name is Robert Palson

Urgh…I'm having an excessively difficult time writing this fic. This is my third attempt to start off this chapter, which is a shame because I have some real cool stuff planned for this chapter. The opening just sucks ass. So, stick with it, even if it makes your eyes bleed from its crappiness, the end of the chapter will more than make up for the beginning, I promise.

I'm sorry about the budding romance. I just don't have much of an attention span as far as writing goes when there are no couples, so I had to do it eventually. I just wish I had picked a less controversial pairing to start off with. Oy…

And the last bit of news. This arc will be the last for Malarkies and Mayhem. There are just too many chapters and it makes me dizzy when I look at it. So I'll start fresh with a new arc (probably the yuppy arc, that one actually stars Aya, so back to basics with Weiss). I'm not sure what the next story will be called, but I'll make it nice and obvious that it's a continuation of Malarkies and Mayhem. And I'll try to think of a title that's just as nifty as the first one. - Thank you to all of my reviewers, you all make my life that much more interesting.

Nagi was smiling. The rest of Schwarz, particularly Schuldig, found that unnerving. Schuldig tried on many attempts to correct this and send Nagi back into his normal state of near-suicidal-teen-angst mode, but he was still a little shaky from his time at Disney so, alas, every time he tried all Nagi had to do was start humming 'It's a Small World After All' and Schuldig would barricade himself into his room for the next three hours.  
  
His new defense against Schuldig held vast powers over the corners of Nagi's mouth. The fact that he'd come back with an exploitable weakness almost made up for the fact that Schuldig had come back alive and healthy.  
  
Nagi was smiling because he was happy, and he was happy because he had a friend. Having a friend was something new to him, and he was still adjusting to it, but it generally made him more happy than miserable, despite his paranoia.  
  
He and Omi had been working together on the gay prom for about a week. A nagging thought had formed in the back of Nagi's mind, the thought that it would be rather nice to go to the prom with Omi. Then he would squash the thought with his normal pessimism and paranoia. The fates (or fan fiction Goddesses) had taken a break from shitting on him for awhile, this didn't mean they wouldn't start again the minute he got too complacent, and he decided not to push things.  
  
Two days before the prom Nagi did some hard core thinking. He'd accepted his attraction to Omi. The kid was nice, and cute, and male…that last part had seemed like an important factor for awhile but he got over that. He was already in the GSA and just about anyone who knew him thought he was a transgender, so it's not like he could do any more damage to his reputation by being gay. And Omi had flirted with him a little. Called him pretty…and cute.  
  
He was going to do it. He was going to ask Omi to go to the gay prom with him. With his courage still in place and before his brain could catch up with him, he started walking purposefully towards the flower shop, determined to ask Omi as soon as he saw him.  
  
He had a good twenty minute walk to think about things before he got there, and during said walk he did the best he could to keep his brain quiet. He was very relieved when he finally turned the corner that brought him in front of the Koneko.  
  
Omi came rushing out the front door as soon as he saw Nagi, looking absolutely ecstatic to see him. "Nagi! I'm so glad you're here, I need to tell someone, I'm so excited-"  
  
"Calm down then. What's going on?" Nagi asked, confused and amused at his friend's antics.  
  
Omi took a few deep breaths, a smile so wide it almost looked painful on his face. Then he screamed. "I'VE GOT A BOYFRIEND!!!"  
  
"W-what?" Nagi asked, a very forced smile on his face.  
  
"I-asked-Ken-kun-to-go-to-the-prom-with-me, I-mean, I-figured-I-had-nothing-to-lose-anyway, right? So-I-asked-him-and-he-said-he'd-go-and-I-made-sure-he-knew-I-meant-it-was-as-a-date, and-he-was-okay-with-it-cuz-he-said-he-likes-me-a-lot-and…and…isn't that great?!" Omi squeaked happily, now jumping up and down.  
  
"Y-yeah. Great." Nagi's mouth was starting to hurt from how pained the smile was. If Omi hadn't been in 'the guy I like just agreed to go out with me' stupid happy mode, he most likely would have noticed something was off. But he was so he didn't, and instead he kept inadvertently rubbing salt in Nagi's open wound.  
  
"It's gonna be soooo great finally going with a date! Oh, I'm so happy I asked, it's going to be so much fun and I can't wait to tell everyone at the GSA. Ah! I have a boyfriend, I have a boyfriend, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!" Omi danced around happily. A few of his admirers from the flower shop looked a little upset, but there seemed to be quite a few more who looked excited about it (that's right, the yaoi groupies).  
  
"I just remembered I have to…leave now…for…stuff. See you later Omi." Nagi said awkwardly.  
  
"Bye bye Nagi! See you tomorrow! Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend-" Omi chanted happily under his breath as he returned to the flower shop.  
  
Nagi walked numbly back to the apartment building, up the six flights of stairs, past the living room where Schuldig was waiting for him, a determined yet evil look on his face. Nagi ignored him and continued straight to his room where he slammed the door and curled up in a fetal position on his bed.  
  
Schuldig burst into his room anyway, looking triumphant.  
  
"You think you can beat me this time, huh Naoe? Well I've had Farfarello singing 'It's a Small World After All' to me all morning, and I can handle it now. You have no weapon." Schuldig laughed gleefully, before pulling a data CD out of a jacket pocket. "This Nagi, is every file on your laptop. I deleted them all after saving them to this CD and threw out all of your back ups." He walked over to Nagi's window and opened it, then dangled the CD out the window.  
  
"That nice." Nagi's voice was very quiet, and didn't sound normal somehow.  
  
Schuldig stared in horror as Nagi burst into tears, sobbing loudly as he hugged his knees. He panicked, never having pushed Nagi that far before, he didn't know what to do.  
  
"Nagi? Oh shit, calm down, I wasn't really gonna drop it! I mean, I was, but I won't now! Why are you crying?"  
  
Nagi let out another loud sob. "Wa-a-a-h…I hate my life! I want to die!"  
  
"Look, calm down. Sing 'It's a Small World'. It'll still freak me out, I promise! Or…or…smash me into a wall or something. Just stop crying!" Schuldig pleaded.  
  
"I c-c-can't! I-I wanna die! I'm gonna d-die alone! No one loves me!"  
  
"Did something happen?" Schuldig asked, as this was decidedly not the result of his CD game. 'No one loves me'… "With that Weiss kid?"  
  
The mention of Omi sent Nagi into an even louder and more violent fit of sobs as he began rocking back and forth in his fetal position. Schuldig stared in horror, not sure of what to do, when Nagi calmed a bit and continued sobbing out information. "I w-went over to a-ask him out t-t-to the p-prom and he…he…he has a boyfriend already!" Nagi practically screamed, burying his face in his hands.  
  
"Who?" Schuldig asked, dumbfounded.  
  
"That idiot Hidaka!" Nagi answered, before breaking off into a coughing fit. He sounded like he was close to dry heaving. Schuldig very lamely pat his back.  
  
"You gotta calm down kid, or you're going to make yourself sick. Listen, when people are that young, well…they're relationships don't last very long. You can always swoop in and catch him on the rebound." Schuldig said gently.  
  
"I want him to l-like me! I don't wanna c-catch him on the rebound!" Nagi yelled. "I don't w-want him to l-like Hidaka more than me!" Nagi wailed.  
  
"Well…just…stay here and cry and don't kill yourself. I gotta…go." Schuldig left the room, not even entirely sure Nagi'd noticed him all that much anyway, and walked down the hall to Farf's room.  
  
"Farf, do you have your knives?"  
  
"What kind of stupid question is that?" Farfarello responded, opening the door. He had one of his knives sticking through the palm of his left hand.  
  
"Right. Bandage that up and meet me by the car." Schuldig replied, turning towards his own room to find his gun. "Oh, and bring an elastic band."  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
Ken smiled dazedly as he kicked a ball around the park. He was in a state of warm-gooey-stupid-happiness similar to Omi's, but he was being a lot less vocal about it. He'd started liking Omi a few months back, but he never figured Omi would like him back. He thought that he was the only gay member of Weiss, and he didn't really think he was lucky enough for the one guy that he liked to be gay too.  
  
Ken was contemplating sending the kids home from soccer practice early. He wasn't really focused enough to be coaching them anyway. He kept glancing at his watch. As soon as the Koneko closed, he and Omi were going to go get dinner and see a movie together. He was about to call the kids in and tell them practice was over.  
  
Then he heard tires screeching behind him.  
  
He whipped around and spotted Farfarello and Schuldig hopping out of their car and heading towards him.  
  
"Whatever you're doing leave the kids out of it." Ken growled at them.  
  
"Kids? Oh, are they with you?" Schuldig responded, which got him an elbow in the ribs from Farfarello.  
  
"Just come with us Siberian and we'll leave the children alone." Farfarello said quickly.  
  
"Yeah. What he said." Schuldig agreed.  
  
So a few minutes later Ken was in the backseat of their car, nervous and confused, as Schuldig drove to a part of town he didn't know very well. They stopped on a random side street, and yanked Ken out of the car. They pushed him down one of those convenient dark and empty dead ended alleys and threw him onto the ground.  
  
Ken climbed to his feet quickly, and made to punch Schuldig, who easily dodged it, while Farfarello punched Ken in the gut. Ken hunched over, and Farf was about to stab him when Schuldig grabbed his arm.  
  
_**We're not allowed to leave any marks on him.**_  
  
_**Sorry. I forgot. Can I threaten him with the knife?**_  
  
_**Oh hell yes. We're trying to scare him. Make him wet himself Farfie.**_

_**Don't call me that.  
**_  
Farfarello held his knife up to Ken's throat. Ken froze, while Schuldig paced lazily in front of him.  
  
"So I hear you've started seeing the Bombay kitten?" Schuldig finally asked.  
  
"What business of yours is that?" Ken demanded.  
  
"Plenty. You need to break it off with him." Schuldig responded, stopping in front of Ken.  
  
'Oh God. Even our personal lives are intricately tied to Schwarz's evil schemes' Ken thought in a panic, and Schuldig had to try very hard not to laugh when he picked up that thought.  
  
'Alright, let him think that.' Schuldig decided to himself.  
  
"I'm not gonna break up with Omi because you told me to. You can kill me if you want. I love him and I'm not gonna stop seeing him." Ken said bravely, looking Schu in the eye.  
  
"That's very sweet. But we have no intention of killing you." Schuldig said slowly. "Farf? Did you bring the rubber band?"  
  
"All I could find was this." Farfarello responded, pulling a pink scrunchy out of his pocket.  
  
_**That's hardly very intimidating. Why do you even have a scrunchy?**_ Schu snapped furiously at him.  
  
_**I found it in your room. The question is why do you have one?**_  
  
_**For my pretty hair of course. Urgh…it'll have to do.  
**_  
"Alright Ken-Ken. We're going to pay tribute to one of my favorite movies now. Have you ever seen Fight Club?" Schuldig asked. Ken shook his head. "Okay. We're going to make you choose between Omi or your balls."  
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"Ken! I'm so happy to see you! I kept feeling like closing time would never come!" Omi squealed happily, throwing off his apron as he ran to hug his boyfriend. Then he noticed that Ken looked a little pale and flustered. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Oh God Omi, I just had the weirdest thing in my life happen and I need to tell you-"  
  
_**You know Hidaka, we can still take your balls.**_  
  
"That I'm breaking up with you and I never really loved you." Ken said quickly.  
  
Omi jumped back as though he'd been slapped. "Wh-what?"  
  
"You're more like a little brother to me and I don't know what I was thinking but we can't be together. Sorry."  
  
Omi ran crying up to his room, while Ken slumped to the floor in a heap.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"You know that was really almost sweet, what you did."  
  
"Shut up. It was not."  
  
"Really, it was."  
  
"There were selfish motives."  
  
"I couldn't see any."  
  
"Listen Crawford, if I say there were selfish motives, then there were selfish motives!"  
  
"…"  
  
"…"  
  
"What were those selfish motives Schuldig?"  
  
"Well…he was no fun to torture when his spirit was broken!"  
  
"Alright then. That can be your reason."  
  
"It is the reason!"  
  
"…"  
  
"…"  
  
"It was still nice what you did."  
  
"Gah!"  
  
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The next day at school Omi ran sobbing up to Nagi and explained how Ken had mysteriously dumped him completely out of the blue. Stunned, Nagi held his sobbing friend and tried his best to comfort him, meanwhile plotting in the back of his head how soon he should try pick Omi up on the rebound.  
  
A/N And I promise the next chapter will contain the actual prom! BTW, as of right now it's planned that Omi and Nagi are going to be there, Schuldig will most likely drop by to spy and cause a little mayhem and I'm not really sure if anyone else should show up, though I've been throwing around the idea with my friends that Yohji could pop by. Well…review and make me happy people! Pleasant something!


	13. The oh so very end not really

A/N Welcome to the last installment of Malarkies and Mayhem. Which doesn't mean much. I'm starting in with a sequel really, really soon. This chapter's on the long side, so we're just going off with a bang. Chikin helped me for most of it, but I crafted the end myself. The very end. Like the last two pages or whatever, if that. We're both very proud of this chapter, which usually means that no one else will like it, and this one is excessively fluffy and cute. But I really, really like it so I think you will too. I promise it's still funny! Uh…maybe I should stop now.  
Thank you for reading and please review! -  
  
'This isn't going to end well. My life is hell.' Nagi thought bitterly.  
  
They were seated on the carpet in the living room of the Schwarz apartment making last minute plans for the prom the next night. Omi had wanted help working on his outfit as well, having noticed enough of Nagi's underhanded remarks and gathered from the underhanded remarks of all that some of his outfit choices were a bit…extreme. And he wanted to look damn good heading off to the prom out of bitterness towards Ken. Who wasn't going to be there, but dammit, he would make quite the exit from the Koneko! And possibly pick up a date on the rebound and try to bring out feelings of jealousy in Ken…plot-plot-plot…  
  
At any rate, Nagi had tried to dissuade Omi from coming home with him, had tried to go instead to his house, but Omi just wasn't all that intimidated by Schwarz anymore, what with living there for a week and hearing Nagi bitch about his day to day life. So Nagi was very tense, waiting for his roommates to do something to embarrass him in front of the guy he liked. If only he hadn't had that sobbing breakdown in front of Schuldig.  
  
"So…silver pipe cleaner halos are tacky, right?" Omi asked.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What if they glow from rice lights?" Omi held up a package of tiny white lights he'd bought earlier. Nagi smacked a hand to his face.  
  
"You'd look like a blinking neon sign outside a liquor store or something!"  
  
"That's a bad thing, right?" Omi clarified.  
  
"Well…you're learning. Okay, if you're going to do a halo then…I don't think there's any way for it not to look tacky." Nagi muttered.  
  
"If you got pipe cleaners that matched your hair and braided it through with white feathers it would look like a halo and not tacky." Farfarello called out helpfully from the kitchen.  
  
Nagi turned the most confused look towards the kitchen. "Was that just Farfarello with hair advice? About looking like an angel?!"  
  
"Well to hate the bible he must know a lot about it." Omi noted.  
  
"I went through seven years of CCD before I snapped, thank you very much! We did angels at every nativity play!" Farfarello called out. "I was always an angel because of my pigment condition."  
  
"Right. So we've got your hair down." Nagi interrupted.  
  
"Can I use glitter?" Omi asked eagerly.  
  
"Sparingly. In fact, I think, given how happy about that you look, not at all." Nagi decided.  
  
"But angels should glitter…" Omi looked disappointed.  
  
"But glitter is tacky when applied wrong…or too much. You'd use too much. Anyway, I think you should stay away from makeup-"  
  
"It's the _gay_ prom Nagi."  
  
"Fine. But don't apply it yourself."  
  
"You have no faith in me, do you?" Omi sniffed.  
  
"Well…you told me to be honest. Painfully so if necessary."  
  
"I just wanna look hot dammit, it shouldn't be so hard!"  
  
_**Nagi, rule one of dating. You really need to start lying to him.  
**_  
_**What?**_ Nagi asked, surprised Schuldig was paying attention to their conversation. Then it occurred to him that he was probably going to start feeding him faulty advice to muck things up.  
  
_**No! I'm trying to help you you little- …shut up Farf, I'm being productive! …No not counterproductive! …Yes I think our counters are a hideous shade of green-what do you mean my coat matches?! I'm not talking about that now, leave me alone! Anyway, Nagi, lying is the cornerstone of any lasting relationship.  
**_  
_**Right. Stay out of my head please. It's a small world after all…it's a small world-**_  
  
_**That doesn't work anymore! I told you!**_  
  
_**It's a small, small, world…  
  
Alright I'm leaving!**_  
  
A line popped into Nagi's head, but he didn't really think it would work. 'Ah what the hell…'  
  
"I don't think you need to worry so much about looking hot. I mean, you're already…pretty…" He couldn't finish it, but Omi got the gist of it and hugged him.  
  
"Thank you Nagi-Wagi-Chan! That's very sweet! I feel better." He let go of Nagi and his lower lip started trembling. "But I wish Ken-kun thought I was hot!"  
  
"Well…he's dumb." Nagi snapped.  
  
"I know! And he still doesn't like me!" Omi wailed. "I was really l-looking forward to g-going with a date, and not stag for once! I was gonna ha-have a date!"  
  
"Well I mean we could go…together. I mean, if you wanted." Nagi offered, hoping he didn't sound too desperate.  
  
_**You're practically begging kid.  
**_  
_**Shut up.  
**_  
"That's really nice Nagi. I'd love to go with you. It's just…I can't help still being a little disappointed. I've never gone to a dance as a couple before, this was gonna be my first time. And now I have to go as friends…"  
  
_**Ouch.**_ Schuldig sympathized.  
  
_**Burn.**_ Farfarello agreed.  
  
_**Get out of my head! Stop listening in! You're not helping!**_  
  
**_Oh, do you want me to talk to Omi instead?  
  
Never mind. You can stay._**  
  
"What are you going to wear to the dance?" Omi asked.  
  
"Oh…um, I'm gonna work on it later tonight." Nagi answered quickly. "We're working on you right now. So…um…did we completely scrap the wings idea?"  
  
"Yeah. Because I would have to make them myself."  
  
"Right. And they'd come out like crap."  
  
"That was mean." Omi pouted. Very cutely.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"You're acting funny tonight Nagi.You never apologized for being mean before." Omi noted.  
  
"Funny? I'm not acting funny." Nagi denied, very quickly, and blushing a bit. "Funny how?"  
  
_**There you see him…sitting there across the way…**_  
  
Nagi jumped as he heard Schuldig's voice in his head, doing a horrible impersonation of a Jamaican accent. Which really didn't work with his nasal German.  
  
_**He don't got a lot to say but there's something about him…**  
_  
_**What the fuck are you doing Schu?**_ Nagi growled.  
  
"Nagi, are you okay?" Omi asked, looking concerned. Nagi had jumped just then, and looked almost frightened.  
  
"I'm fine." Nagi answered, in a high pitched voice. His eyes kept darting towards the kitchen.  
  
_**And you don't know why but you're dying to try you want to kiss the…chibi…**_  
  
Nagi was now blushing furiously and picturing several slow and painful deaths for Schuldig.  
  
"Nagi, you really don't look good. Your face is all red. Do you have a fever?" Omi asked. He touched a hand to Nagi's forehead, and Nagi pulled back quickly.  
  
"No, I'm good. Really. Fine. Perfectly."  
  
_**Yes you want him…look at him you know you do…Possible he wants you too, there is one way to ask him…It don't take a word, not a single word, go on and kiss the chibi.  
  
Hey Farf-  
  
Yeah?  
  
Sing wit me now.  
  
I already am.  
  
Alright then.**_  
  
"Okay. Um…well I wanted to thank you…you know, for, uh, dealing with me while I'm all weird over the break up. I know I haven't really been much fun to be around-"  
  
"No, it's okay. I don't mind." Nagi said quickly. "That's what friends are for." 'Oh God I sound like a hallmark card. I wonder if there are hallmark cards for -I'm sorry for your loss but I really want in your pants-'  
  
So of course, on cue, Farf and Schuldig began singing again.  
  
_**Sha la la la la la my oh my, look like the boy too shy, he gonna miss the chibi- Farf we need to find another word, something that rhymes better than chibi. What rhymes with girl?**_  
  
_**Boil?  
  
That doesn't even rhyme! Come on, what sounds like girl and means Omi?  
  
Um…**_  
  
_**Just stop it!**_ Nagi pleaded. "You're making me look insane!"  
  
"Nagi?" Omi looked a little hurt.  
  
"Not you! Um…I didn't mean to say that out loud."  
  
"Oh right. I keep forgetting about the evil telepath. How long has he been harassing you? Since I got here?" Omi asked.  
  
"Uh…pretty much."  
  
"What's he been saying?"  
  
"Torching my laptop. And killing babies." Nagi lied quickly.  
  
In the kitchen, Schuldig scowled. "Killing babies indeed. You know, I was trying to help the kid. Come on Farf, let's mortify him."  
  
"I thought you wanted him to hook up with Omi." Farfarello objected weakly.  
  
"Yeah. But now I want to embarrass him. Come on."  
  
Schu and Farf got up, and walked over to the doorway where Nagi and Omi would definitely be able to hear them, even without telepathic projection.  
  
"Pick it up from the last chorus Farf."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Sha la la la la la, look like the boy too shy, ain't gonna kiss the chibi. Sha la la la la la ain't that sad, ain't it a shame, too bad, he gonna miss the chibi-"  
  
"What are they singing?" Omi scrunched his face up in concentration, while Nagi went into blind panic mode. "Is that English? My English sucks."  
  
Nagi let out a huge sigh of relief. Then it occurred to him that Omi might still be able to pick up the tune and figure it out. Maybe he'd never seen the Little Mermaid before. Oh with their age bracket like there was a chance in hell of that.  
  
"Now's your moment, floating in a blue lagoon, boy you better do it soon, no time will be better. (Ya Ya Ya Ya) He don't say a word and he won't say a word until you kiss the chibi-"  
  
"I'm gonna kill you both!" Nagi finally screamed, deciding to ditch subtlety, and finally jumping to his feet and giving chase to them, while Omi was seized with an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Schu and Farf continued to sing, even while dodging the projectiles Nagi was flinging at them.  
  
"Sha la la la la la, don't be scared, you got the mood prepared (Whuan whuan whuan whuan whuan **1**), go on and kiss the chibi. (Whoa whoa) Sha la la la la la, don't stop now, don't try to hide it how, you want to kiss the chibi. (Whoa whoa)"  
  
Crawford poked his head out of the room at the sound of glass breaking against the wall. "What the hell is going on out here?" No one answered him, instead Nagi blocked off the hallway with the fridge as butcher knives advanced on Schuldig and Farfarello. "Nagi you're still not allowed to kill them yet! I can't believe we're even at _them_, it was just Schuldig a few days ago."  
  
"But Crawford-"  
  
On cue, Schu and Farf began singing again.  
  
"Sha la la la la la, float along and listen to the song, the song say kiss the chibi. (whoa whoa)."  
  
Crawford looked vaguely disturbed. Then he caught sight of Omi in the living room, who gave him a little wave. "Never mind. They deserve what they get." With that he retreated back into his room.  
  
While Nagi was distracted with Crawford, Schu and Farf had jumped the fridge and the knives were now stuck in the fridge door. They had a shield as they finished out the song. And a need to go out and buy a new refrigerator.  
  
"Sha la la la la, the music play, do what the music say, you got to kiss the chibi. You've got to kiss the chibi. You wanna kiss the chibi. You've gotta kiss the chibi. Go on and kiss the chibi."  
  
"You guys should check how much ice is in the freezer because the black market's gaining some new organs tonight!" Nagi screamed. Snickering, they retreated into Schuldig's room.  
  
**_Seriously though Nagi, take our advice. Make a move.  
  
Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test.  
  
That's really enough Farf._**  
  
_**But it's addictive! Things need to rhyme. There should be more occasions for people to randomly burst into song.**_  
  
Nagi walked back into the living room, face bright red, more embarrassed then he'd been since…well since Schu had called him out saying he'd had a sex change surgery. God, that was only a week ago.  
  
"You know, Farfarello has a surprisingly nice singing voice." Omi commented. "I just wish I knew what they were singing."  
  
"Y-yeah, interesting that. So, um…I think you should probably go now because…it's far too unstable here." Nagi decided. "Someone might die. Most likely one of them. Tonight. From an imploded skull."  
  
"It does sound unstable here. Want to go out and get something to eat?" Omi asked.  
  
"Sure."  
  
(**1** ie Interspersed with Farf making the Skuttle noises, and yes, we assume you know what we're talking about)  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"So Farfarello…why exactly do you know the words to Kiss the Girl?" Crawford asked curiously. Farf looked defensive. "I mean, I can understand where Schuldig might have picked them up at-"  
  
"Do not mention that place!" Schu interrupted. "It's from the Dark Time."  
  
"Mickey Mouse is a false idol." Farfarello muttered.  
  
"Come again?" Crawford looked amused.  
  
"The devotion and worship of Mickey Mouse distracts from worship of God, thus the mouse is a false idol. It breaks one of the ten commandments. Therefore, indulging in Disney products hurts God." Farfarello explained.  
  
"You know, that actually makes sense…" Crawford said.  
  
"Yeah. Too bad it's bullshit." Schuldig said. "The Little Mermaid was the first movie Farf saw in theatres, and it was his favorite flick when he was six. He's got the whole thing memorized."  
  
"I do not." Farf denied.  
  
"Oh yeah? Hey Farf…what would her father say?"  
  
"I'll tell you what her father'd say. He'd say he's gonna kill himself a crab, that's what her father'd say!" Farf exclaimed, before slapping a hand over his mouth. "You promised you wouldn't tell anyone Schuldig!"  
  
"Yeah well…it couldn't be helped." Schuldig answered, snorting.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"How the mighty have fallen."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Aren't you here to ask a favor?"  
  
"…"  
  
"After hurling the contents of the kitchen at me with your mind, not to mention all of our knives?"  
  
"Oh like you would have minded if I'd gotten you a little cut up." Nagi snapped.  
  
"I mind that all of our kitchen knives are stuck in the walls!" Crawford called from the other room.  
  
"So…you want to borrow clothes?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"Yes. I want to borrow clothes." Nagi admitted. Farf waved Nagi into his room, where a few outfit choices were already laid out on his bed. Nagi quirked an eyebrow.  
  
"I figured you'd seek out my help in demon clothing." Farfarello explained.  
  
"Right. You know, it's not winter. I don't think I need that many layers. Or long sleeves." Nagi objected.  
  
"Demons…cover up. They…don't show much skin." Farf muttered, fairly unconvincingly.  
  
"Right."  
  
"They don't show off fourteen year old jail bait booty!" Farf objected.  
  
"And then they don't seduce sixteen year old jail bait angels on the rebound!" Nagi shot back.  
  
"Alright. But you're not wearing any of the leather pants. That's just wrong."  
  
"I'm not a big fan of leather anyway."  
  
"What about leather chokers?"  
  
Nagi shrugged. "I can take it or leave it. Do you have any shoes? All I have are my uniform ones."  
  
"Okay…what were you looking for in shoes?" Farf asked.  
  
"Uh…black boots, I guess."  
  
"Buckles or no buckles?"

"Uh-"  
  
"Snaps, or no snaps? Zippers? Laces that work or are just for show? Pleather, leather, man made materials, with pockets for concealed weapons? I suggest the concealed weapon pocket, by the way. Steel toed? Heels? Platforms? Ooo…I just got these online from Canada! When you click your heels together knives shoot out of the toes!"  
  
"That's…alright. I don't want to skewer my dance partner."  
  
"Right, that was stupid of me. Why don't you try these? Go up right below the knee, although that might be detrimental to footsie. Not that you should be engaging in footsie anyway! Right, the knee boots will work."  
  
"Are they comfortable?" Nagi asked lamely.  
  
Farf laughed, and it was scarier. "Any pretty footwear is as a rule uncomfortable. But I load all mine up with Doctor Scholls."  
  
"Pretty?" Nagi repeated.  
  
"Anyway, the shoes aren't a big deal. They just need to match whatever else you're wearing, and all of my clothes pretty much go together anyway. Black goes with black. All I usually need to worry about it whether I'm putting pants or a shirt over my head. So, to pants. I see you as a baggy and covered up kinda kid."  
  
"No!" Nagi objected. "You're not pruding me up!"  
  
Farfarello scowled. "I promised Crawford I wouldn't send you out looking like a hussie."  
  
"Well can I look hot and tasteful at the same time?" Nagi asked.  
  
"With my closet…" Farfarello inspected his clothes again, noting the large amount of fetish gear he'd accumulated over the years. "This is going to be a challenge. But I like challenges…let's clean out some bloodstains! I'll get the toothbrushes, you get the club soda!"  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"Are we letting him go out like that?" Crawford asked.  
  
"He doesn't look like a hussie." Farfarello said defensively.  
  
"I know how to handle this." Schuldig interrupted. "Nagi. You have to wear a trench coat out."  
  
"But it's springtime! What is your obsession with making it winter?" Nagi demanded.  
  
"You are wearing this coat so you will not be mugg-ed or rape-ed." Schuldig argued.  
  
"Well I don't want to wear your hideous green coat. And do you really think anyone could mug or rape me?"  
  
"Yes." All three of them said quickly.  
  
"Hey, if someone came up behind you and smashed you over the back of the head, you'd be gone!" Schuldig exclaimed.  
  
"Remember the rules we talked about. If you get a drink and walk away from it, throw it out. You don't know what someone could put in it." Crawford instructed.  
  
"It's in a church basement! I don't think I have to worry about roofies!" Nagi whined.  
  
"So who's chaperoning this event?" Crawford asked.  
  
"What do you mean chaperoning?" Nagi replied.  
  
"So there's no adult supervision?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"Uh…I dunno. I was only on the decorating committee."  
  
"I think we should accompany him to the church." Schuldig suggested.  
  
"I don't think that's such a good idea." Farfarello objected.  
  
"No, no, no! Leave me alone! I'm leaving now!" There was an awkward pause. "Can someone give me a ride to Omi's?"  
  
"I'll do it." Schu volunteered.  
  
"Crawford, can you give me a ride to Omi's?" Nagi clarified.  
  
"Schu will do it." Crawford answered.  
  
"Great." Nagi muttered lamely, while Schuldig pushed him out the door and grabbed a black trench coat from Farf.  
  
"Our little chibi's growing up." Farf sniffed.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
'Okay, I'm not supposed to do my own makeup.' Omi thought to himself. He'd successfully dressed himself, and he didn't look half bad. But he still needed to do hair and makeup. And he needed to seek out aid. 'Right, not Ken…Yohji?'  
  
And at that moment Yohji walked through the room wearing an outfit to put all his others to shame (we'll let you select your own personal favorite abysmal Yohji outfit…audience participation, yeah, they'll buy that. You weren't supposed to type that! Shit. -A/N)  
  
'Right. Um…Momoe? No, shaky hands. That leaves…Aya?'  
  
Very reluctantly, Omi made his way over to Aya's room. Aya was taking a nap, and Omi was left with the unpleasant task of waking him up. He had a blanket draped over him, and because of last Christmas, Omi knew that Aya slept naked. ('Can we open presents yet? Ah!' 'Omi get out of here!') He very gently shook Aya's shoulder.  
  
"Huh? Takatori…(snort) urn…shi-ne?" Aya muttered groggily. "Omi?"  
  
"First, are you wearing clothes?"  
  
"Yes. It's only six fifteen. I'm not in for the night."  
  
"Good. Can you help me get ready for the dance?" Omi asked.  
  
"You're going to a dance?"  
  
"Uh…yeah. And I need help with hair and makeup."  
  
"Why are you asking me?"  
  
"Go through my other options for a minute."  
  
Aya thought. "What about Momoe?"  
  
"Shaky hands." Omi explained.  
  
"Manx?"  
  
"Manx."  
  
"Good point. Alright. What do you want me to do?" Aya asked.  
  
"Hair and makeup." Omi answered.  
  
"Makeup?" Pause. "Gay prom?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"What's the theme?"  
  
"Heaven and Hell. I'm going as an angel."  
  
"Well that's predictable enough. Alright, I've got some white glitter eye shadow-"  
  
"I've been warned about using glitter." Omi interrupted, vaguely curious about why Aya had his own makeup supplies.  
  
Aya shot him one of his mild glares. "I know what I'm doing. I'm just going to put a little of it on your cheeks and on the edge of your eyes. Hmm…vanilla lip gloss, I think. Did you already have ideas for your hair?"  
  
"Yeah." Omi clumsily explained the halo idea Farf had suggested.  
  
"Do you have feathers?" Aya asked.  
  
"I have a feather pillow."  
  
"That won't really work. Let's raid the flower shop."  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
Schuldig pulled up in front of the Koneko. Nagi got out of the car and waited for Schuldig to drive away. And waited.  
  
"You can leave now." He hissed.  
  
"I could. Or I could stay here and watch. Hey, did you get Omi one of those boutonnière things? Or would you get a flamer like that a corsage?"  
  
"I didn't get him any flowers. Besides, we're going as 'friends'." Nagi spat.  
  
"Yeah, well you can be going as dates by the end of the night if you play your cards right." Schuldig noted.  
  
"If you sing any more Disney songs in my head I'll castrate you."  
  
_**Nagi…(ba bum bum bum) you'll be a woman soon…**_  
  
Nagi turned his back to Schu and walked up to the door. He knocked on the door and waited for Omi, mildly curious to see if Omi was going to be as fussed over as he had been.  
  
Ken opened the door, looked past Nagi and saw Schuldig sitting in his car, who waved merrily. Ken paled and slammed the door in Nagi's face. Nagi turned a suspicious glare back to Schuldig, while the door was opened again, this time by Yohji.  
  
"Come on in. Omi's not ready yet."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Nagi stood awkwardly in the flower shop part of the building, Yohji regarding him with a mild amount of suspicion, and Ken staring out the windows in a paranoid fashion.  
  
"So…how are you two getting to the dance?" Yohji asked.  
  
"Omi's scooter thing." Nagi answered.  
  
"What time does it end?"  
  
"Uh…eleven I think."  
  
"And what time will you be in?" Yohji asked.  
  
"Tonight? I dunno. I don't think we're going anywhere after." Nagi answered.  
  
"That's right. You're not. You're both going home after the dance." Ken jumped in, then continued searching the room for some sort of intruder. "Were those daffodils always there?"  
  
"Yes." Yohji responded. "What's with you tonight? You've been on edge."  
  
"I like my balls." Ken whimpered.  
  
"That was…(cough) not high on my list of things I needed…to know about…Ken." Yohji said awkwardly.  
  
Aya walked out then, a few bobby pins in his mouth, a can of hairspray in one hand and a bottle of mousse in the other. He had a few pipe cleaners sticking out of one of his pockets. He spit the bobby pins into his hand and attempted to take up a menacing looking post against the wall, glaring at Nagi.  
  
And Omi walked out, with a lovely little halo made of braided hair, non-visible placed pipe cleaners and baby's breath.  
  
"Ken-kun, are you crying?" Omi asked with a frown.  
  
"You look…nice." Ken sniffled, and then let out another sob. "I don't like you! Stay away from me!" He ran from the room.  
  
Nagi shot a look out the window at the red car parked across the street and began to wonder about Hidaka's actions…  
  
"Wow Nagi-wagi-chan, you look really good!" Omi chirped happily. Nagi tried to fight off a blush, a small smile on his face.  
  
"Thanks. So do you."  
  
"Aw…you two are frickin' cute. Be in before midnight or we'll bury you in the backyard. Have fun Omi." Yohji said. He followed them to the door to see them off, when he caught sight of the red car and the occupant. 'What is Schuldig doing tailing them…? I thought his goal in life was to make Nagi miserable…OMI!!'  
  
"Aya…I'm heading out for a bit."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"Okay, see you later!"  
  
"Try not to die."  
  
"Wow. That's one of the sweetest things you've ever said to me!"  
  
"Get off of me slut!"  
  
"I love you too!"  
  
"Shi-ne!"  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"This music sucks."  
  
"It's a prom Nagi, the music has to suck."  
  
"Well…I'm still gonna complain." Nagi pouted.  
  
"Right. You've been complaining…all night. Can we dance?" Omi asked…again.  
  
"We've only been here for a half hour." Nagi noted. "What's your rush?"  
  
Nagi had overlooked one detail when he'd decided to go to the dance with Omi. The fact that he didn't know how to dance and very likely detested the entire situation. They were seated in folding chairs on the side of the dance floor. Omi was kicking his feet anxiously.  
  
"Come on…I wanna dance…it's fun."  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
"I want to dance with you!"  
  
"Uh…I don't like this song." Nagi said.  
  
"You don't like any of the songs!" Omi whined.  
  
"Well if they play I song that I like I'll dance with you."  
  
"Okay, I'll go request a song. What songs do you like?" Omi asked.  
  
"I listen to classical mostly. Do you think they'd have Motzart's Requiem?" Nagi asked brightly. Omi frowned.  
  
"Probably not. But I'll go ask."  
  
Nagi watched Omi walk across the room, getting watched lewdly by several of the other kids at the dance, which made Nagi growl possessively. Omi had a short conversation with the DJ, which ended with the DJ doubled over with laughter, Omi frowning and stalking away angrily. Before he made it back over to Nagi he was stopped by some kid Nagi had never seen before wearing tacky red sequined horns.  
  
The kid talked with Omi for a few minutes and then Omi walked back over to Nagi. "Would it be okay with you if I danced with some of the other kids? I mean, we're here as friends, right?"  
  
Nagi grimaced. "Yeah. Have fun."  
  
"Thank you! Come and get me if you want to dance though."  
  
And with that Omi found red sequined horn kid and they began dancing. Nagi slumped over in his chair and stared at his feet.  
  
OUTSIDE  
  
"What's going on now?"  
  
"I can't really tell. Get me up a little higher."  
  
"I thought this was supposed to be in a frickin' basement."  
  
"Yeah well they lied."  
  
Schuldig and Yohji had bumped into each other in the parking lot and were now hovering between the cement steps and the dumpster, Schuldig on Yohji's back trying to spy through a grimy window. The dance was on the first floor, where the church held day care and the occasional social event. They'd double booked and there was an AA meeting in the actual basement.  
  
"Can you see anything now?" Yohji asked.  
  
"Yeah. Nagi's alone. His head's down…fuck. He'd better not be crying."  
  
'Wow…that's kinda sweet that he cares like that.' Yohji thought.  
  
"What a wuss! I think he is crying."

'Scratch that.'  
  
"Where's Omi?" Yohji asked.  
  
"He's in the middle of the dance floor being humped by some kid in sequined horns."  
  
"What?!" Yohji yelped.  
  
"What's that dancing thing that's really dry sex?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"Grinding?"  
  
"Yeah, they're grinding. Well…Omi said they were going as friends."  
  
"But he doesn't actually want to be going as friends!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"He was bitching about it to me the other night. He liked Ken and Nagi, and since Ken dumped him he was determined to make things work with Nagi. He was worried about Nagi thinking he was using him as a rebound guy. And about mucking things up since Ken dumped him out of the blue. About that…"  
  
"What about that? Are you insinuating something?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"No, nothing." Pause. "Yes. What did you do to Ken?"  
  
"We did nothing to Ken."  
  
"What did you _threaten_ to do to Ken?"  
  
"You know, you're really much smarter than you look."  
  
"Is that a compliment?"  
  
"You tell me cowboy." Schuldig replied.  
  
"I'm dropping you now, you're heavy."  
  
"Fuck you, I'm not heavy."  
  
"Yeah. Well I'd cut back on the Fruity Pebbles." Yohji replied.  
  
"How do you know about the Fruity Pebbles?!" Schuldig demanded.  
  
"Nagi told me. He did live with us for about a week." Yohji answered. "So…what are we going to do about them?"  
  
"Why is it our responsibility? I've been bending over backwards for these kids, they're going to have to do something themselves. I'm sick of this."  
  
"Don't be such a fucking baby."  
  
"Don't call me a baby!"  
  
And then the answer came as the DJ started a long set and went out back for a cigarette break. He happened to exit out the cement steps Yohji and Schu were next to. Wicked grins crossed their faces.  
  
Schuldig tapped the DJ on his back. He spun around and was met with the sight of a fist.  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
Schuldig dug through the DJ's CDs, looking anxiously for something that didn't suck. "J-pop, J-pop, J-pop…crap…crap… God damn your culture sucks at music."  
  
"Oh and yours is better? You're German, right?"  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Back on track. We only have three minutes before this song ends and we have dead air. Can you find anything that'll get Nagi out on the floor?" Yohji asked.  
  
"I dunno what the kid likes!"  
  
"Wait. Put on a slow song. Maybe Omi will ask him to dance. And he might say yes because they're easier to dance to. Does Nagi know how to dance?"  
  
"Hell no." Schuldig snapped, recalling an undercover mission involving a child's talent show and a lot of work with his telepathic manipulation.  
  
"Well that's it then. Put on a slow song."  
  
"There are no slow songs! It's all really happy J-pop."  
  
"Move out of the way." Yohji practically knocked Schuldig over skimming through the CDs. "Here we go. Track three."  
  
Schuldig popped the mystery disc into the CD player just in time.  
  
Savage Garden's Truly Madly Deeply started playing, and the impact of the first slow song of the night was immediate. Where there had been clumps of kids dancing together turned into couples, and the chairs set up on the sides of the room started to fill with third wheels and kids who were going 'as friends'. Omi stood awkwardly on the edge of the dance floor, wondering if it was worth it to ask Nagi to dance.  
  
Nagi didn't even notice the change in music tempo, lost in a fit of brooding teen angst and self pity.  
  
"This had better work. Or they're both too dumb to deserve to be happy." Schuldig growled.  
  
Omi made a hesitant move in Nagi's direction, when he was accosted again by the kid with the red sequined horns.  
  
"Dammit!" Schuldig hissed. "Yohji?" He looked around the room, until he spotted Yohji lurking near Omi and horn-kid.  
  
'Let's hope Omi can't recognize me in the dim light, or I am so full of poisoned darts tomorrow morning.' He tapped horn kid on the shoulder and held up his badge (not that it was any good anymore, but horn kid shouldn't know that).  
  
He pulled the kid towards the exit, Schuldig looking on in admiration.  
  
_**What are you telling him?  
  
That I know about the spiked punch.  
  
It was him?  
  
Who cares.**_  
  
_**I like the way you think Kudoh.**_  
  
Omi finally approached Nagi.  
  
"Slow songs are easy to dance to. And this one doesn't suck…not really anyway." Omi mumbled nervously.  
  
Nagi looked up. "I'll step on your feet."  
  
"I don't mind. I've got comfy shoes. Who cares about feet anyway?"  
  
It occurred to Nagi then that Omi looked about as lonely, desperate and nervous as he felt. Which made him feel a little better.  
  
"Please? Nagi, will you please dance with me?" Omi asked.  
  
"Alright."  
  
Omi took Nagi's hand and led him out onto the dance floor, receiving winks from a few members of the rainbow mafia, not that he was really noticing them at that point.  
  
Omi figured he should lead since Nagi didn't seem to know much about dancing, and very hesitantly placed his hand on Nagi's hip, looking at him questioningly. Nagi bit his lip, but nodded as he placed his hand on Omi's shoulder.  
  
At first Nagi was entirely focused on not breaking Omi's toes, keeping his eyes mostly on their feet. Omi moved them a little closer. "Relax."  
  
Nagi shivered, he could feel Omi's breath against his neck. He finally looked at Omi, saw him smiling, and he smiled back, feeling more comfortable.  
  
Meanwhile, Yohji rejoined Schuldig by the DJ table.  
  
"What are we putting in next?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"What? You didn't line anything else up? This song's almost over."  
  
"Er…I didn't know it was my job. You're the music guy."  
  
"What's on this disc?" Yohji snapped, but he didn't really expect Schuldig to know. He scanned the case. Ah. It was a burn CD of Savage Garden songs. "Well just let it keep playing until we find something else. We can let it go through You Can Still Be Free and Affirmation. But we need a new CD after that. Gunning Down Romance might kill the mood. Damn, we shouldn't have knocked out that DJ."  
  
"I can go wake him up." Schuldig offered.  
  
"Alright. Can you implant any mental suggestions about playing more slow songs?" Yohji asked.  
  
"I could do that. Or I could hold a gun to his temple and tell him to play more slow songs." Schuldig replied.  
  
"Is one more effective than the other?" Yohji inquired.  
  
"No, but one's a helluva lot more fun." Schuldig answered with a smirk, heading towards the dumpster where they'd stuffed the DJ.  
  
_**Hey Schuldig!  
  
What?  
  
What are you doing after this?**_ Yohji asked.  
  
_**I dunno. Why?  
  
Wanna go get a celebratory 'we hooked up the chibis' drink somewhere?**_  
  
_**Sure. Just let me set the DJ back up and we can leave now, I think they can handle the rest of their date on their own.**_  
  
33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
The rest of the dance went rather smoothly. Nagi even attempted dancing to some of the fast songs, although he refused to try anything close to grinding. The nervous feeling didn't return again until Omi drove Nagi back to his apartment and walked him to the door. They stood awkwardly for a moment, Nagi once again staring at his feet.  
  
"Hey Nagi…aren't you going to kiss the chibi?" Omi asked.  
  
Nagi's eyes widened. At that suddenly he remembered that Omi was an honors student and would of course have gotten perfect grades in English. And he felt very dumb.  
  
"Uh…erm…"  
  
Omi smiled gently, then rested his hands on Nagi's shoulders and leaned forwards for a gentle, chaste kiss. When he pulled away Nagi looked dumbstruck, but in a happy way for once.  
  
"Good night Nagi."  
  
"Night." Nagi repeated dazedly, watching Omi leave. As soon as Omi was out of sight, Nagi did a cartwheel and then skipped happily towards the elevator, all the while thanking whatever deity was listening that his first kiss was not with Tot.  
  
The End  
  
Epilogue  
  
Yohji felt a colossal hangover coming on, and kept his eyes firmly shut, clinging desperately to sleep. He could tell without the power of sight that he was in a hotel room somewhere. He was a little fuzzy on the exact events of the night before, but he'd been in this situation enough to figure he'd been too loaded to get back to his room, and he'd probably fucked someone. Either way, the bed he was laying on didn't feel like his.  
  
He decided he must have fucked someone the night before, because he was naked and he didn't normally sleep naked. He could tell there was a warm body close to him, but they weren't touching. That's funny. He didn't remember picking up any girls last night. He remembered following Omi and Nagi to the gay prom and hooking them up. And he remembered bumping into Schuldig and going out after for a celebratory drink.  
  
Hmm. He didn't remember talking to anyone else but Schuldig. Unless he was really loaded when he'd sought out company, but once again, that wasn't the norm.  
  
He had a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach that was completely unrelated to the amount of alcohol he'd consumed.  
  
He cracked an eyelid and groaned, very unhappily, as his vision was filled with gravity defying orange clown hair.


End file.
